How being with some people is the same as being alone

M didn't commiserate or sooth when I told him something was annoying me. Why bother with guys like that! Its like being alone with flirts thrown in, which if you have a healthy global sense of flirting is like being alone--with flirts thrown in.

To seek the end of spiritual upheaval

Last night after a full day of exciting work my evening was ridden with loneliness, low self love, and doubt. I got myself out of this by admitting vulnerability to a friend and distracting self with 3 episodes of Buffy the Vampire slayer. There is something about that show that allows one to deal with darkness and evil. Fear and evil are treated as things one battles with and eventually frees oneself from. I generally watch the show at nights of spiritual crises until I can no longer remain awake. Almost always I wake up the next morning with lots of strength. My unconscious dreams processing takes away all the remaining anguish.

Funny isn't it. How a fictional show and sleep can do this for one. I think it is because both deal with a darkness I do not like to consciously admit. This makes recovery time slow when this darkness appears during the usual course of my waking life. So this morning I decided to spend at least 3 hours daily on my education of spirituality and people. As I was shifting through my books to determine my reading in these hours I came across Scott Peck's "People of the Lie." I bought this book a while ago as it was recommended by S in my spiritual circle but have until now shyed away from reading it. It discusses evil and darkness, within us and within others; not something I like to admit exists. I generally try to believe what appears to be an evil act is the result of pain and thus deserves compassion, while taking care to protect self.

My experiences with A and the disgusting cycle of darkness he was involving me in has made me question that belief. His behaviors are not something I can consciously explain with anything from my prior experience. The psychological paradigm provides an unsatisfactory explanation for the lack of growth that was deteriorated his life and discoloring mine.

The scary dream world and world of low energies also cannot be explained by my earlier ideas of spirituality, life, and humanity. So I am going into my reading of these matters with a more open mind and heart. I pray to Allah that he help me as I begin, proceed, and complete this endevour to take me to a newer and higher expanded level of understanding through which I can benefit my life and those of others.

de end of a romance

May 14, 2008
Two hours to my birthday. And also the moment that it will be three days from the ending romance with J’.
Physically the pain with this breakup was less severe than in the past, but still stronger than any other pain I have known. I slept and exhausted peaceful sleep mixed with some sense of relief and freedom and some sense of loss. All that was still better than the piercing incredulousness and disbelief I had felt just moments earlier.

When I awoke the thought of the loss pierced through my system. At the office as I sat through a meeting J’’s words rang threw my head—“I don’t love you like a lover anymore. But more like a friend.” The love that gave me strength, wholeness, and hope was suddenly not mine anymore. The same person who I couldn’t bring myself to breakup with 2 weeks earlier due to the severe pain I felt at that thought, told me that while he “loves, respects, and adores me” the current situation no longer worked for him.

As I sat and thought about my overwhelming sense of pain, I wondered why I was hurting so much. We don’t hurt when things simply happen, we only feel hurt when we feel something else was possible and under our control. Why am I feeling this hurt if it is simply because of J’, who he is, and where he is in this time of his life. After all I had fallen in love with the whole person, to change him would be to disrespect that which I loved. That’s when my coach’s words about “accepting and not expecting” came to mind. That’s when I remembered J’’s sense of pain at how I expressed my unhappiness at his phone call behavior came to mind.

Pain, drama, numbness…hitting my head against a thick glass wall of my own suffering. All the while forcefully asking J’ to bring my suffering to an end. Showing him, telling him, threatening him with my experience of pain.

And J’, poor J’, the man I love so intensely felt that he was responsible for my pain and annoyance. Overtime joy, bliss, and love deteriorated from our relationship. I kept practicing the law of attraction but forgot the other two laws, those of intending and allowing. I tried to attract beauty in my life, without intending clearly the how. The only how I intended was what J’ had to do to allow me to be happy, not intending what I had to do to. When I did intend my own actions—they usually revolved around expressing my needs. I didn’t allow him to be the magnificent lover he was capable of being. I kept focusing on what he was not providing, rather than letting him decide how he wanted to love me.
A few days ago I was thinking about what I had learned most for my past relationships. There was learning about what the other could not provide and learning what was important to me; leading me to subsequently seek and find better partners. But as sat back and thought of each partner and what I learned from him I realized what I wished for most when looking back was not how they loved me. Instead, it was how I loved them. I did a small prayer of thanks for that realization resolving to share my love with J’ more.

That realization didn’t help me in letting go of my sense of need and suffering. A few days later J’ breaks up with me.
I don’t want to create this pain of regret anymore. I want to create shared joy and bliss and deep love. Deep love doesn’t mean that I can depend on another to create what I want them to create. I am first an individual creator, and then sometimes on some topics a joint-creator. I must first educate myself on how to lift myself to be closer to my own spirit and things that are good. And on being that to others that I would like them to be for me.

I told J’ when we first started getting involved—that I don’t know what will happen in the future. But that I love him and that I will be forever thankful to him and to God for all I learn from this experience with him.
Allah, I have learned so much in this year. Lessons I wanted and also lessons I didn’t. Thank you for giving me the courage to explore them. Thank you also for sending people in my life who have allowed me to bring forth so many colors of emotions from my heart. And most importantly for sending me people and lessons that have allowed me to bring out and see what is in my heart, so that I may purge that which is not good for me and allow that which is best for me to come in.
Thank you for your love, guidance, and support. Thank you also for always being with me every step of the way. For that I am forever grateful.

Yours always,
Stir Fried Saali