Cherry picking desi men

Wanting to give myself more options in the dating life I am actually going to Facebook and cherry picking desi men. Helps me feel there is an abundance of choice out there. Well almost. When I a "married" status this morning I actually said "screw you, what's wrong with you," laughed and continued to cherry pick. LOL!

Towards the manifestion of a spiritual equal relationship

Last night when I called my mom to share my happiness over a call for a date, I tooted my own horn a bit for my tact with which I influenced the date request. My mom however, denied to give me any praise. She said that she does not agree with my viewpoint on things. She feels I have no control and think I am too good: a woman should always feel some reverence for a man as he is greater than her.

I always feel a strange confusion when my mother talks like this. On one hand she has never truly accepted this in herself. On another she and my uncle think that I challenge the male ego by viewing myself in such a positive light.

I wonder about this though. Wouldn't a healthy man prefer someone who is strong in her own right. Who loves him for who he is and how he is showing up in the world rather than from a need or a vulnerability. Why does one have to manufacture vulnerability anyways? Isn't it a natural part of our spiritual development and will show up in a relationship anyways. Wouldn't a great partnership be one in which both partners are focused individually on their growth and jointly aiding the other in his or her growth. And if that is the case, why must one feel less than another?

I now let go of this frustration.

I now focus on this new desire of an equal loving spiritual relationship. Oh how delicious it feels. :)

Meeting with the ex.

Today I met my ex-BF J. Our conversation was superficial. Perhaps it was the 4.5 months since our break-up. Perhaps it was the presence of my current (but soon to be ex-BF, a mutual decision I did not tell J about). Perhaps it was a joint desire to not get into detailed unresolved feelings from our relationship. Or perhaps it was us repeating interaction dynamics from our relationship. Once it was over I felt the pain. The pain of not sharing how I truly felt. And the pain of freshly feeling what it is like to let go of another and the dreams we have about them.

I wish him well. I also wish I could speak to him about our breakup openly. But perhaps the emotional release I expect from something like this is what I must provide myself. Life will tell…

Learning from the old romance

As the days go by after your ending our romance I keep getting more lessons about my creations in the relationship. Last night I realized my need to control due to fear. Today I realized that fear is the fear of a sweet little girl, who is so afraid of being judged and not loved. Two days ago I was regretting that I wasn't able to show you all my love. And now I realize most of our time together was love. Lots of love. Deep deep love. I miss you my jaan. I pray that someday we are both able to find even more beautiful love with each other or with someone else.

May be loving means accepting someone warts and all. May be moments with a lover are like a that warm honey mixture whose warmth and love you can feel many days after leaving also. I wasn't very kind to you about the parts of you I did not like. Neither was I allowing of these. I for my part plan to work on this in the future.

I must remember to love the humanness of someone just as much as I love the strength of their spirit. This is especially true in times when I bring intense needs to the relationship as only so much can be fulfilled by the other person.