A paradox

Today I am accepting my seeming weakness and refocusing on using a strength to develop

Today I left yet another community which I could belong to at the expense of my inner voice. Today I decided once again to direct my own growth and experiences rather than left someone else define them for me.

Today yet again I am choosing my own inner voice over that of others.

Do I feel a sadness and a loss? Yes

Do I feel happy and relieved? Yes

Do I feel even higher responsibility towards myself to live my visions? Yes

But life is an amazing paradox isn't it.

And yet at a human level there is a lot of pain which will continue for while. Thank you God for giving me this experience to help me realize what not belonging and choosing not to belong feels like. I know because of this you will make me better able to understand what is happening for others who I come across in life.

This year...

This year:

I am going to have a passionate, all embracing, fully possessive relationship.

Love and care from many fans and friends in my life.

All the riches my heart desires.

A strong connection with source that will be with me to love and guide me always.

Motivating work that inspires me.

Survival

Strange how for survival we sometimes kiss the enemy.

Letter to Allah--after frustration

Letter to God.

Dear God,

This morning a leg cramp woke me up during REM sleep. Surprisingly the dreams involved pleasing women. When I finally got out of bed I was annoyed. I was annoyed at having to choose where I wanted to go in my life. I was annoyed at the boringness inherent in the relaxed and calmer work state and the need to get married and have a family.

In the kitchen my roommates had eaten some of my food so that annoyed me too. I called my mother out of a sense of obligation instead of love and her talk of my marriage got me annoyed again. I am very angry now. Angry at being unable to go with my own flow. Angry at always not being good enough for everyone I am with. Does it ever end?

When the going gets good I feel happy, euphoric, and then relaxed, bored and anxious. What is going on? Must emotions always be all over the place? And are only the positive ones good?

Response from my higher self/source

Emotions are how you grow. Negative ones are needed for this and therefore good. In fact this whole concept of global good and bad is irrelevant as the need/impact of anything should always be taken in context. And I indicate whether you are being something that is aligned through emotions in that context.

I tell you the point at which thinking that is not from me through emotions. You are feeling frustration and guilt around the relationship and interaction with your mother. Remember that comes from you feeling you did not respond in a way that was in line with your higher self to her. It also comes from the realization that you are carrying a defunct pain from your childhood, her behavior reminded you of this pain rather than cause you a new pain. Both of these are not from me.

You feel that you are not lovable enough and that you must always project something that can be loved. I tell you that I love you always. Whether or not you make money, whether or not you find a life partner. These measures are an extension of the love I have for you and the love you have for yourself but their absence does not by any means indicates that I do not love you. I always love you. You always belong. You are perfect in every way. When you believe in all of this, you are believing in me. And when you believe in me, you see me everywhere you look.

Don't depend on life and people to show you how to believe in me and see yourself through my eyes. Learn to see yourself through my eyes always. For it is only then that you are truly seeing. For otherwise life is like a veil on your eyes, a block on your hearing, and a seal on your heart. Believe my beautiful, loving little heart that I love you and you are amazing. And everything you want shall come to you.

Love always, Allah.

Lessons from my leadership failure

Today I failed someone as a leader.

I was unaware of the difficulties and emotions going on for them in other parts of their life. When they shared a need that contradicted our prior agreement along with an ultimatum I told them they should feel free to utilize the ultimatum as the agreement cannot change.

The agreement was based on my needs and the needs of the business and thus came out of respect for myself and something larger than myself. I did not give them the choice of emotional closure as I felt the relationship did not have a chance of lasting as a long term one. This work relationship was 8 months. That is longer than any romantic relationship I have had and this person therefore had a special place in my heart.

My failure came in not realizing his emotional state and realities of his situation. It also came at being unable to motivate him through praise when he needed it most. While better than many people, I have a lot to learn about connecting with people emotionally and influencing them. I am thankful dear God for this lesson you have given me. Please help me as I strive to inculcate this in my life and learn better and better ways of being. Ameen.

