Letter to Allah--after frustration

Letter to God.

Dear God,

This morning a leg cramp woke me up during REM sleep. Surprisingly the dreams involved pleasing women. When I finally got out of bed I was annoyed. I was annoyed at having to choose where I wanted to go in my life. I was annoyed at the boringness inherent in the relaxed and calmer work state and the need to get married and have a family.

In the kitchen my roommates had eaten some of my food so that annoyed me too. I called my mother out of a sense of obligation instead of love and her talk of my marriage got me annoyed again. I am very angry now. Angry at being unable to go with my own flow. Angry at always not being good enough for everyone I am with. Does it ever end?

When the going gets good I feel happy, euphoric, and then relaxed, bored and anxious. What is going on? Must emotions always be all over the place? And are only the positive ones good?

Response from my higher self/source

Emotions are how you grow. Negative ones are needed for this and therefore good. In fact this whole concept of global good and bad is irrelevant as the need/impact of anything should always be taken in context. And I indicate whether you are being something that is aligned through emotions in that context.

I tell you the point at which thinking that is not from me through emotions. You are feeling frustration and guilt around the relationship and interaction with your mother. Remember that comes from you feeling you did not respond in a way that was in line with your higher self to her. It also comes from the realization that you are carrying a defunct pain from your childhood, her behavior reminded you of this pain rather than cause you a new pain. Both of these are not from me.

You feel that you are not lovable enough and that you must always project something that can be loved. I tell you that I love you always. Whether or not you make money, whether or not you find a life partner. These measures are an extension of the love I have for you and the love you have for yourself but their absence does not by any means indicates that I do not love you. I always love you. You always belong. You are perfect in every way. When you believe in all of this, you are believing in me. And when you believe in me, you see me everywhere you look.

Don't depend on life and people to show you how to believe in me and see yourself through my eyes. Learn to see yourself through my eyes always. For it is only then that you are truly seeing. For otherwise life is like a veil on your eyes, a block on your hearing, and a seal on your heart. Believe my beautiful, loving little heart that I love you and you are amazing. And everything you want shall come to you.

Love always, Allah.

Sharing where you are going

There is something sooo powerful and expanding about sharing where you are going in life with different people. This is true regardless of whether you just met them or have known them for years. The experience is one of personal expansion and growth at its best.

15 sec pitch for a revolutionary mentality

As someone who grew up in class conscious Pakistan I sometimes have occasions of feeling class inferiority. These occasions have become much rarer over the last few years. But a recent breakup reminded me of some of the same feelings. So I pinged my friend P, a raving San Franciscan liberal--the kind of people I really love and told him about this, thinking that his incredulous-ness will shame these last visages of class inferirioty out of me. What actually happened was much more amazing. It reminded me of the brightness I really am. Here is P's 15 sec pitch for a revolutionary mentality. Read, enjoy, and grow!

First:
recognition that you have come to this country overcoming class and gender, and a powering your way to success all by yourself compared to someone whose mommy and daddy paid their way through life, that's not a big accomplishment

Second:
humans have a divide and conquer system going on
it's a chain

Third
think about womens rights, decolonialization, abolition of slavery, queer rights. All of these things at it's roots have been class struggles

Fourth
It's about empowerment. Empowerment of the individual, empowerment of you
if you had a kid and they said that they didn't feel good enough to date a white person, what would you tell them?


that the future of the world is getting beyond class and race conciousness? :)
it's cool to be working class
it's the best class to be
:)

working class produced punk rock, hip hop, all that in your face stuff
okay, that's my mini rant.

Faith a constant journey in refocusing our energy towards belief in betterment from focusing on its lack

This morning I feel much better. I realized that before my acknowledgement of how my behavior was painful to others and not from source I was spending lots of energy maintaining my beliefs that what I was doing was needed and fun. This reminded me very much of A. I lived with A and his wife in exchange for work on their startup recently.

A is an ex-Israeli army officer. Many times his viewpoints about people, life, and the need for violence depressed me to my very core. Furthermore he focused a lot on violence. Violence in the past, violence in the present. Conflict between groups. The stupidity of action of one group that forced the other to retaliate. Life in A's home was constant talk of violence, pain, and suffering. His view of history was one of centuries of Jewish suffering and the inability to have a home. The most salient in his mind of the aggressors were the Muslims. Under his view there was no period of peace for Jews under Muslim rule (interestingly most Christain covert atrocities such as career and social limitations under Christain rule like forbidding Jews to all professions but usury and shunning them in society for it, was not in his mind an atrocity; I guess its to hard to maintain more than one demon).

The interesting thing about A was that he desired to change the world by creating an online community of openness and positivity where organic food, environmentally friendly practices, and spirituality were discussed. This vision was obviously at conflict with his worldview of depression, anxiety, and anger about the world and certain groups. But this was not obvious to him. He spent several hours working on his community daily. But breaks were always taken up by news and talk of news. At times he would invite friends to practice singing and guitar playing but even then his strong thoughts about world affairs and Muslim extremism almost always came up. My guess is these views were also the reason why he felt justified in scaring people and pressuring them, particularly those who had strong ideas of what they want to do. These tactics were again was in conflict with a more peaceful side of him that he also tried to aspire for.

