Please God keep my A' safe. I am leaving him to your infinite grace.
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Friday, October 16, 2009
Oh God please keep my A' safe...
Once in a while, in life we have a great love. One that even at parting you love deeply. Someone who really gets under your skin. Some one you then end up praying for forever. You ask God to keep him safe, whole, and loved.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Random beauty of the broken hearted
I had the randomest, most beautiful experience today. A conversation about green cards with Surinder, the owner of an Indian restaurant I frequent, turned towards his breakup and then mine. It is amazing how healing it is to see your pain reflected in someone else. The disbelief, the inner emptiness, the memories, the love, the pain… And despite all this a level of acceptance. The desire to share one’s story and one’s feelings with others. Many times this is not to get advice but simply to get sympathy for one’s feelings and sense someone’s desire to uplift you. I felt this was mutual for me and Surinder as we spoke about our heart breaks. It felt so good to be united in such a way with another human being.
It feels even better to see the commitment and tenderness some men have for the women in their lives. It reminds me of the reality I aspire to create in my life.
It feels even better to see the commitment and tenderness some men have for the women in their lives. It reminds me of the reality I aspire to create in my life.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
de end of a romance
May 14, 2008
Two hours to my birthday. And also the moment that it will be three days from the ending romance with J’.
Physically the pain with this breakup was less severe than in the past, but still stronger than any other pain I have known. I slept and exhausted peaceful sleep mixed with some sense of relief and freedom and some sense of loss. All that was still better than the piercing incredulousness and disbelief I had felt just moments earlier.
When I awoke the thought of the loss pierced through my system. At the office as I sat through a meeting J’’s words rang threw my head—“I don’t love you like a lover anymore. But more like a friend.” The love that gave me strength, wholeness, and hope was suddenly not mine anymore. The same person who I couldn’t bring myself to breakup with 2 weeks earlier due to the severe pain I felt at that thought, told me that while he “loves, respects, and adores me” the current situation no longer worked for him.
As I sat and thought about my overwhelming sense of pain, I wondered why I was hurting so much. We don’t hurt when things simply happen, we only feel hurt when we feel something else was possible and under our control. Why am I feeling this hurt if it is simply because of J’, who he is, and where he is in this time of his life. After all I had fallen in love with the whole person, to change him would be to disrespect that which I loved. That’s when my coach’s words about “accepting and not expecting” came to mind. That’s when I remembered J’’s sense of pain at how I expressed my unhappiness at his phone call behavior came to mind.
Pain, drama, numbness…hitting my head against a thick glass wall of my own suffering. All the while forcefully asking J’ to bring my suffering to an end. Showing him, telling him, threatening him with my experience of pain.
And J’, poor J’, the man I love so intensely felt that he was responsible for my pain and annoyance. Overtime joy, bliss, and love deteriorated from our relationship. I kept practicing the law of attraction but forgot the other two laws, those of intending and allowing. I tried to attract beauty in my life, without intending clearly the how. The only how I intended was what J’ had to do to allow me to be happy, not intending what I had to do to. When I did intend my own actions—they usually revolved around expressing my needs. I didn’t allow him to be the magnificent lover he was capable of being. I kept focusing on what he was not providing, rather than letting him decide how he wanted to love me.
A few days ago I was thinking about what I had learned most for my past relationships. There was learning about what the other could not provide and learning what was important to me; leading me to subsequently seek and find better partners. But as sat back and thought of each partner and what I learned from him I realized what I wished for most when looking back was not how they loved me. Instead, it was how I loved them. I did a small prayer of thanks for that realization resolving to share my love with J’ more.
That realization didn’t help me in letting go of my sense of need and suffering. A few days later J’ breaks up with me.
I don’t want to create this pain of regret anymore. I want to create shared joy and bliss and deep love. Deep love doesn’t mean that I can depend on another to create what I want them to create. I am first an individual creator, and then sometimes on some topics a joint-creator. I must first educate myself on how to lift myself to be closer to my own spirit and things that are good. And on being that to others that I would like them to be for me.
