Last night after a full day of exciting work my evening was ridden with loneliness, low self love, and doubt. I got myself out of this by admitting vulnerability to a friend and distracting self with 3 episodes of Buffy the Vampire slayer. There is something about that show that allows one to deal with darkness and evil. Fear and evil are treated as things one battles with and eventually frees oneself from. I generally watch the show at nights of spiritual crises until I can no longer remain awake. Almost always I wake up the next morning with lots of strength. My unconscious dreams processing takes away all the remaining anguish.
Funny isn't it. How a fictional show and sleep can do this for one. I think it is because both deal with a darkness I do not like to consciously admit. This makes recovery time slow when this darkness appears during the usual course of my waking life. So this morning I decided to spend at least 3 hours daily on my education of spirituality and people. As I was shifting through my books to determine my reading in these hours I came across Scott Peck's "People of the Lie." I bought this book a while ago as it was recommended by S in my spiritual circle but have until now shyed away from reading it. It discusses evil and darkness, within us and within others; not something I like to admit exists. I generally try to believe what appears to be an evil act is the result of pain and thus deserves compassion, while taking care to protect self.
My experiences with A and the disgusting cycle of darkness he was involving me in has made me question that belief. His behaviors are not something I can consciously explain with anything from my prior experience. The psychological paradigm provides an unsatisfactory explanation for the lack of growth that was deteriorated his life and discoloring mine.
The scary dream world and world of low energies also cannot be explained by my earlier ideas of spirituality, life, and humanity. So I am going into my reading of these matters with a more open mind and heart. I pray to Allah that he help me as I begin, proceed, and complete this endevour to take me to a newer and higher expanded level of understanding through which I can benefit my life and those of others.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Faith a constant journey in refocusing our energy towards belief in betterment from focusing on its lack
This morning I feel much better. I realized that before my acknowledgement of how my behavior was painful to others and not from source I was spending lots of energy maintaining my beliefs that what I was doing was needed and fun. This reminded me very much of A. I lived with A and his wife in exchange for work on their startup recently.
A is an ex-Israeli army officer. Many times his viewpoints about people, life, and the need for violence depressed me to my very core. Furthermore he focused a lot on violence. Violence in the past, violence in the present. Conflict between groups. The stupidity of action of one group that forced the other to retaliate. Life in A's home was constant talk of violence, pain, and suffering. His view of history was one of centuries of Jewish suffering and the inability to have a home. The most salient in his mind of the aggressors were the Muslims. Under his view there was no period of peace for Jews under Muslim rule (interestingly most Christain covert atrocities such as career and social limitations under Christain rule like forbidding Jews to all professions but usury and shunning them in society for it, was not in his mind an atrocity; I guess its to hard to maintain more than one demon).
The interesting thing about A was that he desired to change the world by creating an online community of openness and positivity where organic food, environmentally friendly practices, and spirituality were discussed. This vision was obviously at conflict with his worldview of depression, anxiety, and anger about the world and certain groups. But this was not obvious to him. He spent several hours working on his community daily. But breaks were always taken up by news and talk of news. At times he would invite friends to practice singing and guitar playing but even then his strong thoughts about world affairs and Muslim extremism almost always came up. My guess is these views were also the reason why he felt justified in scaring people and pressuring them, particularly those who had strong ideas of what they want to do. These tactics were again was in conflict with a more peaceful side of him that he also tried to aspire for.
Living with A was hard. But in hindsight I can feel great compassion for his suffering. I feel compassion for the suffering his resistant non-source thoughts formed within him. I also feel compassion for the suffering he felt from the constant internal tug of war within him. This war was between the hope and belief in the coming of what he has asked source and the constant talk of the lack of what he wants.
Its interesting how easy it is for me to see this now for someone else's issues. But really I do the same thing. And so do you. Faith is not a destination. It is a constant practice in believing in our powers of conscious creation and focusing on them solely while letting go of the resistant thoughts. May God help me and you in this journey.
A is an ex-Israeli army officer. Many times his viewpoints about people, life, and the need for violence depressed me to my very core. Furthermore he focused a lot on violence. Violence in the past, violence in the present. Conflict between groups. The stupidity of action of one group that forced the other to retaliate. Life in A's home was constant talk of violence, pain, and suffering. His view of history was one of centuries of Jewish suffering and the inability to have a home. The most salient in his mind of the aggressors were the Muslims. Under his view there was no period of peace for Jews under Muslim rule (interestingly most Christain covert atrocities such as career and social limitations under Christain rule like forbidding Jews to all professions but usury and shunning them in society for it, was not in his mind an atrocity; I guess its to hard to maintain more than one demon).
The interesting thing about A was that he desired to change the world by creating an online community of openness and positivity where organic food, environmentally friendly practices, and spirituality were discussed. This vision was obviously at conflict with his worldview of depression, anxiety, and anger about the world and certain groups. But this was not obvious to him. He spent several hours working on his community daily. But breaks were always taken up by news and talk of news. At times he would invite friends to practice singing and guitar playing but even then his strong thoughts about world affairs and Muslim extremism almost always came up. My guess is these views were also the reason why he felt justified in scaring people and pressuring them, particularly those who had strong ideas of what they want to do. These tactics were again was in conflict with a more peaceful side of him that he also tried to aspire for.
