Loving you from afar...

Sometimes your heart just lights up at someone watching out for you and loving you from afar. At those moments you bless you stars at being able to get a loving beauty that is so complete and full. And though you and your heart want to show love in your own way, you realize the beauty that you love may not be comfortable with where your love may take it.

And then you feel the pain at the lack. The lack of being able to touch. Being able to kiss. Being able to lovingly worship the heart and body of a great soul like a parvana worships fire. You then miss that body, that heart, and that soul that you can no longer touch.

Oh the sorrow of a love you cannot fully touch can be bittersweet. And when he touches you, you rejoice at the memories and feel the sorrow of separation. But you then remind yourself you want to create a love that accepts and does not blame. That cherishes but does not own. That loves but does not expect. That fills to the brim with joy and fullness of all that life has to offer. And that believes. Believes a fuller love has arrived where passion and acceptance from heart, body, and soul flows everywhere.

I love you soooo much baby! May love and passion always be with us.

worlds connecting...

For a moment two worlds came together and intersected in time. Thank you for the inner shine and beauty you bought to our connection. I will forever think of you fondly.

Thank you for a brief encounter

Thank you. Thank you for dipping into my spirit and sharing my most feminine self. Thank you for loving my presence and my form. My light and my love. Thank you for letting me love you and you me. The bounds we crossed, the courage you showed, the desire we felt will remain honored and sacred. May life grant us both that which nurtures us, grows us, and keeps us on a path of progress, growth, and happiness. The spirit that is me lovingly embraces the spirit that is you.

On developing love!

Oh what a weekend--3 parties. Lots of great contacts and learning both on the professional and personal front. Professionally learning which folks are great resources for learning and connecting. Several folks for follow up chats and interviewing for the other blog.

Personally--at first party bad feeling vibration to someone's actions which I quickly cut short. Understood the guy was using pick up artist moves and look towards him with compassion and belief in his being better. Or not, but it doesn't affect me as its not about me and I choose not the focus on it. At another party someone I really liked trying to hook me up with someone else. Felt really weird about it and realized thru someone else's feedback that I appeared annoyed. At this point even that feedback feels great because now I know exactly what areas of rapport I have to focus my efforts on learning in terms of outside action with inside inner change. Love someone and enjoy them, not be annoyed by who they are. Love will grow deeper as time goes by but sensing its lack isn't what will get me there. Thank you source for this expansion and learning. I feel the manifestation is coming!

Now I will focus on my professional goals. Blog about those ideas of marketing and strategy that I feel strongly within me. Give a written voice to those ideas I believe so strongly within me. I know and feel them coming.

Loving myself

This day I greet with love. Love for myself and love for all people and situations. The true God consciousness is really one of love and acceptance. I will practice this love for myself as I learn to be kinder to myself. For how I am with myself and others attracts life's behavior towards me. Help me God as I strive to love myself through the tasks of my day.

Handling criticism and finding emotional balance

I just had a discussion with my mother that included her bringing up things that were painful for me. I suffered the emotions corresponding to those moments for a short while after ending our conversation. What's interesting is that she simply had a different view point and nothing that was overwhelmingly wrong or abusive. But my internal suffering was intense.

Its interesting these dynamics of a relationship between two adults, where one adult myself is still coming from a child's perspective--i.e. that of needing unconditional love and thinking of each statement as a directive, where it simply may be an opinion.

Emotional balance comes from letting go of intensity when processing someone else's words, including those of our parents. And it is only with that balance that we can make solid life choices.

The harder path

As I have heard people's judgments about how my behaviors in relationships are neediness I have alternated from pain, anxiety, to redissecting the pain and now finally to this new awareness that judgments come from the judger's personal filters. They also come from the judger's need to disengage and feel self-righteous his or her decisions. That being said understanding how others view my expression of needs is instructive. It has taught me that its not just the way of communication that is in the making of healthy individuals in healthy relationships, it is also the desire to work things out. All the small details. How to communicate. How to love. And lots of self-sacrifice.

Judging another and letting go is the easy path. Trying to make things work even if in the end you decide you cannot. Now that is hard.

Loneliness

When the going gets tough and one feels emotions that are scary it is but natural to expect others to love you, tell you that you can make it, that you are amazing. But when the other is someone who feels you should be left alone to your own devices since they feel what you are going through can hurt them it becomes very easy to cross the line to anger and wanting them to feel how they are hurting you. Often times it becomes a futile process of banging heads against walls since not only is neither of you understanding the other, but neither of you is allowing enough mental space to the others state to even acknowledge the other’s feelings. The result is loneliness, unhappiness, and unlovingness. But perhaps like all things in life, it is part of the process of learning about yourself and others. And sometimes probably that is what it takes to help you decide the other is just not the one for you.

