Shift to a more positive money consciousness

Living in California bartering food and board for work, while striving hard to land a few consulting gigs, I am realizing how connected we hold money to self-esteem, security and well-being. Sometimes even relationship choices are from a place of trying to fulfill that gap. Lack of money can often keep many people stuck in negative vibrations of need and want rather than believing in abundance and receiving.

Shifting this vibration to one of abundance requires:

• Realizing what world views we have unconsciously chosen that bring about these negative emotions
• Remembering who it came from, understand ing their motivations, and putting those memories behind us
• Recognizing how these world views and vibrations constrain us. Ask yourself: if I wasn’t feeling insecure would I be more confident and how would that improve my outcome?
• Letting go of fear associated with believing the old world view or fear of not believing it
• Recognizing the beauty and joy around you. Being grateful for that and all your blessings.
• Recognizing and acting on the guidance and inspiration that comes through the advice people and your inner voice give you

In short, the first step is recognizing the pain of negative vibrations and the next step is choosing to shift them. If we are motivated we can achieve this shift with some practice. In the process it is that we not be too hard on oneself as that can often lead to more negative vibrations, and hence increase the problem and discomfort.

Wishing you peace, security, and confidence.

My introduction to Siddha Yoga

I have been practicing simple hatha yoga through Wai Lana's beginning videos for a little over a year now. But I have done yoga mainly for exercise and for strengthening by body enough to sit for mediation. My spiritual endeavors are usually focused on private meditation, reading new age teachers and coaches like Abraham Hicks, Wayne Dryer, and Jack Canfield and in participating in progressive Muslim group discussions like MRMO.

I have been looking for a less cerebral and more feeling based spiritual group for quite a while now. I believed this would allow me to deepen my meditation practice and integrate the values I so strongly believe in more fully into my life. Joining the dancing sapta at the Siddha Yoga Ashram in Oakland yesterday made me feel I may have found such a group.

The outer actions

The dancing Saptah is a simple step dance done in coordination with other dancers. Dancers form two concentric circles. The inner circle is smaller and faster moving then the outer circle. Steps are performed to the beat of traditional Indian drums called tablas. Chanting is also done simultaneous to dancing. Men and women chant different words invoking love for God. During the chant participants are told to think of the divine flame of God within them and to grow the feeling of love and joy that exists there. At the end there is a brief meditation.

The experience

Shortly after beginning to dance my mind thought, wow this is easy and beautiful but I think I am about ready to do something else. But the dance continued. The beat got faster, then slower, faster again, and finally slowed to a halt. Eventually my mind fell in line with the smoothness of the motion and the singing chants.

Something transcendental happened at this point. I no longer felt like a separate entity but felt deeply connected with those around me in our love for God. The simple repetitiveness of the movements had stilled my thinking mind.

I remembered an analogy of floating wood and water someone had used to describe this state to me. In the analogy the streams of water signified the information from one’s senses and the floating wood, the mind. Usually there are several streams moving the wood in various directions. The wood’s experience is a combination of everything.

But it is only when the streams stop, that the mind has a clearer experience and understanding of itself. It begins to understand the truth of what is really is. Consciousness, God, light, source. Near the end of the saptah when we sat down for a brief meditation, that was exactly how I felt--a warm strong presence of truth within me. The beautiful glowing warmth of clarity and consciousness.

Experiential not vicarious

As I read back over what I have written, I am realizing the elusiveness of my description. It is often easier for yoga practioners to describe asanas and the physical benefits they provide for you. It is much harder to explain what it feels like to be aligned and connected with source which comes from asanas, meditation and other yogic practices. This is because such things make most sense when experienced rather than when reading another’s explanation. But if my writing has bought about some curiosity in you, do message me. I would love to answer any questions you may have.

Should other people impact your happiness?

Last night, I hung out with a male friend who I have some feelings for and I was under the impression until last night had feelings for me also. I am not sure if I was completely wrong, whether he chalked the feelings down to sexual desire or one of the thought patterns in his mind made him choose to end those feelings for me.