Living with A was hard. But in hindsight I can feel great compassion for his suffering. I feel compassion for the suffering his resistant non-source thoughts formed within him. I also feel compassion for the suffering he felt from the constant internal tug of war within him. This war was between the hope and belief in the coming of what he has asked source and the constant talk of the lack of what he wants.
Its interesting how easy it is for me to see this now for someone else's issues. But really I do the same thing. And so do you. Faith is not a destination. It is a constant practice in believing in our powers of conscious creation and focusing on them solely while letting go of the resistant thoughts. May God help me and you in this journey.
On inflicting painful humor on others
March 13, 2009,12:41 AM
It is 12:41 AM and I am still up. By all respects my day was great. I went hiking w some friends over a beautiful terrain. My mind however refuses to give me enough peace for sleep. As I lie in bed wondering what is causing this I can’t help but think back over my week. As I do I see things I did not like.
Among the ills I committed this week are:
· losing my temper over trivial things such as a late invoice from a vendor (who has made romantic advances in the past) and is using the lack of an invoice as an excuse to talking on the phone
· An unhelpful technical support specialist at HP
· Making a lot of fun of people, particularly Pakistani people
I thought back to some of the news stories about Pakistan I have been reading. I thought back about the state of my country. And I also thought back at the way we Pakistanis react to each piece of news on further corruption and pain in our country. We get sad, angry, and frustrated at worse and indifferent and mocking at best.
The same happens when we see behaviors in our countrymen that don’t appeal to us. The constant judging makes us feel disconnected and disparate from a wider community. The most common element is the humor. While it initially gratifies certain needs to be right and to feel better about oneself, in the end you don’t really. Mainly because the greatest joy one can receive is when one is connected and giving through source. When one is with source, one is incapable of degrading another. All that one can give another is of the highest form and of the greatest beauty possible. This painful humor, these put downs, don’t come from source. And each time one engages in them, the higher part of oneself goes to a more uplifting behavior. But we don’t follow in the physical reality. The result is negative feelings.
I for one, believe strongly is the beauty and power of source through me. I will now try my utmost to not engage in unjust behavior. I would rather uplift and encourage then downgrade and discourage. If I do not have good things to say to others, I will simply opt for silence. Such silence is better than any personal instant gratification or wowing in the eyes of others.
Help me dear Allah as I achieve this goal in my life.
It is 12:41 AM and I am still up. By all respects my day was great. I went hiking w some friends over a beautiful terrain. My mind however refuses to give me enough peace for sleep. As I lie in bed wondering what is causing this I can’t help but think back over my week. As I do I see things I did not like.
Among the ills I committed this week are:
· losing my temper over trivial things such as a late invoice from a vendor (who has made romantic advances in the past) and is using the lack of an invoice as an excuse to talking on the phone
· An unhelpful technical support specialist at HP
· Making a lot of fun of people, particularly Pakistani people
I thought back to some of the news stories about Pakistan I have been reading. I thought back about the state of my country. And I also thought back at the way we Pakistanis react to each piece of news on further corruption and pain in our country. We get sad, angry, and frustrated at worse and indifferent and mocking at best.
The same happens when we see behaviors in our countrymen that don’t appeal to us. The constant judging makes us feel disconnected and disparate from a wider community. The most common element is the humor. While it initially gratifies certain needs to be right and to feel better about oneself, in the end you don’t really. Mainly because the greatest joy one can receive is when one is connected and giving through source. When one is with source, one is incapable of degrading another. All that one can give another is of the highest form and of the greatest beauty possible. This painful humor, these put downs, don’t come from source. And each time one engages in them, the higher part of oneself goes to a more uplifting behavior. But we don’t follow in the physical reality. The result is negative feelings.
I for one, believe strongly is the beauty and power of source through me. I will now try my utmost to not engage in unjust behavior. I would rather uplift and encourage then downgrade and discourage. If I do not have good things to say to others, I will simply opt for silence. Such silence is better than any personal instant gratification or wowing in the eyes of others.
Help me dear Allah as I achieve this goal in my life.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Thoughts on sex as an emotion
A raw hungry desire, starting in the loins and prevading the body. Awaiting fulfillment and in the absence of it, self-destructing need. What is sex? A desire for the highest form of knowing oneself or a purely carnal desire of the body? Perhaps like everything it is a duality and our rational minds struggle to understand and accept when our bodies covet it extremely.
And sometimes this want and desire keeps one away from realizing how one is blessed. From the love and caring that comes from those around you, even the one you may covet.
It may also keep you from the realization that like all thoughts and feelings this too shall pass. Especially if you focus on that which makes you happier more and makes you happier now. Extreme energies like sex and love can sometimes take you away from the stable bliss and contentment that comes from deliberate conscious creation. This is not to say that these extreme energies are obstacles in your path. In fact enjoying them can also be a deliberate conscious creation, but so many times we engage in them on autopilot and as a distraction from our true goals. Rather, lets make fulfilling them a goal and consciously decide the context in which we fulfill them. They then loose their distractive power over you and become a beautiful thing you consciously create.