The people we attract

Recently when my partner had a strong emotional outburst over something seemingly innocuous I starting wondering about the kinds of relationships we attract in our lives. It seems to me that we attract partners who keep tapping parts of us that need to be awakened. Often this involves sparking a pain in us or them that we and they are unable to understand. Until we learn what it is and master the feelings, we cannot move forward as we will keep producing situations that make these feelings stronger and stronger.

letting go of control in love

Most of the time I have a very clear idea of what exact manifestation will make me happy. My new focus on being happy pre-manifestation is allowing me to be more open to a greater variety of experiences. For example a high energy, low depth call from a boyfriend no longer makes me feel unsatisfied. I fully accept the form in which love comes in my life at random moments. There is a unique pleasure in being such an open observer. Its not that I can ever control all the details of my life anyways. Each thought focused on lack of such control is my ego's fooling me into thinking that I can. Letting go of these thoughts and reorienting towards acceptance generally brings more happiness as I become open to more experiences.

moments of love

The softness of your touch, the calmness of your kisses. The expression of desire so loving that it takes my breath away. Your submitting to my touch. The surrender of your body to my love. Moments as delicate and perfect as fine glass. And a tender love I seek more of.

Choosing to value my time and dreams in a relationship

I wonder why is it that I am minimizing question/talk time with my jaan. I guess it is the realization that I got to spend time on my own goals as well as the realization that I cannot flow which his excitement when I feel mine are not where I want them to be going. In all I think this move is healthy and the guilt levels for a decision like this which was inculcated in my childhood is getting more and more manageable. Eventually it will go away completely. Thank you my dear God for teaching me to love and cherish myself and my time.

Emotional barometer during stages of love

Falling in love=dreaming, emotional barometer is focusing on possibilities

Being in love=co-existing, emotional barometer is learning to accept self and other where they are

Living in love=while maintain sense of acceptance of self and other as a powerful creator. Manifesting some of one’s desire, some of the time, with someone else. Emotional barometer is focusing on maintaining a satisfied feeling during action.

The truth of love

Anger


At the forceful passion with which you choose to control me.

At the right you feel you have over me.


Where is my independent voice? Where is the tickle in my soul? Where is the joy of the love you promised me?


Perhaps love is:


that which seeks to explain rather than to be known

that which heals and is healed rather than expects

that which encourages another's heart to find its truth and to live it...


even if that means living it alone.

Moments

sweet memories of holding your face close to my heart and feeling the softness of your love permeate to my heart. Feeling the roundness of your head with my arms. A moment beamed down by heaven, expanding my heart and enlarging my soul in a magical way that only tenderness can.

Random beauty of the broken hearted

I had the randomest, most beautiful experience today. A conversation about green cards with Surinder, the owner of an Indian restaurant I frequent, turned towards his breakup and then mine. It is amazing how healing it is to see your pain reflected in someone else. The disbelief, the inner emptiness, the memories, the love, the pain… And despite all this a level of acceptance. The desire to share one’s story and one’s feelings with others. Many times this is not to get advice but simply to get sympathy for one’s feelings and sense someone’s desire to uplift you. I felt this was mutual for me and Surinder as we spoke about our heart breaks. It felt so good to be united in such a way with another human being.

It feels even better to see the commitment and tenderness some men have for the women in their lives. It reminds me of the reality I aspire to create in my life.

de end of a romance

May 14, 2008
Two hours to my birthday. And also the moment that it will be three days from the ending romance with J’.
Physically the pain with this breakup was less severe than in the past, but still stronger than any other pain I have known. I slept and exhausted peaceful sleep mixed with some sense of relief and freedom and some sense of loss. All that was still better than the piercing incredulousness and disbelief I had felt just moments earlier.

When I awoke the thought of the loss pierced through my system. At the office as I sat through a meeting J’’s words rang threw my head—“I don’t love you like a lover anymore. But more like a friend.” The love that gave me strength, wholeness, and hope was suddenly not mine anymore. The same person who I couldn’t bring myself to breakup with 2 weeks earlier due to the severe pain I felt at that thought, told me that while he “loves, respects, and adores me” the current situation no longer worked for him.

As I sat and thought about my overwhelming sense of pain, I wondered why I was hurting so much. We don’t hurt when things simply happen, we only feel hurt when we feel something else was possible and under our control. Why am I feeling this hurt if it is simply because of J’, who he is, and where he is in this time of his life. After all I had fallen in love with the whole person, to change him would be to disrespect that which I loved. That’s when my coach’s words about “accepting and not expecting” came to mind. That’s when I remembered J’’s sense of pain at how I expressed my unhappiness at his phone call behavior came to mind.

Pain, drama, numbness…hitting my head against a thick glass wall of my own suffering. All the while forcefully asking J’ to bring my suffering to an end. Showing him, telling him, threatening him with my experience of pain.

And J’, poor J’, the man I love so intensely felt that he was responsible for my pain and annoyance. Overtime joy, bliss, and love deteriorated from our relationship. I kept practicing the law of attraction but forgot the other two laws, those of intending and allowing. I tried to attract beauty in my life, without intending clearly the how. The only how I intended was what J’ had to do to allow me to be happy, not intending what I had to do to. When I did intend my own actions—they usually revolved around expressing my needs. I didn’t allow him to be the magnificent lover he was capable of being. I kept focusing on what he was not providing, rather than letting him decide how he wanted to love me.
A few days ago I was thinking about what I had learned most for my past relationships. There was learning about what the other could not provide and learning what was important to me; leading me to subsequently seek and find better partners. But as sat back and thought of each partner and what I learned from him I realized what I wished for most when looking back was not how they loved me. Instead, it was how I loved them. I did a small prayer of thanks for that realization resolving to share my love with J’ more.