As these thoughts came back to me this morning, I felt a little ashamed at my attempts to give him the opportunity to feel and express love. I also felt ashamed and saddened at the thought that his earlier behavior did not come from a place of tenderness and affection.

Since I have been working on connecting with source, my mind is more prone to protest loudly at negative thoughts. When it did so, I realized how surprising all these thoughts were. I realized that a lot of the pain and suffering we bring upon ourselves is through expecting others to act in certain ways. When they don’t we spend hours dissecting their every word and action. The truth is: it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what they think of you or what thoughts underlie their actions. Because at the end of the day you can rarely change people’s feelings and consequent actions. And you certainly cannot change them without the other person desiring to do so.

What you can change and what does matter is how you feel, think, and act; and whether your those are helping you close your vibrational gap or not.

The harder path

As I have heard people's judgments about how my behaviors in relationships are neediness I have alternated from pain, anxiety, to redissecting the pain and now finally to this new awareness that judgments come from the judger's personal filters. They also come from the judger's need to disengage and feel self-righteous his or her decisions. That being said understanding how others view my expression of needs is instructive. It has taught me that its not just the way of communication that is in the making of healthy individuals in healthy relationships, it is also the desire to work things out. All the small details. How to communicate. How to love. And lots of self-sacrifice.

Judging another and letting go is the easy path. Trying to make things work even if in the end you decide you cannot. Now that is hard.

Positive thought in times of negative emotion

Feelings of anxiety, fear, anger rise from a sense that the world and our place in it is not okay. That everything is chaos. That we are merely individuals alone in this vast sea of life being and pushed and pulled by other players in our life. This feeling of lack of control makes us show up in our lives as smaller, less confident, comfortable, optimistic presences. Since inner beliefs and talk take time to change it is helpful to remind ourselves of the better feeling and more empowering beliefs that come from our inner centers, the source of love and connectedness to God and regularly dispeling the beliefs that are in each fear contrary to this:

• The world is a beautiful user friendly universe. The darkness and absence is more than outweighed by the light.
• No one can keep you away from your light, the decisions you want to make that feel good and work for you. Feeling that they can is a remnant of earlier more helpless phases of personal and evolutionary development
• Your life is a reflection of your thoughts. A thought that collects the data of your experience and judges it as negative is just as realistic as one that judges it as positive. Due to our strong consciousness of the laws of the physical universe based on that which we gather from our senses we focus on action as the focal point of creation in our lives. From the vibrational perspective of the universe the order is a bit different: thought takes precedence over word, which takes precedence over action.

Three tips to more effectively dealing with criticism

Forgive the critic right away, even those who have bad intentions.

Not forgiving them hurts your own ability to feel good and focus on that which you want.

Think about the potential for truth

If you can find any use it as feedback to change your behavior positivity. Monitor your progress. They have given you a gift. Thank them and the universe for it.

Don’t dwell on the giver of criticism, his or her impression of you, or the possibility of future criticism

Dwelling simply makes one depressed. Instead think of the beauty in them and specifically the beauty in their criticism. Regardless of anything else a human being's ability to persist in using tactless methods to change behavior is just as amazing as their ability to change behavior tactfully by using kind words at the right moment.

Counteracting negativity

I’ve realized today that the ways of thinking I was born into were inherently defeatist. They are characterized by a strong focus on ego beliefs. While experiencing this contrast now as a 24 yr old builds up valuable vibrational escrow for the life I plan to live and the person I plan to be, it can be nonetheless painful. In such situations choosing to live my own teachings of positivity becomes a stretch goal but is still valuable.

Focusing on the now in the moment instead of the negative mental loops in our mind can serve as a wonderful tool in counteracting negative people. I promise to myself to try my utmost in focusing on beauty and love in every situation.

Meeting with the ex.

Today I met my ex-BF J. Our conversation was superficial. Perhaps it was the 4.5 months since our break-up. Perhaps it was the presence of my current (but soon to be ex-BF, a mutual decision I did not tell J about). Perhaps it was a joint desire to not get into detailed unresolved feelings from our relationship. Or perhaps it was us repeating interaction dynamics from our relationship. Once it was over I felt the pain. The pain of not sharing how I truly felt. And the pain of freshly feeling what it is like to let go of another and the dreams we have about them.

