Loving you from afar...

Sometimes your heart just lights up at someone watching out for you and loving you from afar. At those moments you bless you stars at being able to get a loving beauty that is so complete and full. And though you and your heart want to show love in your own way, you realize the beauty that you love may not be comfortable with where your love may take it.

And then you feel the pain at the lack. The lack of being able to touch. Being able to kiss. Being able to lovingly worship the heart and body of a great soul like a parvana worships fire. You then miss that body, that heart, and that soul that you can no longer touch.

Oh the sorrow of a love you cannot fully touch can be bittersweet. And when he touches you, you rejoice at the memories and feel the sorrow of separation. But you then remind yourself you want to create a love that accepts and does not blame. That cherishes but does not own. That loves but does not expect. That fills to the brim with joy and fullness of all that life has to offer. And that believes. Believes a fuller love has arrived where passion and acceptance from heart, body, and soul flows everywhere.

I love you soooo much baby! May love and passion always be with us.

The man I want--reflections on my emotions and men after a recent night out

Last night I went our with A, bro and GF, and another paki guy.

I am amazed at the number of conflicting emotions that have been coming up about this experience. Even now I don't know how to write a few lines of pure consistent prose about the experience. Let's try freehand. Hmm getting an emotional response that it will be a struggle. Lets do this bulleted list thing and see if this works:

• I love A's ferocious masculine energy. I can tell that when he has sex he consumes the other person completely. Like literally swallowing them with everything he has. Its like my wildest masturbation fantasies coming true!
• Playing with him while dancing gives me a glimpse of the above along with the feeling of rapt attention, wanting, and desire.
• Flowing with these feelings is difficult because other parts of me come in with emotions and thoughts that are the opposite of this pleasure, being, and wanting. Those other parts are constantly judging people or me, making me feel unworthy or less worthy than others, and making me feel that I have to fight, flee, or close myself down. The closing of self is particularly painful.
• Even more painful is the feeling of having to constantly be aware of how much I can trust, love, and accept people without being hurt.
• He smelt and felt so good. My heart wants to know if he cares. Does he care enough to accept my heart? If he does then I'd like to give myself the permission to let out all the love that I feel.
• Does he want the love that is bubbling inside me, the way it is? Too often have people I've loved not wanted the best kind of love I could provide. With M I felt that he wanted the fun, joy, and sexualness of being more so than what I gave him because my mental and spiritual focus quickly took the energy of our interactions to a different place then he wanted to be.
• I wish M had told me. And I wish guys would just tell me this. But they don't. Apparently some part inside of me says they do communicate this, but in ways I don't understand. They really are from Mars and perhaps I really am from Venus.
• Oh but he feels soooo good.
• Funny to be letting out all these emotions without judging them. I sound like a teenager. May be this is the part of me that I never allowed to grow up
• I wonder if a part of my upbringing makes me reduce connection levels with other guys when with one to prevent temptation. That's closing off the openness of the heart. But then again, in this case it seems to be a real concern of some of these guys.
• pain, pain of lack of a heart connection. Why am I struggling with getting the heart to meet with more folks. May be it is like opening. A game. Do it with enough people so that when the right person comes along I will be able to engage and form a trusting relationship with him
• I seem to be imbibing the emotions and energies of all these people who are connecting without the desire for a more connected interaction. I need to find ways of letting some of this out of my system--my internal center must be a stronger muscle than it is and my techniques for getting back into it need to be honed more also
• unrequited love--emotional and sexual memories are being loaded up again. Breathe. Accept and understand my relationship to that.
• hurt that he may not engage in a deeper connection due to his desire to focus on his startup rather than another person

Conclusion--like all amazing learning experiences in my life when with rich, fast moving, action oriented, yet scared of connection/love (and its loss) people like A and trio my life stream moves very fast. I see so much I want and I see so much I don't want. The wanting and unwanting is also part of the learning my soul is getting from them. And for all of that, it is worth it. The emotional ups, down, and cringes are part of the process. Of getting clearer about what it is that I do want.