And sometimes this want and desire keeps one away from realizing how one is blessed. From the love and caring that comes from those around you, even the one you may covet.
It may also keep you from the realization that like all thoughts and feelings this too shall pass. Especially if you focus on that which makes you happier more and makes you happier now. Extreme energies like sex and love can sometimes take you away from the stable bliss and contentment that comes from deliberate conscious creation. This is not to say that these extreme energies are obstacles in your path. In fact enjoying them can also be a deliberate conscious creation, but so many times we engage in them on autopilot and as a distraction from our true goals. Rather, lets make fulfilling them a goal and consciously decide the context in which we fulfill them. They then loose their distractive power over you and become a beautiful thing you consciously create.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
How to uplift someone
If you want to uplift someone don't ask them how they are doing or how they have been? Ask them where they are going and see what magic awaits both them and you.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Handling criticism and finding emotional balance
I just had a discussion with my mother that included her bringing up things that were painful for me. I suffered the emotions corresponding to those moments for a short while after ending our conversation. What's interesting is that she simply had a different view point and nothing that was overwhelmingly wrong or abusive. But my internal suffering was intense.
Its interesting these dynamics of a relationship between two adults, where one adult myself is still coming from a child's perspective--i.e. that of needing unconditional love and thinking of each statement as a directive, where it simply may be an opinion.
Emotional balance comes from letting go of intensity when processing someone else's words, including those of our parents. And it is only with that balance that we can make solid life choices.
Its interesting these dynamics of a relationship between two adults, where one adult myself is still coming from a child's perspective--i.e. that of needing unconditional love and thinking of each statement as a directive, where it simply may be an opinion.
Emotional balance comes from letting go of intensity when processing someone else's words, including those of our parents. And it is only with that balance that we can make solid life choices.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Refining my worldview
This morning I lay in bed for a while not wanting to wake up and deal with a world where everyone is out to snake each other. I was trying to get my scared little heart to the right place for having the courage to wake up, do yoga, and attend a 9am webinar I wanted to attend. Somewhere around 8:30am, my higher self reminded me that the worldview that my mind was following was my source of suffering rather than the world itself. My worldview was preventing me from feeling okay enough to go and create beautiful abundant things. I repeated to myself thoughts about the greatness of God and the beauty he makes possible for me. I told myself that he is my one and only source of succor and the only one I turn to for help and instantly I felt better. I felt less forlorn and much more at ease. By the time I started the webinar I felt open to whatever amazing learning was going to come my way.
The result was marvelous. Not only was the webinar more interestingly presented but it gave me lots of inspiration. Not only did I receive inspiration of specific steps to take but I also received a more overarching realization. The realization was that I had started following the paths of others. While I learned a lot about business, people’s behaviors, and negotiation in the process, I had lost sight of a greater goal--of creating systems that are independent of me, inspire me, and make me revenue. This goal was somehow lost among a world of hustlers who call themselves independent consultants.
There are many good things to be said about hustling independent consultants. They have the stills to pitch in any and all situations, they provide a lot of free value to gain revenue and traction, and since they are constantly looking out for projects they are in a good position to learn about new market flows and directions. At the same time however they spend a lot of time trying to win clients (often for small deals) and thus drop the ball on delivery and expectations. Their focus on the consulting engagement often forces them to work on a frantic pace that prevents focus on other startup projects that aren’t currently paying. Consulting is therefore not a sustainable way to create a revenue system outside of oneself, at least not if you don’t have a stable income stream already.
So from now on, I am focusing on developing my own brand. Be it with my blog and social media presence as well as talk of my startup life. I will also try and get set up in a full-time job for a few months to grow my skill sets in areas I deem important. These new goals will definitely give me more direction.
Wish me luck.
The result was marvelous. Not only was the webinar more interestingly presented but it gave me lots of inspiration. Not only did I receive inspiration of specific steps to take but I also received a more overarching realization. The realization was that I had started following the paths of others. While I learned a lot about business, people’s behaviors, and negotiation in the process, I had lost sight of a greater goal--of creating systems that are independent of me, inspire me, and make me revenue. This goal was somehow lost among a world of hustlers who call themselves independent consultants.
There are many good things to be said about hustling independent consultants. They have the stills to pitch in any and all situations, they provide a lot of free value to gain revenue and traction, and since they are constantly looking out for projects they are in a good position to learn about new market flows and directions. At the same time however they spend a lot of time trying to win clients (often for small deals) and thus drop the ball on delivery and expectations. Their focus on the consulting engagement often forces them to work on a frantic pace that prevents focus on other startup projects that aren’t currently paying. Consulting is therefore not a sustainable way to create a revenue system outside of oneself, at least not if you don’t have a stable income stream already.
So from now on, I am focusing on developing my own brand. Be it with my blog and social media presence as well as talk of my startup life. I will also try and get set up in a full-time job for a few months to grow my skill sets in areas I deem important. These new goals will definitely give me more direction.
Wish me luck.
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