I wish him well. I also wish I could speak to him about our breakup openly. But perhaps the emotional release I expect from something like this is what I must provide myself. Life will tell…

Polygamy in Islam

My current boyfriend is passionately pro-polygamy and wants me to agree to him engaging in it post marriage. In recent months this topic has led to lots of emotional and mental salsa—one step forward, one step back. It goes like this: I share that monogamy is non-negotiable factor for me and that something otherwise take me away from the vision of life that I want to create for myself. At times when he sees my pain at the thought of having to leave him for his polygamous views, he says he has given the idea up. But at other times he returns to his original viewpoint and tries to convince me of the many ways in which polygamy will add to his life and mine.

Key to his viewpoint is the belief that polygamy is permitted in Islam. He says that as a progressive Muslim I must accept polygamy as valid. To him progressive Muslims should accept polygamy for we say we live by the following principal:

“We recognize the full diversity of Islamic traditions and the free participation therein as a sincere expression of faith.”

To me this argument is a gross misjudgment of what it means to be a progressive Muslim for another principle of progressive Islam is:

“We recognize critical reasoning and dynamic engagement with Islamic scripture and prevailing Islamic practices as an expression of devotion to, and esteem for, Islam and humanity.”

But even before we consider a cerebral argument regarding which values one adopts by affiliating with a religion or a progressive stream within a religion we should consider our inner emotional and mental clarity. We should ask ourselves: What values and decisions make me feel good? Make me feel empowered, loved, and justly dealt with? If values, words, thoughts, or behaviors feel oppressive or preventative of our free will we are keeping ourselves away from self-realization by giving them credence.

Use of silence and limited action in cocreation

For the past 3 or 4 of my asking my boyfriend to do the dishes and tidy his room. I didn’t like the feeling I got when trying to coerce him to do this. I tried doing the dishes myself for a few days hoping he will take over the next day but that never happened. I tried a calm discussion and how his not taking care of these things made me feel but this only led to him agreeing to take care of things but instead doing two other unasked for favors and later trying to renegotiate the room cleaning and dishwashing.

When I woke up this morning to a dirty room and a strong feeling of annoyance mixed with anger I started to analyze why his inaction was making me feel this way. I realized more than his inaction it was from feeling that his behavior called for angry rude behavior on my part. I also realized the nagging and the anger made me feel really sad and disconnected from source.

So I am trying an alternate course of action. I woke up this morning and wrote down the note below and made him sign it:

“I [my boyfriend’s name] promise to wash the dishes and tidy the bedroom before sunset. When I do so my girlfriend will begin speaking to me again. I understand that if I do not she will not do so.”

After signing I stopped speaking to him. Although he has still not completed both tasks in their entirety some changes have taken place, the negative reinforcement of no speaking has made him do a few dishes. But the most powerful thing is that I no longer feel cranky or disappointed. I feel hopeful. The decision to not talk as well as establish clear priorities by writing has taken action away from the equation of trying to create what I want--a tidy home. Not talking has made me realize the energy used in speaking and the energy used in expressing negative feelings makes the inner constriction of feeling grow. Letting that go has given me the space to vibrate in love and affection for my darling and recognizing the beautiful vibrance within him regardless of whether he follows through or not. It has also helped me realize that it is not the actions of others that makes us feel pain, it is our judging of them that gives us pain. This pain takes us away from our connectedness to source and all the beautiful things that lie within.

How we hold ourselves back

Yesterday while observing a period of anger in another I noticed a strong negative vortex within me. Later when I started to examine and release my negative emotion I realized that it fell in three categories: anger, annoyance, and fear.

Anger at the thought of unfairness. At strongly feeling that this person is yelling and showing himself to be a bigger animal in order to manipulate the object of anger to not acting out of his own understanding of his greater truth but instead to appease the aggressor by acting according to his will.

Annoyance at the aggressor’s choice to not learn from countless reminders he has received in life that manipulation is never the path to mutual happiness or the brighter free allowing world he says he wants to create.