I do want:

• a man who eats me up with gusto, passionate, and raw desire
• a man who cares about my emotional and physical well being
• a man whom I can easily communicate with about my emotions
• a man who is willing to learn with me on how we can both do this better
• a man who is willing to try with me different ways to deepen our emotional connection
• a man who when he puts his arm around me my body and heart opens to him in a loving, accepting embrace wherein I can surrender some control but feel the freedom to be and do and flow with my own energy and freedom
• a man who is ambitious, clear, achievement oriented. Makes hard calls about business and people when he has to. But knowing that inside is a very loving and caring person who is watching out for others as well as himself.
• a man who despite his other goals knows and wants to expand his connection with me. One who treats this also as a prime goal in his life.

I appreciate and enjoy this time with A. I am loving how he is showing up now. Yet I continue to dream with strong passion and deep love for the man I've described above. He may show these sides of himself in these or other folks I know or as someone completely new. My faith in his coming is so real that I can feel his lips on mine, his heart beat close to mine, and his passionate hardness pressing on me. I love you my love. And you are here with me, as I wait for you. :)

On developing love!

Oh what a weekend--3 parties. Lots of great contacts and learning both on the professional and personal front. Professionally learning which folks are great resources for learning and connecting. Several folks for follow up chats and interviewing for the other blog.

Personally--at first party bad feeling vibration to someone's actions which I quickly cut short. Understood the guy was using pick up artist moves and look towards him with compassion and belief in his being better. Or not, but it doesn't affect me as its not about me and I choose not the focus on it. At another party someone I really liked trying to hook me up with someone else. Felt really weird about it and realized thru someone else's feedback that I appeared annoyed. At this point even that feedback feels great because now I know exactly what areas of rapport I have to focus my efforts on learning in terms of outside action with inside inner change. Love someone and enjoy them, not be annoyed by who they are. Love will grow deeper as time goes by but sensing its lack isn't what will get me there. Thank you source for this expansion and learning. I feel the manifestation is coming!

Now I will focus on my professional goals. Blog about those ideas of marketing and strategy that I feel strongly within me. Give a written voice to those ideas I believe so strongly within me. I know and feel them coming.

Emotions tearing you? Love yourself.

Just had a great morning of contrast and resultant expansion. About 40 mins ago I was not flowing with the expansion. Meditating did not help me flow either. Turns out my ego was pulling me apart. A part of me wanted to believe I was right in behaving a certain way while that another part of me was guilting me for. The thought process that allowed this conflict was that sometimes one has to take a hard and difficult stance for justice. And the emotional after tearing is just part of that decision.

But today I realized that it doesn't have to be. Emotions are a result of thoughts. An emotion of guilt should be examined for any teaching it gives regarding whether an action should have been avoided or been better in some way. Once that examination has been made. Love and trust yourself. You are not bad. You are simply learning. Tell yourself to remember to use that learning in the next situation and then enjoy all that you have in this moment and all that you are doing and planning to do in this moment.

Love yourself. There is never a need for suffering.

Counteracting negativity

I’ve realized today that the ways of thinking I was born into were inherently defeatist. They are characterized by a strong focus on ego beliefs. While experiencing this contrast now as a 24 yr old builds up valuable vibrational escrow for the life I plan to live and the person I plan to be, it can be nonetheless painful. In such situations choosing to live my own teachings of positivity becomes a stretch goal but is still valuable.