Loving you from afar...

Sometimes your heart just lights up at someone watching out for you and loving you from afar. At those moments you bless you stars at being able to get a loving beauty that is so complete and full. And though you and your heart want to show love in your own way, you realize the beauty that you love may not be comfortable with where your love may take it.

And then you feel the pain at the lack. The lack of being able to touch. Being able to kiss. Being able to lovingly worship the heart and body of a great soul like a parvana worships fire. You then miss that body, that heart, and that soul that you can no longer touch.

Oh the sorrow of a love you cannot fully touch can be bittersweet. And when he touches you, you rejoice at the memories and feel the sorrow of separation. But you then remind yourself you want to create a love that accepts and does not blame. That cherishes but does not own. That loves but does not expect. That fills to the brim with joy and fullness of all that life has to offer. And that believes. Believes a fuller love has arrived where passion and acceptance from heart, body, and soul flows everywhere.

I love you soooo much baby! May love and passion always be with us.

Sometimes in the valley

Sometimes in the flow of the life in the valley one wonders. What it is that one really has.

Aggressive work, egos, achievements, desire for money and fame, parties, men (or women), and at the end of it all exhausted passing out. Its at those moments when some of us wonder--what did we really loose by leaving the fold and leaving our people? In loosing that system that only allowed the lowest common denominator of progress, was there something sweeter that we lost. Was that something understanding, love, protection?

And then one wonders did one loose the only thing that is really valuable in the world.

These thoughts come and pass as the newest coolest innovation catches our eyes. We enjoy the adrenaline rush, refocus on our desire for money, stuff our mouth with yet another cookie and then go back to the work that will help us get all--money, joy, fame and may be someday the love and admiration we so desire...

Oh God please keep my A' safe...

Once in a while, in life we have a great love. One that even at parting you love deeply. Someone who really gets under your skin. Some one you then end up praying for forever. You ask God to keep him safe, whole, and loved.

Please God keep my A' safe. I am leaving him to your infinite grace.

On the crucible of life and love

Thinking about the analogy of the crucible of life's experiences. As C' said melting and living through the crucible allows you to become: resilient and hardened enough to handle life's embrace, soft and flexible to yield as need be, and purified and released from the pain and the impurities that prevent you from expansion.

But what if you fear this expansion, growth, and pruning. Well the answer comes best from Khalil Gibran in his chapter on Love in the book the Prophet. Here is a quote that says it well:

But if in fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all your laughter, and weep but not all your tears.

Rant about a team

How a'holian. Geeze, wht is your management style bread, water, and reserve!

F'ing A if you really want to change the world try being a bit more open with it. Freeze torture isn't really an appropriate way to get impact. Loser.

Learnings of what I can improve next time

-value elicitation--what are your goals from the role. What do you hope this will do for you

-stories--show casing my abilities. Prepare impactful stories for earlier work at

-forgot planned techniques and needs

Really poor on comfort and human side of business. Gotta put feelers out there to increase options for self so that I come from a place of abundance, power, and choice.

I will succeed!

WTF WTF WTF.

U damn, no good piece of shit had the audacity to doubt my ability to deliver on big projects! Do you know how clueless all of you are. The crap someone is able to sell u because u just didn't bother to do your research.

Listen up to me u a'hole. I will succeed. I will do well. And you know what your work helped, but ultimately I will succeed because I rock. GOT THAT! Cause I rock!

Reflections on papa, and work

Today A sent me a note about a job opening. I like the company he mentioned. But despite this I wished he had added a note in there saying something that touched me emotionally. P says its too early for that.

Later I realized I was loading up the experience of repeated brainwashing from my dad, something he still does to this day. I got a reminder of this when I called him today. Hints rather than clear communication is something he relies on heavily. When I clearly call his hints out and state what I do and do not want he gets pissed and either starts guilting me or degrade this cultural context.