And fear. The aggressor is choosing to show himself to be a bigger animal to get the object of anger to act out of fear. In line with this method the aggressor may intensify to higher and higher levels of maliciousness to reach his aims. Fear at the very real possibility of harm when dealing with such an individual.

As I finished thinking out loud about the basis of my negative reactions I realized that at their very core is the belief that all of us have the right to choose what we do and how we do it in our lives. My emotions are the result of feeling the contrast of people not allowing others to do so. But really by feeling these emotions and holding on to them I am being just as disallowing as the aggressor. Even if I am not responding with manipulation and anger by responding with negative emotion I am disallowing myself from the higher desire I launched due to my experience of this contrast i.e. creating a world in which we think, speak, and act out of our own highest self and allow and inspire another to do the same.

And like all thought this last thought is attractive. It has already given me ideas on how to deal with conflict at its seeds in a way that provides the space for each of us to voice and launch our own desires, without feeling the negative emotions of a disallower but instead the emotions of those who are source and are learning and reaching for a greater understanding towards the free world that I really want to create.

How does one express one's feelings?

What is a good way of expressing one's feelings? How does one say to another that something they said or did really bought out older pains or caused new one's? And if one doesn't do this how does one heal?

Loneliness

When the going gets tough and one feels emotions that are scary it is but natural to expect others to love you, tell you that you can make it, that you are amazing. But when the other is someone who feels you should be left alone to your own devices since they feel what you are going through can hurt them it becomes very easy to cross the line to anger and wanting them to feel how they are hurting you. Often times it becomes a futile process of banging heads against walls since not only is neither of you understanding the other, but neither of you is allowing enough mental space to the others state to even acknowledge the other’s feelings. The result is loneliness, unhappiness, and unlovingness. But perhaps like all things in life, it is part of the process of learning about yourself and others. And sometimes probably that is what it takes to help you decide the other is just not the one for you.

Law of allowing

In a moment of feeling great gratitude for my boyfriend I called him to tell him I love him. I had just watched “Sleepless in Seattle.” He on the other hand had watched Obama’s latest speech.

I am one of the most apolitical people I know. I simply do not trust that one political leader over another is capable of bringing the transformative change I deeply desire to see in society. Instead I am a believer in grassroots efforts that involve empowering the masses at an individual level rather then galvanizing them around a leader by appealing to their lower chakras. My passionate BF didn’t hear this when he was trying to convince me to persuade others to vote for Obama. He responded to my saying I am apolitical with you can’t even talk to one person for me?

Living this contrast reminded me strongly of my views on creation.

• creation is first and foremost an individual endeavor
• sometimes for some things it can be a joint effort between two partners
• no one is born to serve me and I am not born to serve another in their creation

The law of allowing is based on us being okay with another’s alternative creation. In our case this means him being okay with my desire to be apolitical and mine being okay with his political passion.

The people we attract

Recently when my partner had a strong emotional outburst over something seemingly innocuous I starting wondering about the kinds of relationships we attract in our lives. It seems to me that we attract partners who keep tapping parts of us that need to be awakened. Often this involves sparking a pain in us or them that we and they are unable to understand. Until we learn what it is and master the feelings, we cannot move forward as we will keep producing situations that make these feelings stronger and stronger.

letting go of control in love

Most of the time I have a very clear idea of what exact manifestation will make me happy. My new focus on being happy pre-manifestation is allowing me to be more open to a greater variety of experiences. For example a high energy, low depth call from a boyfriend no longer makes me feel unsatisfied. I fully accept the form in which love comes in my life at random moments. There is a unique pleasure in being such an open observer. Its not that I can ever control all the details of my life anyways. Each thought focused on lack of such control is my ego's fooling me into thinking that I can. Letting go of these thoughts and reorienting towards acceptance generally brings more happiness as I become open to more experiences.

moments of love

The softness of your touch, the calmness of your kisses. The expression of desire so loving that it takes my breath away. Your submitting to my touch. The surrender of your body to my love. Moments as delicate and perfect as fine glass. And a tender love I seek more of.

