The man I want--reflections on my emotions and men after a recent night out

Last night I went our with A, bro and GF, and another paki guy.

I am amazed at the number of conflicting emotions that have been coming up about this experience. Even now I don't know how to write a few lines of pure consistent prose about the experience. Let's try freehand. Hmm getting an emotional response that it will be a struggle. Lets do this bulleted list thing and see if this works:

• I love A's ferocious masculine energy. I can tell that when he has sex he consumes the other person completely. Like literally swallowing them with everything he has. Its like my wildest masturbation fantasies coming true!
• Playing with him while dancing gives me a glimpse of the above along with the feeling of rapt attention, wanting, and desire.
• Flowing with these feelings is difficult because other parts of me come in with emotions and thoughts that are the opposite of this pleasure, being, and wanting. Those other parts are constantly judging people or me, making me feel unworthy or less worthy than others, and making me feel that I have to fight, flee, or close myself down. The closing of self is particularly painful.
• Even more painful is the feeling of having to constantly be aware of how much I can trust, love, and accept people without being hurt.
• He smelt and felt so good. My heart wants to know if he cares. Does he care enough to accept my heart? If he does then I'd like to give myself the permission to let out all the love that I feel.
• Does he want the love that is bubbling inside me, the way it is? Too often have people I've loved not wanted the best kind of love I could provide. With M I felt that he wanted the fun, joy, and sexualness of being more so than what I gave him because my mental and spiritual focus quickly took the energy of our interactions to a different place then he wanted to be.
• I wish M had told me. And I wish guys would just tell me this. But they don't. Apparently some part inside of me says they do communicate this, but in ways I don't understand. They really are from Mars and perhaps I really am from Venus.
• Oh but he feels soooo good.
• Funny to be letting out all these emotions without judging them. I sound like a teenager. May be this is the part of me that I never allowed to grow up
• I wonder if a part of my upbringing makes me reduce connection levels with other guys when with one to prevent temptation. That's closing off the openness of the heart. But then again, in this case it seems to be a real concern of some of these guys.
• pain, pain of lack of a heart connection. Why am I struggling with getting the heart to meet with more folks. May be it is like opening. A game. Do it with enough people so that when the right person comes along I will be able to engage and form a trusting relationship with him
• I seem to be imbibing the emotions and energies of all these people who are connecting without the desire for a more connected interaction. I need to find ways of letting some of this out of my system--my internal center must be a stronger muscle than it is and my techniques for getting back into it need to be honed more also
• unrequited love--emotional and sexual memories are being loaded up again. Breathe. Accept and understand my relationship to that.
• hurt that he may not engage in a deeper connection due to his desire to focus on his startup rather than another person

Conclusion--like all amazing learning experiences in my life when with rich, fast moving, action oriented, yet scared of connection/love (and its loss) people like A and trio my life stream moves very fast. I see so much I want and I see so much I don't want. The wanting and unwanting is also part of the learning my soul is getting from them. And for all of that, it is worth it. The emotional ups, down, and cringes are part of the process. Of getting clearer about what it is that I do want.

I do want:

• a man who eats me up with gusto, passionate, and raw desire
• a man who cares about my emotional and physical well being
• a man whom I can easily communicate with about my emotions
• a man who is willing to learn with me on how we can both do this better
• a man who is willing to try with me different ways to deepen our emotional connection
• a man who when he puts his arm around me my body and heart opens to him in a loving, accepting embrace wherein I can surrender some control but feel the freedom to be and do and flow with my own energy and freedom
• a man who is ambitious, clear, achievement oriented. Makes hard calls about business and people when he has to. But knowing that inside is a very loving and caring person who is watching out for others as well as himself.
• a man who despite his other goals knows and wants to expand his connection with me. One who treats this also as a prime goal in his life.

I appreciate and enjoy this time with A. I am loving how he is showing up now. Yet I continue to dream with strong passion and deep love for the man I've described above. He may show these sides of himself in these or other folks I know or as someone completely new. My faith in his coming is so real that I can feel his lips on mine, his heart beat close to mine, and his passionate hardness pressing on me. I love you my love. And you are here with me, as I wait for you. :)

On developing love!

Oh what a weekend--3 parties. Lots of great contacts and learning both on the professional and personal front. Professionally learning which folks are great resources for learning and connecting. Several folks for follow up chats and interviewing for the other blog.

