This year...

This year:

I am going to have a passionate, all embracing, fully possessive relationship.

Love and care from many fans and friends in my life.

All the riches my heart desires.

A strong connection with source that will be with me to love and guide me always.

Motivating work that inspires me.

Emotions tearing you? Love yourself.

Just had a great morning of contrast and resultant expansion. About 40 mins ago I was not flowing with the expansion. Meditating did not help me flow either. Turns out my ego was pulling me apart. A part of me wanted to believe I was right in behaving a certain way while that another part of me was guilting me for. The thought process that allowed this conflict was that sometimes one has to take a hard and difficult stance for justice. And the emotional after tearing is just part of that decision.

But today I realized that it doesn't have to be. Emotions are a result of thoughts. An emotion of guilt should be examined for any teaching it gives regarding whether an action should have been avoided or been better in some way. Once that examination has been made. Love and trust yourself. You are not bad. You are simply learning. Tell yourself to remember to use that learning in the next situation and then enjoy all that you have in this moment and all that you are doing and planning to do in this moment.

Love yourself. There is never a need for suffering.

15 sec pitch for a revolutionary mentality

As someone who grew up in class conscious Pakistan I sometimes have occasions of feeling class inferiority. These occasions have become much rarer over the last few years. But a recent breakup reminded me of some of the same feelings. So I pinged my friend P, a raving San Franciscan liberal--the kind of people I really love and told him about this, thinking that his incredulous-ness will shame these last visages of class inferirioty out of me. What actually happened was much more amazing. It reminded me of the brightness I really am. Here is P's 15 sec pitch for a revolutionary mentality. Read, enjoy, and grow!

First:
recognition that you have come to this country overcoming class and gender, and a powering your way to success all by yourself compared to someone whose mommy and daddy paid their way through life, that's not a big accomplishment

Second:
humans have a divide and conquer system going on
it's a chain

Third
think about womens rights, decolonialization, abolition of slavery, queer rights. All of these things at it's roots have been class struggles

Fourth
It's about empowerment. Empowerment of the individual, empowerment of you
if you had a kid and they said that they didn't feel good enough to date a white person, what would you tell them?


that the future of the world is getting beyond class and race conciousness? :)
it's cool to be working class
it's the best class to be
:)

working class produced punk rock, hip hop, all that in your face stuff
okay, that's my mini rant.

Believing in oneself

Each time we are overtaken by fears, by our sense of another's judgment, by pressure to change who we are and what we believe we are struggling with. We are struggling between what we or others see versus what we want and believe to be true. Many times we get disheartened at this. But really we should simply believe in ourselves and our vision. If we do so even if we fail, though there is not such thing as failure, we will move from this life knowing that we tried. And in that trying we grew. Oh and how delicious that growth is.

To seek the end of spiritual upheaval

Last night after a full day of exciting work my evening was ridden with loneliness, low self love, and doubt. I got myself out of this by admitting vulnerability to a friend and distracting self with 3 episodes of Buffy the Vampire slayer. There is something about that show that allows one to deal with darkness and evil. Fear and evil are treated as things one battles with and eventually frees oneself from. I generally watch the show at nights of spiritual crises until I can no longer remain awake. Almost always I wake up the next morning with lots of strength. My unconscious dreams processing takes away all the remaining anguish.

Funny isn't it. How a fictional show and sleep can do this for one. I think it is because both deal with a darkness I do not like to consciously admit. This makes recovery time slow when this darkness appears during the usual course of my waking life. So this morning I decided to spend at least 3 hours daily on my education of spirituality and people. As I was shifting through my books to determine my reading in these hours I came across Scott Peck's "People of the Lie." I bought this book a while ago as it was recommended by S in my spiritual circle but have until now shyed away from reading it. It discusses evil and darkness, within us and within others; not something I like to admit exists. I generally try to believe what appears to be an evil act is the result of pain and thus deserves compassion, while taking care to protect self.

My experiences with A and the disgusting cycle of darkness he was involving me in has made me question that belief. His behaviors are not something I can consciously explain with anything from my prior experience. The psychological paradigm provides an unsatisfactory explanation for the lack of growth that was deteriorated his life and discoloring mine.

The scary dream world and world of low energies also cannot be explained by my earlier ideas of spirituality, life, and humanity. So I am going into my reading of these matters with a more open mind and heart. I pray to Allah that he help me as I begin, proceed, and complete this endevour to take me to a newer and higher expanded level of understanding through which I can benefit my life and those of others.

Refining my worldview

This morning I lay in bed for a while not wanting to wake up and deal with a world where everyone is out to snake each other. I was trying to get my scared little heart to the right place for having the courage to wake up, do yoga, and attend a 9am webinar I wanted to attend. Somewhere around 8:30am, my higher self reminded me that the worldview that my mind was following was my source of suffering rather than the world itself. My worldview was preventing me from feeling okay enough to go and create beautiful abundant things. I repeated to myself thoughts about the greatness of God and the beauty he makes possible for me. I told myself that he is my one and only source of succor and the only one I turn to for help and instantly I felt better. I felt less forlorn and much more at ease. By the time I started the webinar I felt open to whatever amazing learning was going to come my way.

The result was marvelous. Not only was the webinar more interestingly presented but it gave me lots of inspiration. Not only did I receive inspiration of specific steps to take but I also received a more overarching realization. The realization was that I had started following the paths of others. While I learned a lot about business, people’s behaviors, and negotiation in the process, I had lost sight of a greater goal--of creating systems that are independent of me, inspire me, and make me revenue. This goal was somehow lost among a world of hustlers who call themselves independent consultants.