Choosing to value my time and dreams in a relationship

I wonder why is it that I am minimizing question/talk time with my jaan. I guess it is the realization that I got to spend time on my own goals as well as the realization that I cannot flow which his excitement when I feel mine are not where I want them to be going. In all I think this move is healthy and the guilt levels for a decision like this which was inculcated in my childhood is getting more and more manageable. Eventually it will go away completely. Thank you my dear God for teaching me to love and cherish myself and my time.

Feelings and the higher part of me…

I’ve been thinking a lot about connection with the divine part of me, that source energy that pervades all humanity, and connects it. I’ve also been thinking about what it feels like to be connected with it and what actions/thoughts take away that connection. Feeling becomes a very important indicator in this path. I’ve found that the simplest way to live that connection is to live with that which comes as feeling, stay with it long enough to understand it, release it, and reorient towards values and goals. When I am truly conscious of the higher part of myself, the higher part of me is conscious in-turn of the gratification focused exchanges and actions that move me away from the relationships I’d like to create. Sometimes however I must live the contrast to truly know that work, because the higher part of myself learns and grows through contrast. And that answer keeps changing across situations and times of spiritual development.

But the higher part of me knows all, although sometimes it doesn’t tell me. It wants me to figure out that which is my truest answer. The last verse of Rumi’s poem “Medicine out of pain” aptly describes this seeming paradox:

“I tell everything, but I do not say it,
Because, my friend, it is better
Your secret be spoken by you.”

Emotional barometer during stages of love

Falling in love=dreaming, emotional barometer is focusing on possibilities

Being in love=co-existing, emotional barometer is learning to accept self and other where they are

Living in love=while maintain sense of acceptance of self and other as a powerful creator. Manifesting some of one’s desire, some of the time, with someone else. Emotional barometer is focusing on maintaining a satisfied feeling during action.

What is an emotional barometer? Are you listening to it?

An emotional barometer can be defined in many ways. It is one’s sense of:
• self
• well being
• calm
• peace
• personal acceptance
• personal bliss

It can also be viewed as the lack of all these things.

It is highly sensitive and very fast in response. If trained it can tell us who is a potential threat and who is a partner.

In today’s society we are extremely afraid of our emotional barometers. We try to dull it with drugs, movies, alcohol, sex, sports and a number of activities re-purposed to provide us with a quick high that distracts us from the feelings of pressure, anxiety, and depression, all of which are signals of being on the wrong track from our emotional barometers.

Scott Peck argues In the Road Less Traveled that we engage in such avoidance of suffering due to laziness.

I would add that ignoring one’s emotional barometer is also something we are taught by authority figures and society. If we have no inner voice, we are simply shadows of others and of that which is our true self, and we are thus easier to control.

Listening to one’s own emotional barometer is not easy. Many times we simply do not want to experience pain since we believe we shouldn’t have to and we are perfect as we are (ego). To protect itself the ego also says to us that it is others who are causing us the pain (victimhood as a defense mechanism). If we were to let go of these feelings and accept the pain we would learn about the inappropriateness of these beliefs.

We would also quickly realize how important feeling good is to us. More important than an understanding of how others and life is, is how WE feel about ourselves within the context of life and how we feel we relate to others. Not based on opinions of others and what they want and what they are sending our way in terms of energies. But in how we feel about ways we are showing up in life.

This is important for two reasons. Firstly, others cannot hold us as their object of attention long enough to sustain any long term relationship guidance. Most people are striving with their own limiting belief systems and fears. Inviting their exploration and connection in our lives often results in feeling of getting the thin end of the deal. For we quickly realize how they can’t understand us without constant help and reorientation. Often in an attempt to be understood we remain in cycles of low energies and pain.

Secondly, focusing on how we show up in their lives helps them, if they choose so, see, understand, and co-create with us those elements of us which we feel are important. This involves conscious action and deliberate thought. It is also more likely to help us reach our relationship goals than simply expecting to receive that which we want.