That realization didn’t help me in letting go of my sense of need and suffering. A few days later J’ breaks up with me.
I don’t want to create this pain of regret anymore. I want to create shared joy and bliss and deep love. Deep love doesn’t mean that I can depend on another to create what I want them to create. I am first an individual creator, and then sometimes on some topics a joint-creator. I must first educate myself on how to lift myself to be closer to my own spirit and things that are good. And on being that to others that I would like them to be for me.

I told J’ when we first started getting involved—that I don’t know what will happen in the future. But that I love him and that I will be forever thankful to him and to God for all I learn from this experience with him.
Allah, I have learned so much in this year. Lessons I wanted and also lessons I didn’t. Thank you for giving me the courage to explore them. Thank you also for sending people in my life who have allowed me to bring forth so many colors of emotions from my heart. And most importantly for sending me people and lessons that have allowed me to bring out and see what is in my heart, so that I may purge that which is not good for me and allow that which is best for me to come in.
Thank you for your love, guidance, and support. Thank you also for always being with me every step of the way. For that I am forever grateful.

Yours always,
Stir Fried Saali

Giving and receiving spiritual love

I realized recently that I am not liking what I am co-creating in my current relationship. When I told my coach this he responded by saying perhaps your partner simply does not know what you need. He asked me how many people in my life I have actually felt really get me to which I responded maybe three or four in different phases in my life. He said he doesn’t ask many people this but he is asking me because I’m high nurturance and trust that I should accept my partner, that I should love him through all that he does which I do not like and I should model that which I want from him. I replied by saying: “but that is so exhausting, to provide all that to others without getting it from them.” Soon after I said this he made me realize that is the only option. For the alternative of insisting on needing something does not work in relationships because it simply makes the other feel like they are not good enough.

Last night before going to bed I was thinking about which of my needs is not being met by my current relationship when I remembered my coach’s words. It made me wonder--aside from anything my previous partners could have done which they didn't do what is it that I regret from my past relationships?

Surprisingly the answer was how I behaved in each relationship. In each relationship I knew subconsciously how the other wanted to be loved, but I didn’t fully love in the way they needed. But I held back. The reason could have been feeling that what I wanted was not being met or simply not being conscious of what the other's needs were. I am now making a conscious choice to not have that regret in the future. From now on I will work on clarifying and providing what the other needs.

I also remembered that in each relationship I learned something crucial about relationships and connecting. In my first relationship post college I learned that intellectual connection alone was not sufficient to life partnership. I knew what was needed was something less cerebral, but I didn’t know what exactly it was. In my second relationship I learned that a sexual connection was important. In my third I learned that emotional connection was important. And in the current one I am learning that having a spiritual orientation toward love is important. Now whether I need a fifth relationship to provide me the spiritual connection is an open question. Perhaps the spiritual connection will be manifested within the current relationship, perhaps not. But looking back I am excited that I have learned so much about relationships, both what I must give and what I must provide. These lessons will be valuable in helping me work towards ultimately creating my heaven on earth.

That prospect makes me very excited about my life? Are you excited about your relationships?

Hard decisions--what kind of love is enough

I am a believer that my emotions in any area of my life are a strong indicator for learning that something isn't working in my life. They are also an opportunity to make a change that would bring my actions more in line with my desires and goals.

All that being said this realization and change is not always easy.

Today I told the man I am seeing that I will be taking some space over the next few days to decide what I would like to do about the concerns I have over my involvement with him. This has taken a lot of courage. I am at a point in my life where I have to decide if what is beautiful lovely and works in our relationship makes up for what is lacking and what all my visions of the future include.

Do the liberal open and nonjudgmental aspects of his persona make up for the distance. The geographic distance across states. The emotional distance I feel due to his lack of effort to "be there" for me or check up on me. In the past I have requested that we speak on the phone and connect more, only to be faced with strong resistance. His reasons are a dislike for phone/email in long distance relationships due to prior baggage related to this. I don't really understand his reasons but am more amazed at the resistance. This seems like a fairly small issue at the surface, what is bigger is his lack of desire at working with me when I am having difficulty with something. What kind of future will we have if he chooses not to be there for me in the future?

Will the love and respect make up for the distance and choosing not to engage? Will this choice to not engage even exist when we are geographically close? What makes me think that this will change and not me an issue in the future? If talking about what isn't working in the relationship brings up fear and anxiety for me now, if it happens in the future what will I be teaching my children about ways to deal with interpersonal issues?

Grant me Allah the inner strength to make these concerns clear to my partner. Help me communicate such that we decide to work together to change this relationship dynamic. And if that is not what we are able to do, grant me the wisdom to realize this early and the strength to leave him and be open to the next relationship or period of time with myself, which ever is better for my growth. I love you God. Please love and sustain me through this.