I told J’ when we first started getting involved—that I don’t know what will happen in the future. But that I love him and that I will be forever thankful to him and to God for all I learn from this experience with him.
Allah, I have learned so much in this year. Lessons I wanted and also lessons I didn’t. Thank you for giving me the courage to explore them. Thank you also for sending people in my life who have allowed me to bring forth so many colors of emotions from my heart. And most importantly for sending me people and lessons that have allowed me to bring out and see what is in my heart, so that I may purge that which is not good for me and allow that which is best for me to come in.
Thank you for your love, guidance, and support. Thank you also for always being with me every step of the way. For that I am forever grateful.
Yours always,
Stir Fried Saali
Two hours to my birthday. And also the moment that it will be three days from the ending romance with J’.
Physically the pain with this breakup was less severe than in the past, but still stronger than any other pain I have known. I slept and exhausted peaceful sleep mixed with some sense of relief and freedom and some sense of loss. All that was still better than the piercing incredulousness and disbelief I had felt just moments earlier.
When I awoke the thought of the loss pierced through my system. At the office as I sat through a meeting J’’s words rang threw my head—“I don’t love you like a lover anymore. But more like a friend.” The love that gave me strength, wholeness, and hope was suddenly not mine anymore. The same person who I couldn’t bring myself to breakup with 2 weeks earlier due to the severe pain I felt at that thought, told me that while he “loves, respects, and adores me” the current situation no longer worked for him.
As I sat and thought about my overwhelming sense of pain, I wondered why I was hurting so much. We don’t hurt when things simply happen, we only feel hurt when we feel something else was possible and under our control. Why am I feeling this hurt if it is simply because of J’, who he is, and where he is in this time of his life. After all I had fallen in love with the whole person, to change him would be to disrespect that which I loved. That’s when my coach’s words about “accepting and not expecting” came to mind. That’s when I remembered J’’s sense of pain at how I expressed my unhappiness at his phone call behavior came to mind.
Pain, drama, numbness…hitting my head against a thick glass wall of my own suffering. All the while forcefully asking J’ to bring my suffering to an end. Showing him, telling him, threatening him with my experience of pain.
And J’, poor J’, the man I love so intensely felt that he was responsible for my pain and annoyance. Overtime joy, bliss, and love deteriorated from our relationship. I kept practicing the law of attraction but forgot the other two laws, those of intending and allowing. I tried to attract beauty in my life, without intending clearly the how. The only how I intended was what J’ had to do to allow me to be happy, not intending what I had to do to. When I did intend my own actions—they usually revolved around expressing my needs. I didn’t allow him to be the magnificent lover he was capable of being. I kept focusing on what he was not providing, rather than letting him decide how he wanted to love me.
A few days ago I was thinking about what I had learned most for my past relationships. There was learning about what the other could not provide and learning what was important to me; leading me to subsequently seek and find better partners. But as sat back and thought of each partner and what I learned from him I realized what I wished for most when looking back was not how they loved me. Instead, it was how I loved them. I did a small prayer of thanks for that realization resolving to share my love with J’ more.
That realization didn’t help me in letting go of my sense of need and suffering. A few days later J’ breaks up with me.
I don’t want to create this pain of regret anymore. I want to create shared joy and bliss and deep love. Deep love doesn’t mean that I can depend on another to create what I want them to create. I am first an individual creator, and then sometimes on some topics a joint-creator. I must first educate myself on how to lift myself to be closer to my own spirit and things that are good. And on being that to others that I would like them to be for me.
I told J’ when we first started getting involved—that I don’t know what will happen in the future. But that I love him and that I will be forever thankful to him and to God for all I learn from this experience with him.
Allah, I have learned so much in this year. Lessons I wanted and also lessons I didn’t. Thank you for giving me the courage to explore them. Thank you also for sending people in my life who have allowed me to bring forth so many colors of emotions from my heart. And most importantly for sending me people and lessons that have allowed me to bring out and see what is in my heart, so that I may purge that which is not good for me and allow that which is best for me to come in.
Thank you for your love, guidance, and support. Thank you also for always being with me every step of the way. For that I am forever grateful.
Yours always,
Stir Fried Saali
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