Survival

Strange how for survival we sometimes kiss the enemy.

On the crucible of life and love

Thinking about the analogy of the crucible of life's experiences. As C' said melting and living through the crucible allows you to become: resilient and hardened enough to handle life's embrace, soft and flexible to yield as need be, and purified and released from the pain and the impurities that prevent you from expansion.

But what if you fear this expansion, growth, and pruning. Well the answer comes best from Khalil Gibran in his chapter on Love in the book the Prophet. Here is a quote that says it well:

But if in fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all your laughter, and weep but not all your tears.

Believing in myself when corporate world doesnt

Many of all the consulting offers I am getting from my outreach efforts are leaving me frustrated. The taking advantage--inadequate or no pay offers, demeaning what I offer, and the talks of how my past successes were low hanging fruit are jarring my awareness. BS u little good for nothings. I am amazing and great at what I do. I will reach heights of achievement. And then you will wonder what made you miss it. And even if you don't trust me I will get better results than you ever dreamed of in you puny little offices.

I believe in myself and my power. I value myself as higher than anything these guys could pay me.

Get network goal up in 3 months.

Hard decisions--what kind of love is enough

I am a believer that my emotions in any area of my life are a strong indicator for learning that something isn't working in my life. They are also an opportunity to make a change that would bring my actions more in line with my desires and goals.

All that being said this realization and change is not always easy.

Today I told the man I am seeing that I will be taking some space over the next few days to decide what I would like to do about the concerns I have over my involvement with him. This has taken a lot of courage. I am at a point in my life where I have to decide if what is beautiful lovely and works in our relationship makes up for what is lacking and what all my visions of the future include.

Do the liberal open and nonjudgmental aspects of his persona make up for the distance. The geographic distance across states. The emotional distance I feel due to his lack of effort to "be there" for me or check up on me. In the past I have requested that we speak on the phone and connect more, only to be faced with strong resistance. His reasons are a dislike for phone/email in long distance relationships due to prior baggage related to this. I don't really understand his reasons but am more amazed at the resistance. This seems like a fairly small issue at the surface, what is bigger is his lack of desire at working with me when I am having difficulty with something. What kind of future will we have if he chooses not to be there for me in the future?

Will the love and respect make up for the distance and choosing not to engage? Will this choice to not engage even exist when we are geographically close? What makes me think that this will change and not me an issue in the future? If talking about what isn't working in the relationship brings up fear and anxiety for me now, if it happens in the future what will I be teaching my children about ways to deal with interpersonal issues?

Grant me Allah the inner strength to make these concerns clear to my partner. Help me communicate such that we decide to work together to change this relationship dynamic. And if that is not what we are able to do, grant me the wisdom to realize this early and the strength to leave him and be open to the next relationship or period of time with myself, which ever is better for my growth. I love you God. Please love and sustain me through this.