Living with A was hard. But in hindsight I can feel great compassion for his suffering. I feel compassion for the suffering his resistant non-source thoughts formed within him. I also feel compassion for the suffering he felt from the constant internal tug of war within him. This war was between the hope and belief in the coming of what he has asked source and the constant talk of the lack of what he wants.

Its interesting how easy it is for me to see this now for someone else's issues. But really I do the same thing. And so do you. Faith is not a destination. It is a constant practice in believing in our powers of conscious creation and focusing on them solely while letting go of the resistant thoughts. May God help me and you in this journey.

On inflicting painful humor on others

March 13, 2009,12:41 AM
It is 12:41 AM and I am still up. By all respects my day was great. I went hiking w some friends over a beautiful terrain. My mind however refuses to give me enough peace for sleep. As I lie in bed wondering what is causing this I can’t help but think back over my week. As I do I see things I did not like.

Among the ills I committed this week are:
· losing my temper over trivial things such as a late invoice from a vendor (who has made romantic advances in the past) and is using the lack of an invoice as an excuse to talking on the phone
· An unhelpful technical support specialist at HP
· Making a lot of fun of people, particularly Pakistani people

I thought back to some of the news stories about Pakistan I have been reading. I thought back about the state of my country. And I also thought back at the way we Pakistanis react to each piece of news on further corruption and pain in our country. We get sad, angry, and frustrated at worse and indifferent and mocking at best.

The same happens when we see behaviors in our countrymen that don’t appeal to us. The constant judging makes us feel disconnected and disparate from a wider community. The most common element is the humor. While it initially gratifies certain needs to be right and to feel better about oneself, in the end you don’t really. Mainly because the greatest joy one can receive is when one is connected and giving through source. When one is with source, one is incapable of degrading another. All that one can give another is of the highest form and of the greatest beauty possible. This painful humor, these put downs, don’t come from source. And each time one engages in them, the higher part of oneself goes to a more uplifting behavior. But we don’t follow in the physical reality. The result is negative feelings.

I for one, believe strongly is the beauty and power of source through me. I will now try my utmost to not engage in unjust behavior. I would rather uplift and encourage then downgrade and discourage. If I do not have good things to say to others, I will simply opt for silence. Such silence is better than any personal instant gratification or wowing in the eyes of others.

Help me dear Allah as I achieve this goal in my life.

Refining my worldview

This morning I lay in bed for a while not wanting to wake up and deal with a world where everyone is out to snake each other. I was trying to get my scared little heart to the right place for having the courage to wake up, do yoga, and attend a 9am webinar I wanted to attend. Somewhere around 8:30am, my higher self reminded me that the worldview that my mind was following was my source of suffering rather than the world itself. My worldview was preventing me from feeling okay enough to go and create beautiful abundant things. I repeated to myself thoughts about the greatness of God and the beauty he makes possible for me. I told myself that he is my one and only source of succor and the only one I turn to for help and instantly I felt better. I felt less forlorn and much more at ease. By the time I started the webinar I felt open to whatever amazing learning was going to come my way.

The result was marvelous. Not only was the webinar more interestingly presented but it gave me lots of inspiration. Not only did I receive inspiration of specific steps to take but I also received a more overarching realization. The realization was that I had started following the paths of others. While I learned a lot about business, people’s behaviors, and negotiation in the process, I had lost sight of a greater goal--of creating systems that are independent of me, inspire me, and make me revenue. This goal was somehow lost among a world of hustlers who call themselves independent consultants.

There are many good things to be said about hustling independent consultants. They have the stills to pitch in any and all situations, they provide a lot of free value to gain revenue and traction, and since they are constantly looking out for projects they are in a good position to learn about new market flows and directions. At the same time however they spend a lot of time trying to win clients (often for small deals) and thus drop the ball on delivery and expectations. Their focus on the consulting engagement often forces them to work on a frantic pace that prevents focus on other startup projects that aren’t currently paying. Consulting is therefore not a sustainable way to create a revenue system outside of oneself, at least not if you don’t have a stable income stream already.

So from now on, I am focusing on developing my own brand. Be it with my blog and social media presence as well as talk of my startup life. I will also try and get set up in a full-time job for a few months to grow my skill sets in areas I deem important. These new goals will definitely give me more direction.

Wish me luck.

My introduction to Siddha Yoga

I have been practicing simple hatha yoga through Wai Lana's beginning videos for a little over a year now. But I have done yoga mainly for exercise and for strengthening by body enough to sit for mediation. My spiritual endeavors are usually focused on private meditation, reading new age teachers and coaches like Abraham Hicks, Wayne Dryer, and Jack Canfield and in participating in progressive Muslim group discussions like MRMO.