Every time we choose honesty, love, self-trust our emotional barometer tells us that we are on the right track. Every time we feel lower energies such as fear and helplessness we must remember that those are indicators of where we are due to how we thought in the past. No one and nothing can ever overshadow our visions of who we are and what we want. They can simply help us realize contrast and can thus serve as great spiritual aids in reminding us to act with consciousness and focus towards a longer term sense of feeling better. When we do so we finally find that which we are asking and manifest that which our hearts deeply desire.

However, the interesting thing is that we never completely manifest for the law of nature is such that we are eternally feeling new contrasts and eternally expanding to rise up to them. I guess that is what makes life worth living.

The truth of love

Anger


At the forceful passion with which you choose to control me.

At the right you feel you have over me.


Where is my independent voice? Where is the tickle in my soul? Where is the joy of the love you promised me?


Perhaps love is:


that which seeks to explain rather than to be known

that which heals and is healed rather than expects

that which encourages another's heart to find its truth and to live it...


even if that means living it alone.

Moments

sweet memories of holding your face close to my heart and feeling the softness of your love permeate to my heart. Feeling the roundness of your head with my arms. A moment beamed down by heaven, expanding my heart and enlarging my soul in a magical way that only tenderness can.

Law of allowing--others to be, feel, do anything they want

Today when I stopped by D’s desk for a random social visit she began conversing on a new methodology on strength finding that corporate has been advocating. I told her I that I don’t agree with the methodology since in essence it says that you should identify your inner talents and develop strengths in accordance with them for it is difficult and almost impossible to develop strengths in areas where you have no inner talents. It is best to use areas of inner talent to loop around one’s weaknesses. I instead belief I can develop skills in any area I desire and it is not limited to areas of inner talent.

She kept arguing that is not different from what the book is saying. When I said lets agree to disagree, she said one can’t disagree when one doesn’t see what one is disagreeing with to which I responded that having a argument/conversation on the strength finder is not important to me. She said it is to her and I am being dismissive of her which is disrespectful. I told by insisting I have a conversation on something with her when I don’t want to she is being disrespectful of me.

While, that allowed her to say okay and give me a cue to exit to my mind it seemed like a needless confrontation. As I have have recently learned to learn I wondered what about my response that led to this escalation. It made me realize that the philosophies, ideas, and values I hold from people and especially people in my day job is significantly different. Sometimes to allow smooth flowing it is best to not push against that which is different but allow a parallel path which gives us all a chance to be and believe what we desire; allowing an epiphany to the other to come if their mind state so wills it. In any case, doing so will let others not feel slighted which otherwise is rampant in the close quarters of cubicle life and perhaps even in relationship life. People being free to believe and do as they will.

Random beauty of the broken hearted

I had the randomest, most beautiful experience today. A conversation about green cards with Surinder, the owner of an Indian restaurant I frequent, turned towards his breakup and then mine. It is amazing how healing it is to see your pain reflected in someone else. The disbelief, the inner emptiness, the memories, the love, the pain… And despite all this a level of acceptance. The desire to share one’s story and one’s feelings with others. Many times this is not to get advice but simply to get sympathy for one’s feelings and sense someone’s desire to uplift you. I felt this was mutual for me and Surinder as we spoke about our heart breaks. It felt so good to be united in such a way with another human being.

It feels even better to see the commitment and tenderness some men have for the women in their lives. It reminds me of the reality I aspire to create in my life.

Learning from the old romance

As the days go by after your ending our romance I keep getting more lessons about my creations in the relationship. Last night I realized my need to control due to fear. Today I realized that fear is the fear of a sweet little girl, who is so afraid of being judged and not loved. Two days ago I was regretting that I wasn't able to show you all my love. And now I realize most of our time together was love. Lots of love. Deep deep love. I miss you my jaan. I pray that someday we are both able to find even more beautiful love with each other or with someone else.

May be loving means accepting someone warts and all. May be moments with a lover are like a that warm honey mixture whose warmth and love you can feel many days after leaving also. I wasn't very kind to you about the parts of you I did not like. Neither was I allowing of these. I for my part plan to work on this in the future.

I must remember to love the humanness of someone just as much as I love the strength of their spirit. This is especially true in times when I bring intense needs to the relationship as only so much can be fulfilled by the other person.