Focusing on the now in the moment instead of the negative mental loops in our mind can serve as a wonderful tool in counteracting negative people. I promise to myself to try my utmost in focusing on beauty and love in every situation.

letting go of control in love

Most of the time I have a very clear idea of what exact manifestation will make me happy. My new focus on being happy pre-manifestation is allowing me to be more open to a greater variety of experiences. For example a high energy, low depth call from a boyfriend no longer makes me feel unsatisfied. I fully accept the form in which love comes in my life at random moments. There is a unique pleasure in being such an open observer. Its not that I can ever control all the details of my life anyways. Each thought focused on lack of such control is my ego's fooling me into thinking that I can. Letting go of these thoughts and reorienting towards acceptance generally brings more happiness as I become open to more experiences.

de end of a romance

May 14, 2008
Two hours to my birthday. And also the moment that it will be three days from the ending romance with J’.
Physically the pain with this breakup was less severe than in the past, but still stronger than any other pain I have known. I slept and exhausted peaceful sleep mixed with some sense of relief and freedom and some sense of loss. All that was still better than the piercing incredulousness and disbelief I had felt just moments earlier.

When I awoke the thought of the loss pierced through my system. At the office as I sat through a meeting J’’s words rang threw my head—“I don’t love you like a lover anymore. But more like a friend.” The love that gave me strength, wholeness, and hope was suddenly not mine anymore. The same person who I couldn’t bring myself to breakup with 2 weeks earlier due to the severe pain I felt at that thought, told me that while he “loves, respects, and adores me” the current situation no longer worked for him.

As I sat and thought about my overwhelming sense of pain, I wondered why I was hurting so much. We don’t hurt when things simply happen, we only feel hurt when we feel something else was possible and under our control. Why am I feeling this hurt if it is simply because of J’, who he is, and where he is in this time of his life. After all I had fallen in love with the whole person, to change him would be to disrespect that which I loved. That’s when my coach’s words about “accepting and not expecting” came to mind. That’s when I remembered J’’s sense of pain at how I expressed my unhappiness at his phone call behavior came to mind.

Pain, drama, numbness…hitting my head against a thick glass wall of my own suffering. All the while forcefully asking J’ to bring my suffering to an end. Showing him, telling him, threatening him with my experience of pain.

And J’, poor J’, the man I love so intensely felt that he was responsible for my pain and annoyance. Overtime joy, bliss, and love deteriorated from our relationship. I kept practicing the law of attraction but forgot the other two laws, those of intending and allowing. I tried to attract beauty in my life, without intending clearly the how. The only how I intended was what J’ had to do to allow me to be happy, not intending what I had to do to. When I did intend my own actions—they usually revolved around expressing my needs. I didn’t allow him to be the magnificent lover he was capable of being. I kept focusing on what he was not providing, rather than letting him decide how he wanted to love me.
A few days ago I was thinking about what I had learned most for my past relationships. There was learning about what the other could not provide and learning what was important to me; leading me to subsequently seek and find better partners. But as sat back and thought of each partner and what I learned from him I realized what I wished for most when looking back was not how they loved me. Instead, it was how I loved them. I did a small prayer of thanks for that realization resolving to share my love with J’ more.

That realization didn’t help me in letting go of my sense of need and suffering. A few days later J’ breaks up with me.
I don’t want to create this pain of regret anymore. I want to create shared joy and bliss and deep love. Deep love doesn’t mean that I can depend on another to create what I want them to create. I am first an individual creator, and then sometimes on some topics a joint-creator. I must first educate myself on how to lift myself to be closer to my own spirit and things that are good. And on being that to others that I would like them to be for me.

I told J’ when we first started getting involved—that I don’t know what will happen in the future. But that I love him and that I will be forever thankful to him and to God for all I learn from this experience with him.
Allah, I have learned so much in this year. Lessons I wanted and also lessons I didn’t. Thank you for giving me the courage to explore them. Thank you also for sending people in my life who have allowed me to bring forth so many colors of emotions from my heart. And most importantly for sending me people and lessons that have allowed me to bring out and see what is in my heart, so that I may purge that which is not good for me and allow that which is best for me to come in.
Thank you for your love, guidance, and support. Thank you also for always being with me every step of the way. For that I am forever grateful.

Yours always,
Stir Fried Saali