Loneliness

When the going gets tough and one feels emotions that are scary it is but natural to expect others to love you, tell you that you can make it, that you are amazing. But when the other is someone who feels you should be left alone to your own devices since they feel what you are going through can hurt them it becomes very easy to cross the line to anger and wanting them to feel how they are hurting you. Often times it becomes a futile process of banging heads against walls since not only is neither of you understanding the other, but neither of you is allowing enough mental space to the others state to even acknowledge the other’s feelings. The result is loneliness, unhappiness, and unlovingness. But perhaps like all things in life, it is part of the process of learning about yourself and others. And sometimes probably that is what it takes to help you decide the other is just not the one for you.

Law of allowing

In a moment of feeling great gratitude for my boyfriend I called him to tell him I love him. I had just watched “Sleepless in Seattle.” He on the other hand had watched Obama’s latest speech.

I am one of the most apolitical people I know. I simply do not trust that one political leader over another is capable of bringing the transformative change I deeply desire to see in society. Instead I am a believer in grassroots efforts that involve empowering the masses at an individual level rather then galvanizing them around a leader by appealing to their lower chakras. My passionate BF didn’t hear this when he was trying to convince me to persuade others to vote for Obama. He responded to my saying I am apolitical with you can’t even talk to one person for me?

Living this contrast reminded me strongly of my views on creation.

• creation is first and foremost an individual endeavor
• sometimes for some things it can be a joint effort between two partners
• no one is born to serve me and I am not born to serve another in their creation

The law of allowing is based on us being okay with another’s alternative creation. In our case this means him being okay with my desire to be apolitical and mine being okay with his political passion.

The people we attract

Recently when my partner had a strong emotional outburst over something seemingly innocuous I starting wondering about the kinds of relationships we attract in our lives. It seems to me that we attract partners who keep tapping parts of us that need to be awakened. Often this involves sparking a pain in us or them that we and they are unable to understand. Until we learn what it is and master the feelings, we cannot move forward as we will keep producing situations that make these feelings stronger and stronger.

letting go of control in love

Most of the time I have a very clear idea of what exact manifestation will make me happy. My new focus on being happy pre-manifestation is allowing me to be more open to a greater variety of experiences. For example a high energy, low depth call from a boyfriend no longer makes me feel unsatisfied. I fully accept the form in which love comes in my life at random moments. There is a unique pleasure in being such an open observer. Its not that I can ever control all the details of my life anyways. Each thought focused on lack of such control is my ego's fooling me into thinking that I can. Letting go of these thoughts and reorienting towards acceptance generally brings more happiness as I become open to more experiences.

moments of love

The softness of your touch, the calmness of your kisses. The expression of desire so loving that it takes my breath away. Your submitting to my touch. The surrender of your body to my love. Moments as delicate and perfect as fine glass. And a tender love I seek more of.

Choosing to value my time and dreams in a relationship

I wonder why is it that I am minimizing question/talk time with my jaan. I guess it is the realization that I got to spend time on my own goals as well as the realization that I cannot flow which his excitement when I feel mine are not where I want them to be going. In all I think this move is healthy and the guilt levels for a decision like this which was inculcated in my childhood is getting more and more manageable. Eventually it will go away completely. Thank you my dear God for teaching me to love and cherish myself and my time.

Feelings and the higher part of me…

I’ve been thinking a lot about connection with the divine part of me, that source energy that pervades all humanity, and connects it. I’ve also been thinking about what it feels like to be connected with it and what actions/thoughts take away that connection. Feeling becomes a very important indicator in this path. I’ve found that the simplest way to live that connection is to live with that which comes as feeling, stay with it long enough to understand it, release it, and reorient towards values and goals. When I am truly conscious of the higher part of myself, the higher part of me is conscious in-turn of the gratification focused exchanges and actions that move me away from the relationships I’d like to create. Sometimes however I must live the contrast to truly know that work, because the higher part of myself learns and grows through contrast. And that answer keeps changing across situations and times of spiritual development.

But the higher part of me knows all, although sometimes it doesn’t tell me. It wants me to figure out that which is my truest answer. The last verse of Rumi’s poem “Medicine out of pain” aptly describes this seeming paradox:

“I tell everything, but I do not say it,
Because, my friend, it is better
Your secret be spoken by you.”