Great Love’s vulnerabilities

Weekend post breakup with J’ was actually quite beautiful. With cuddles, gentleness, and love…of a friend who loves me.

As I lie in bed and think back to moments I shared with J’. I remember them so clearly. There was a certain kind of spirituality to those moments. The fulfillment in his eyes, the confidence with which he knew he was loved, the love he felt and freely gave me even if I was unshowered and scruffy and otherwise unattractive to another’s eye. His adoration and love in the way he held me, kissed me, and looked at me. I clearly remember the inner sensations, the peace, the strength, and the light I felt from him.

All that love, gave me so much courage. It healed emotional wounds, allowing me to become a more open loving person. It helped me become more at ease with my skin and what I had to offer the world. Surprisingly to me, it also gave courage of parts of me I denied. The intense yearning for control of my space, of people’s actions, of my environment and the fear all of this was based on. It all came charging out. And the fact that I didn’t censor these parts of myself, well that also came from love. My love. It was that love that allowed me to be vulnerable enough to fully feel and show him my anger, my yearnings, my insecurities, but mostly my vulnerabilities. Perhaps that is what great love does, it shows you who you really are. And perhaps the reason we really want it is the magical healing it brings.

Emotional Self-Care

5/15/2008 5:22:29 PM

Today has been a beautiful day. Lots of loving wishes from people around the world, some of whom I haven’t met in years. Some jokes from the business partners, a phone call and a loving poem from Satwik in India, a true blessing. Random cake and other giveaways. A birthday lunch treat from Betty who works at my company a girl who I have met only a few times.

And then an hour ago J’ called to wish me a Happy Birthday. And I was surprised, amazed!? Whatever that emotion was it certainly wasn’t light hearted happiness. As I told Betty at lunch today and wrote last night more than what J’ should have done, I thought about how I didn’t love him as I knew how. When she asked if I will get back together with him, I told her there was a lot of stuff that my relationship with him bought out. And as much as I wanted to tell him about my regrets, right now I am just tired. I need to understand all that has come out before I can really be as loving as I want with him or with anyone else. Attached to J’ were some feelings of suffering, regret, exhaustion, and relief that I just wanted time and spirituality to deal with.

When J’ called those feelings returned very strongly. I was wondering if he was calling to connect as I had asked him to. I was amused that he didn’t realize I’d be in the office. But mostly, I just didn’t want to deal with all these feelings.

When I started my relationship with J’, I felt that I had finally found a man amazing and sensitive enough whom I can partner with to understand and heal these extreme tiring emotions. His decision to end our romance, regardless of my own behavior that may have influenced it, is indicative of the fact that he either didn’t have the resources to deal with them or that he chose not to. After all the tears and pain at separation, I’ved realized that in some way right now I can’t assume responsibility to provide him with a consistent demeanor if my needs aren’t met and to do so is exhausting. I believe right now I will be doing him, myself, and my future partner if it is not him a favor if I focus on taking care of myself, understanding myself, and loving myself.

Last night when my business partner asked me what present I would like—I responded saying peace. I now realize this is a gift I can give myself. Peace, rest, and all the rejuvenating things in between. Oh dear God, help me create a time and place of respite in my life.

Prayer for the 25th year of my live

May 15, 2008
10 mins past birth date.
Prayer for the 25th year of my life—I am enjoying my fabulous connected life with abundance of love, joy, money, intelligence and purpose. I am conscious of what I do and how I do it, creating a legacy and a world that is heaven on earth! God grants me the strength and love to do my holy work.

de end of a romance

May 14, 2008
Two hours to my birthday. And also the moment that it will be three days from the ending romance with J’.
Physically the pain with this breakup was less severe than in the past, but still stronger than any other pain I have known. I slept and exhausted peaceful sleep mixed with some sense of relief and freedom and some sense of loss. All that was still better than the piercing incredulousness and disbelief I had felt just moments earlier.

When I awoke the thought of the loss pierced through my system. At the office as I sat through a meeting J’’s words rang threw my head—“I don’t love you like a lover anymore. But more like a friend.” The love that gave me strength, wholeness, and hope was suddenly not mine anymore. The same person who I couldn’t bring myself to breakup with 2 weeks earlier due to the severe pain I felt at that thought, told me that while he “loves, respects, and adores me” the current situation no longer worked for him.