Personally--at first party bad feeling vibration to someone's actions which I quickly cut short. Understood the guy was using pick up artist moves and look towards him with compassion and belief in his being better. Or not, but it doesn't affect me as its not about me and I choose not the focus on it. At another party someone I really liked trying to hook me up with someone else. Felt really weird about it and realized thru someone else's feedback that I appeared annoyed. At this point even that feedback feels great because now I know exactly what areas of rapport I have to focus my efforts on learning in terms of outside action with inside inner change. Love someone and enjoy them, not be annoyed by who they are. Love will grow deeper as time goes by but sensing its lack isn't what will get me there. Thank you source for this expansion and learning. I feel the manifestation is coming!

Now I will focus on my professional goals. Blog about those ideas of marketing and strategy that I feel strongly within me. Give a written voice to those ideas I believe so strongly within me. I know and feel them coming.

Believing in oneself

Each time we are overtaken by fears, by our sense of another's judgment, by pressure to change who we are and what we believe we are struggling with. We are struggling between what we or others see versus what we want and believe to be true. Many times we get disheartened at this. But really we should simply believe in ourselves and our vision. If we do so even if we fail, though there is not such thing as failure, we will move from this life knowing that we tried. And in that trying we grew. Oh and how delicious that growth is.

Faith a constant journey in refocusing our energy towards belief in betterment from focusing on its lack

This morning I feel much better. I realized that before my acknowledgement of how my behavior was painful to others and not from source I was spending lots of energy maintaining my beliefs that what I was doing was needed and fun. This reminded me very much of A. I lived with A and his wife in exchange for work on their startup recently.

A is an ex-Israeli army officer. Many times his viewpoints about people, life, and the need for violence depressed me to my very core. Furthermore he focused a lot on violence. Violence in the past, violence in the present. Conflict between groups. The stupidity of action of one group that forced the other to retaliate. Life in A's home was constant talk of violence, pain, and suffering. His view of history was one of centuries of Jewish suffering and the inability to have a home. The most salient in his mind of the aggressors were the Muslims. Under his view there was no period of peace for Jews under Muslim rule (interestingly most Christain covert atrocities such as career and social limitations under Christain rule like forbidding Jews to all professions but usury and shunning them in society for it, was not in his mind an atrocity; I guess its to hard to maintain more than one demon).

The interesting thing about A was that he desired to change the world by creating an online community of openness and positivity where organic food, environmentally friendly practices, and spirituality were discussed. This vision was obviously at conflict with his worldview of depression, anxiety, and anger about the world and certain groups. But this was not obvious to him. He spent several hours working on his community daily. But breaks were always taken up by news and talk of news. At times he would invite friends to practice singing and guitar playing but even then his strong thoughts about world affairs and Muslim extremism almost always came up. My guess is these views were also the reason why he felt justified in scaring people and pressuring them, particularly those who had strong ideas of what they want to do. These tactics were again was in conflict with a more peaceful side of him that he also tried to aspire for.

Living with A was hard. But in hindsight I can feel great compassion for his suffering. I feel compassion for the suffering his resistant non-source thoughts formed within him. I also feel compassion for the suffering he felt from the constant internal tug of war within him. This war was between the hope and belief in the coming of what he has asked source and the constant talk of the lack of what he wants.

Its interesting how easy it is for me to see this now for someone else's issues. But really I do the same thing. And so do you. Faith is not a destination. It is a constant practice in believing in our powers of conscious creation and focusing on them solely while letting go of the resistant thoughts. May God help me and you in this journey.

On inflicting painful humor on others

March 13, 2009,12:41 AM
It is 12:41 AM and I am still up. By all respects my day was great. I went hiking w some friends over a beautiful terrain. My mind however refuses to give me enough peace for sleep. As I lie in bed wondering what is causing this I can’t help but think back over my week. As I do I see things I did not like.

Among the ills I committed this week are:
· losing my temper over trivial things such as a late invoice from a vendor (who has made romantic advances in the past) and is using the lack of an invoice as an excuse to talking on the phone
· An unhelpful technical support specialist at HP
· Making a lot of fun of people, particularly Pakistani people

I thought back to some of the news stories about Pakistan I have been reading. I thought back about the state of my country. And I also thought back at the way we Pakistanis react to each piece of news on further corruption and pain in our country. We get sad, angry, and frustrated at worse and indifferent and mocking at best.