I have been looking for a less cerebral and more feeling based spiritual group for quite a while now. I believed this would allow me to deepen my meditation practice and integrate the values I so strongly believe in more fully into my life. Joining the dancing sapta at the Siddha Yoga Ashram in Oakland yesterday made me feel I may have found such a group.

The outer actions

The dancing Saptah is a simple step dance done in coordination with other dancers. Dancers form two concentric circles. The inner circle is smaller and faster moving then the outer circle. Steps are performed to the beat of traditional Indian drums called tablas. Chanting is also done simultaneous to dancing. Men and women chant different words invoking love for God. During the chant participants are told to think of the divine flame of God within them and to grow the feeling of love and joy that exists there. At the end there is a brief meditation.

The experience

Shortly after beginning to dance my mind thought, wow this is easy and beautiful but I think I am about ready to do something else. But the dance continued. The beat got faster, then slower, faster again, and finally slowed to a halt. Eventually my mind fell in line with the smoothness of the motion and the singing chants.

Something transcendental happened at this point. I no longer felt like a separate entity but felt deeply connected with those around me in our love for God. The simple repetitiveness of the movements had stilled my thinking mind.

I remembered an analogy of floating wood and water someone had used to describe this state to me. In the analogy the streams of water signified the information from one’s senses and the floating wood, the mind. Usually there are several streams moving the wood in various directions. The wood’s experience is a combination of everything.

But it is only when the streams stop, that the mind has a clearer experience and understanding of itself. It begins to understand the truth of what is really is. Consciousness, God, light, source. Near the end of the saptah when we sat down for a brief meditation, that was exactly how I felt--a warm strong presence of truth within me. The beautiful glowing warmth of clarity and consciousness.

Experiential not vicarious

As I read back over what I have written, I am realizing the elusiveness of my description. It is often easier for yoga practioners to describe asanas and the physical benefits they provide for you. It is much harder to explain what it feels like to be aligned and connected with source which comes from asanas, meditation and other yogic practices. This is because such things make most sense when experienced rather than when reading another’s explanation. But if my writing has bought about some curiosity in you, do message me. I would love to answer any questions you may have.

How we hold ourselves back

Yesterday while observing a period of anger in another I noticed a strong negative vortex within me. Later when I started to examine and release my negative emotion I realized that it fell in three categories: anger, annoyance, and fear.

Anger at the thought of unfairness. At strongly feeling that this person is yelling and showing himself to be a bigger animal in order to manipulate the object of anger to not acting out of his own understanding of his greater truth but instead to appease the aggressor by acting according to his will.

Annoyance at the aggressor’s choice to not learn from countless reminders he has received in life that manipulation is never the path to mutual happiness or the brighter free allowing world he says he wants to create.

And fear. The aggressor is choosing to show himself to be a bigger animal to get the object of anger to act out of fear. In line with this method the aggressor may intensify to higher and higher levels of maliciousness to reach his aims. Fear at the very real possibility of harm when dealing with such an individual.

As I finished thinking out loud about the basis of my negative reactions I realized that at their very core is the belief that all of us have the right to choose what we do and how we do it in our lives. My emotions are the result of feeling the contrast of people not allowing others to do so. But really by feeling these emotions and holding on to them I am being just as disallowing as the aggressor. Even if I am not responding with manipulation and anger by responding with negative emotion I am disallowing myself from the higher desire I launched due to my experience of this contrast i.e. creating a world in which we think, speak, and act out of our own highest self and allow and inspire another to do the same.

And like all thought this last thought is attractive. It has already given me ideas on how to deal with conflict at its seeds in a way that provides the space for each of us to voice and launch our own desires, without feeling the negative emotions of a disallower but instead the emotions of those who are source and are learning and reaching for a greater understanding towards the free world that I really want to create.

Feelings and the higher part of me…

I’ve been thinking a lot about connection with the divine part of me, that source energy that pervades all humanity, and connects it. I’ve also been thinking about what it feels like to be connected with it and what actions/thoughts take away that connection. Feeling becomes a very important indicator in this path. I’ve found that the simplest way to live that connection is to live with that which comes as feeling, stay with it long enough to understand it, release it, and reorient towards values and goals. When I am truly conscious of the higher part of myself, the higher part of me is conscious in-turn of the gratification focused exchanges and actions that move me away from the relationships I’d like to create. Sometimes however I must live the contrast to truly know that work, because the higher part of myself learns and grows through contrast. And that answer keeps changing across situations and times of spiritual development.

But the higher part of me knows all, although sometimes it doesn’t tell me. It wants me to figure out that which is my truest answer. The last verse of Rumi’s poem “Medicine out of pain” aptly describes this seeming paradox:

“I tell everything, but I do not say it,
Because, my friend, it is better
Your secret be spoken by you.”