There are many good things to be said about hustling independent consultants. They have the stills to pitch in any and all situations, they provide a lot of free value to gain revenue and traction, and since they are constantly looking out for projects they are in a good position to learn about new market flows and directions. At the same time however they spend a lot of time trying to win clients (often for small deals) and thus drop the ball on delivery and expectations. Their focus on the consulting engagement often forces them to work on a frantic pace that prevents focus on other startup projects that aren’t currently paying. Consulting is therefore not a sustainable way to create a revenue system outside of oneself, at least not if you don’t have a stable income stream already.

So from now on, I am focusing on developing my own brand. Be it with my blog and social media presence as well as talk of my startup life. I will also try and get set up in a full-time job for a few months to grow my skill sets in areas I deem important. These new goals will definitely give me more direction.

Wish me luck.

Shift to a more positive money consciousness

Living in California bartering food and board for work, while striving hard to land a few consulting gigs, I am realizing how connected we hold money to self-esteem, security and well-being. Sometimes even relationship choices are from a place of trying to fulfill that gap. Lack of money can often keep many people stuck in negative vibrations of need and want rather than believing in abundance and receiving.

Shifting this vibration to one of abundance requires:

• Realizing what world views we have unconsciously chosen that bring about these negative emotions
• Remembering who it came from, understand ing their motivations, and putting those memories behind us
• Recognizing how these world views and vibrations constrain us. Ask yourself: if I wasn’t feeling insecure would I be more confident and how would that improve my outcome?
• Letting go of fear associated with believing the old world view or fear of not believing it
• Recognizing the beauty and joy around you. Being grateful for that and all your blessings.
• Recognizing and acting on the guidance and inspiration that comes through the advice people and your inner voice give you

In short, the first step is recognizing the pain of negative vibrations and the next step is choosing to shift them. If we are motivated we can achieve this shift with some practice. In the process it is that we not be too hard on oneself as that can often lead to more negative vibrations, and hence increase the problem and discomfort.

Wishing you peace, security, and confidence.

My introduction to Siddha Yoga

I have been practicing simple hatha yoga through Wai Lana's beginning videos for a little over a year now. But I have done yoga mainly for exercise and for strengthening by body enough to sit for mediation. My spiritual endeavors are usually focused on private meditation, reading new age teachers and coaches like Abraham Hicks, Wayne Dryer, and Jack Canfield and in participating in progressive Muslim group discussions like MRMO.

I have been looking for a less cerebral and more feeling based spiritual group for quite a while now. I believed this would allow me to deepen my meditation practice and integrate the values I so strongly believe in more fully into my life. Joining the dancing sapta at the Siddha Yoga Ashram in Oakland yesterday made me feel I may have found such a group.

The outer actions

The dancing Saptah is a simple step dance done in coordination with other dancers. Dancers form two concentric circles. The inner circle is smaller and faster moving then the outer circle. Steps are performed to the beat of traditional Indian drums called tablas. Chanting is also done simultaneous to dancing. Men and women chant different words invoking love for God. During the chant participants are told to think of the divine flame of God within them and to grow the feeling of love and joy that exists there. At the end there is a brief meditation.

The experience

Shortly after beginning to dance my mind thought, wow this is easy and beautiful but I think I am about ready to do something else. But the dance continued. The beat got faster, then slower, faster again, and finally slowed to a halt. Eventually my mind fell in line with the smoothness of the motion and the singing chants.

Something transcendental happened at this point. I no longer felt like a separate entity but felt deeply connected with those around me in our love for God. The simple repetitiveness of the movements had stilled my thinking mind.

I remembered an analogy of floating wood and water someone had used to describe this state to me. In the analogy the streams of water signified the information from one’s senses and the floating wood, the mind. Usually there are several streams moving the wood in various directions. The wood’s experience is a combination of everything.

But it is only when the streams stop, that the mind has a clearer experience and understanding of itself. It begins to understand the truth of what is really is. Consciousness, God, light, source. Near the end of the saptah when we sat down for a brief meditation, that was exactly how I felt--a warm strong presence of truth within me. The beautiful glowing warmth of clarity and consciousness.

Experiential not vicarious

As I read back over what I have written, I am realizing the elusiveness of my description. It is often easier for yoga practioners to describe asanas and the physical benefits they provide for you. It is much harder to explain what it feels like to be aligned and connected with source which comes from asanas, meditation and other yogic practices. This is because such things make most sense when experienced rather than when reading another’s explanation. But if my writing has bought about some curiosity in you, do message me. I would love to answer any questions you may have.

Learning from the old romance

As the days go by after your ending our romance I keep getting more lessons about my creations in the relationship. Last night I realized my need to control due to fear. Today I realized that fear is the fear of a sweet little girl, who is so afraid of being judged and not loved. Two days ago I was regretting that I wasn't able to show you all my love. And now I realize most of our time together was love. Lots of love. Deep deep love. I miss you my jaan. I pray that someday we are both able to find even more beautiful love with each other or with someone else.

May be loving means accepting someone warts and all. May be moments with a lover are like a that warm honey mixture whose warmth and love you can feel many days after leaving also. I wasn't very kind to you about the parts of you I did not like. Neither was I allowing of these. I for my part plan to work on this in the future.

I must remember to love the humanness of someone just as much as I love the strength of their spirit. This is especially true in times when I bring intense needs to the relationship as only so much can be fulfilled by the other person.