The same happens when we see behaviors in our countrymen that don’t appeal to us. The constant judging makes us feel disconnected and disparate from a wider community. The most common element is the humor. While it initially gratifies certain needs to be right and to feel better about oneself, in the end you don’t really. Mainly because the greatest joy one can receive is when one is connected and giving through source. When one is with source, one is incapable of degrading another. All that one can give another is of the highest form and of the greatest beauty possible. This painful humor, these put downs, don’t come from source. And each time one engages in them, the higher part of oneself goes to a more uplifting behavior. But we don’t follow in the physical reality. The result is negative feelings.

I for one, believe strongly is the beauty and power of source through me. I will now try my utmost to not engage in unjust behavior. I would rather uplift and encourage then downgrade and discourage. If I do not have good things to say to others, I will simply opt for silence. Such silence is better than any personal instant gratification or wowing in the eyes of others.

Help me dear Allah as I achieve this goal in my life.

Emotional barometer during stages of love

Falling in love=dreaming, emotional barometer is focusing on possibilities

Being in love=co-existing, emotional barometer is learning to accept self and other where they are

Living in love=while maintain sense of acceptance of self and other as a powerful creator. Manifesting some of one’s desire, some of the time, with someone else. Emotional barometer is focusing on maintaining a satisfied feeling during action.

What is an emotional barometer? Are you listening to it?

An emotional barometer can be defined in many ways. It is one’s sense of:
• self
• well being
• calm
• peace
• personal acceptance
• personal bliss

It can also be viewed as the lack of all these things.

It is highly sensitive and very fast in response. If trained it can tell us who is a potential threat and who is a partner.

In today’s society we are extremely afraid of our emotional barometers. We try to dull it with drugs, movies, alcohol, sex, sports and a number of activities re-purposed to provide us with a quick high that distracts us from the feelings of pressure, anxiety, and depression, all of which are signals of being on the wrong track from our emotional barometers.

Scott Peck argues In the Road Less Traveled that we engage in such avoidance of suffering due to laziness.

I would add that ignoring one’s emotional barometer is also something we are taught by authority figures and society. If we have no inner voice, we are simply shadows of others and of that which is our true self, and we are thus easier to control.

Listening to one’s own emotional barometer is not easy. Many times we simply do not want to experience pain since we believe we shouldn’t have to and we are perfect as we are (ego). To protect itself the ego also says to us that it is others who are causing us the pain (victimhood as a defense mechanism). If we were to let go of these feelings and accept the pain we would learn about the inappropriateness of these beliefs.

We would also quickly realize how important feeling good is to us. More important than an understanding of how others and life is, is how WE feel about ourselves within the context of life and how we feel we relate to others. Not based on opinions of others and what they want and what they are sending our way in terms of energies. But in how we feel about ways we are showing up in life.

This is important for two reasons. Firstly, others cannot hold us as their object of attention long enough to sustain any long term relationship guidance. Most people are striving with their own limiting belief systems and fears. Inviting their exploration and connection in our lives often results in feeling of getting the thin end of the deal. For we quickly realize how they can’t understand us without constant help and reorientation. Often in an attempt to be understood we remain in cycles of low energies and pain.

Secondly, focusing on how we show up in their lives helps them, if they choose so, see, understand, and co-create with us those elements of us which we feel are important. This involves conscious action and deliberate thought. It is also more likely to help us reach our relationship goals than simply expecting to receive that which we want.

Every time we choose honesty, love, self-trust our emotional barometer tells us that we are on the right track. Every time we feel lower energies such as fear and helplessness we must remember that those are indicators of where we are due to how we thought in the past. No one and nothing can ever overshadow our visions of who we are and what we want. They can simply help us realize contrast and can thus serve as great spiritual aids in reminding us to act with consciousness and focus towards a longer term sense of feeling better. When we do so we finally find that which we are asking and manifest that which our hearts deeply desire.

However, the interesting thing is that we never completely manifest for the law of nature is such that we are eternally feeling new contrasts and eternally expanding to rise up to them. I guess that is what makes life worth living.