I feel frustrated that my experience of him invading my space has still not changed. And that pain is still so fresh. I guess it will keep coming into my experience if I keep focusing on it. Let me then focus on understanding and clear communication as something I expect and receive from all my relationships.

But back to the job. If that isn't fully the experience I want then what do I really want. The answer is probably the ability to play a bigger game. The network, social skills, and personal story telling that will allow me to get to that level. That's what I will get J to coach me on tomorrow.

The man I want--reflections on my emotions and men after a recent night out

Last night I went our with A, bro and GF, and another paki guy.

I am amazed at the number of conflicting emotions that have been coming up about this experience. Even now I don't know how to write a few lines of pure consistent prose about the experience. Let's try freehand. Hmm getting an emotional response that it will be a struggle. Lets do this bulleted list thing and see if this works:

• I love A's ferocious masculine energy. I can tell that when he has sex he consumes the other person completely. Like literally swallowing them with everything he has. Its like my wildest masturbation fantasies coming true!
• Playing with him while dancing gives me a glimpse of the above along with the feeling of rapt attention, wanting, and desire.
• Flowing with these feelings is difficult because other parts of me come in with emotions and thoughts that are the opposite of this pleasure, being, and wanting. Those other parts are constantly judging people or me, making me feel unworthy or less worthy than others, and making me feel that I have to fight, flee, or close myself down. The closing of self is particularly painful.
• Even more painful is the feeling of having to constantly be aware of how much I can trust, love, and accept people without being hurt.
• He smelt and felt so good. My heart wants to know if he cares. Does he care enough to accept my heart? If he does then I'd like to give myself the permission to let out all the love that I feel.
• Does he want the love that is bubbling inside me, the way it is? Too often have people I've loved not wanted the best kind of love I could provide. With M I felt that he wanted the fun, joy, and sexualness of being more so than what I gave him because my mental and spiritual focus quickly took the energy of our interactions to a different place then he wanted to be.
• I wish M had told me. And I wish guys would just tell me this. But they don't. Apparently some part inside of me says they do communicate this, but in ways I don't understand. They really are from Mars and perhaps I really am from Venus.
• Oh but he feels soooo good.
• Funny to be letting out all these emotions without judging them. I sound like a teenager. May be this is the part of me that I never allowed to grow up
• I wonder if a part of my upbringing makes me reduce connection levels with other guys when with one to prevent temptation. That's closing off the openness of the heart. But then again, in this case it seems to be a real concern of some of these guys.
• pain, pain of lack of a heart connection. Why am I struggling with getting the heart to meet with more folks. May be it is like opening. A game. Do it with enough people so that when the right person comes along I will be able to engage and form a trusting relationship with him
• I seem to be imbibing the emotions and energies of all these people who are connecting without the desire for a more connected interaction. I need to find ways of letting some of this out of my system--my internal center must be a stronger muscle than it is and my techniques for getting back into it need to be honed more also
• unrequited love--emotional and sexual memories are being loaded up again. Breathe. Accept and understand my relationship to that.
• hurt that he may not engage in a deeper connection due to his desire to focus on his startup rather than another person

Conclusion--like all amazing learning experiences in my life when with rich, fast moving, action oriented, yet scared of connection/love (and its loss) people like A and trio my life stream moves very fast. I see so much I want and I see so much I don't want. The wanting and unwanting is also part of the learning my soul is getting from them. And for all of that, it is worth it. The emotional ups, down, and cringes are part of the process. Of getting clearer about what it is that I do want.

I do want:

• a man who eats me up with gusto, passionate, and raw desire
• a man who cares about my emotional and physical well being
• a man whom I can easily communicate with about my emotions
• a man who is willing to learn with me on how we can both do this better
• a man who is willing to try with me different ways to deepen our emotional connection
• a man who when he puts his arm around me my body and heart opens to him in a loving, accepting embrace wherein I can surrender some control but feel the freedom to be and do and flow with my own energy and freedom
• a man who is ambitious, clear, achievement oriented. Makes hard calls about business and people when he has to. But knowing that inside is a very loving and caring person who is watching out for others as well as himself.
• a man who despite his other goals knows and wants to expand his connection with me. One who treats this also as a prime goal in his life.

I appreciate and enjoy this time with A. I am loving how he is showing up now. Yet I continue to dream with strong passion and deep love for the man I've described above. He may show these sides of himself in these or other folks I know or as someone completely new. My faith in his coming is so real that I can feel his lips on mine, his heart beat close to mine, and his passionate hardness pressing on me. I love you my love. And you are here with me, as I wait for you. :)

worlds connecting...

For a moment two worlds came together and intersected in time. Thank you for the inner shine and beauty you bought to our connection. I will forever think of you fondly.

God's decree on work

Just wrapped up two productive meetings. These were great in terms of engagement and opening up people and really understanding where they are and what they need as well as enjoying the process. When I sat down at a cafe to catch up on email I felt panic and foreboding, emotions that it seemed came out of no where. As a break I turned to Hafiz. And this poem stole my heart:

A Hard Decree

Last Night
God Posted
on the Tavern wall
A hard decree for all of love's inmates
Which read:
If your heart cannot find a joyful work
The jaws of this world
Will probably
Grab hold of your
Sweet Ass.

Thank you for a brief encounter

Thank you. Thank you for dipping into my spirit and sharing my most feminine self. Thank you for loving my presence and my form. My light and my love. Thank you for letting me love you and you me. The bounds we crossed, the courage you showed, the desire we felt will remain honored and sacred. May life grant us both that which nurtures us, grows us, and keeps us on a path of progress, growth, and happiness. The spirit that is me lovingly embraces the spirit that is you.

On developing love!

Oh what a weekend--3 parties. Lots of great contacts and learning both on the professional and personal front. Professionally learning which folks are great resources for learning and connecting. Several folks for follow up chats and interviewing for the other blog.

Personally--at first party bad feeling vibration to someone's actions which I quickly cut short. Understood the guy was using pick up artist moves and look towards him with compassion and belief in his being better. Or not, but it doesn't affect me as its not about me and I choose not the focus on it. At another party someone I really liked trying to hook me up with someone else. Felt really weird about it and realized thru someone else's feedback that I appeared annoyed. At this point even that feedback feels great because now I know exactly what areas of rapport I have to focus my efforts on learning in terms of outside action with inside inner change. Love someone and enjoy them, not be annoyed by who they are. Love will grow deeper as time goes by but sensing its lack isn't what will get me there. Thank you source for this expansion and learning. I feel the manifestation is coming!

Now I will focus on my professional goals. Blog about those ideas of marketing and strategy that I feel strongly within me. Give a written voice to those ideas I believe so strongly within me. I know and feel them coming.

My most important goals in relationships

1. I am loving and being loved
2. I am growing and learning to be better connected emotionally
3. I add value to the other's life and happiness
4. I am understanding of my needs and his needs
5. I am being fair to myself and him
6. I am meeting my needs first and then determining best combination of both of our needs
   

Believing in myself when corporate world doesnt

Many of all the consulting offers I am getting from my outreach efforts are leaving me frustrated. The taking advantage--inadequate or no pay offers, demeaning what I offer, and the talks of how my past successes were low hanging fruit are jarring my awareness. BS u little good for nothings. I am amazing and great at what I do. I will reach heights of achievement. And then you will wonder what made you miss it. And even if you don't trust me I will get better results than you ever dreamed of in you puny little offices.

I believe in myself and my power. I value myself as higher than anything these guys could pay me.

Get network goal up in 3 months.

How being with some people is the same as being alone

M didn't commiserate or sooth when I told him something was annoying me. Why bother with guys like that! Its like being alone with flirts thrown in, which if you have a healthy global sense of flirting is like being alone--with flirts thrown in.