As I sat and thought about my overwhelming sense of pain, I wondered why I was hurting so much. We don’t hurt when things simply happen, we only feel hurt when we feel something else was possible and under our control. Why am I feeling this hurt if it is simply because of J’, who he is, and where he is in this time of his life. After all I had fallen in love with the whole person, to change him would be to disrespect that which I loved. That’s when my coach’s words about “accepting and not expecting” came to mind. That’s when I remembered J’’s sense of pain at how I expressed my unhappiness at his phone call behavior came to mind.

Pain, drama, numbness…hitting my head against a thick glass wall of my own suffering. All the while forcefully asking J’ to bring my suffering to an end. Showing him, telling him, threatening him with my experience of pain.

And J’, poor J’, the man I love so intensely felt that he was responsible for my pain and annoyance. Overtime joy, bliss, and love deteriorated from our relationship. I kept practicing the law of attraction but forgot the other two laws, those of intending and allowing. I tried to attract beauty in my life, without intending clearly the how. The only how I intended was what J’ had to do to allow me to be happy, not intending what I had to do to. When I did intend my own actions—they usually revolved around expressing my needs. I didn’t allow him to be the magnificent lover he was capable of being. I kept focusing on what he was not providing, rather than letting him decide how he wanted to love me.
A few days ago I was thinking about what I had learned most for my past relationships. There was learning about what the other could not provide and learning what was important to me; leading me to subsequently seek and find better partners. But as sat back and thought of each partner and what I learned from him I realized what I wished for most when looking back was not how they loved me. Instead, it was how I loved them. I did a small prayer of thanks for that realization resolving to share my love with J’ more.

That realization didn’t help me in letting go of my sense of need and suffering. A few days later J’ breaks up with me.
I don’t want to create this pain of regret anymore. I want to create shared joy and bliss and deep love. Deep love doesn’t mean that I can depend on another to create what I want them to create. I am first an individual creator, and then sometimes on some topics a joint-creator. I must first educate myself on how to lift myself to be closer to my own spirit and things that are good. And on being that to others that I would like them to be for me.

I told J’ when we first started getting involved—that I don’t know what will happen in the future. But that I love him and that I will be forever thankful to him and to God for all I learn from this experience with him.
Allah, I have learned so much in this year. Lessons I wanted and also lessons I didn’t. Thank you for giving me the courage to explore them. Thank you also for sending people in my life who have allowed me to bring forth so many colors of emotions from my heart. And most importantly for sending me people and lessons that have allowed me to bring out and see what is in my heart, so that I may purge that which is not good for me and allow that which is best for me to come in.
Thank you for your love, guidance, and support. Thank you also for always being with me every step of the way. For that I am forever grateful.

Yours always,
Stir Fried Saali

Giving and receiving spiritual love

I realized recently that I am not liking what I am co-creating in my current relationship. When I told my coach this he responded by saying perhaps your partner simply does not know what you need. He asked me how many people in my life I have actually felt really get me to which I responded maybe three or four in different phases in my life. He said he doesn’t ask many people this but he is asking me because I’m high nurturance and trust that I should accept my partner, that I should love him through all that he does which I do not like and I should model that which I want from him. I replied by saying: “but that is so exhausting, to provide all that to others without getting it from them.” Soon after I said this he made me realize that is the only option. For the alternative of insisting on needing something does not work in relationships because it simply makes the other feel like they are not good enough.

Last night before going to bed I was thinking about which of my needs is not being met by my current relationship when I remembered my coach’s words. It made me wonder--aside from anything my previous partners could have done which they didn't do what is it that I regret from my past relationships?

Surprisingly the answer was how I behaved in each relationship. In each relationship I knew subconsciously how the other wanted to be loved, but I didn’t fully love in the way they needed. But I held back. The reason could have been feeling that what I wanted was not being met or simply not being conscious of what the other's needs were. I am now making a conscious choice to not have that regret in the future. From now on I will work on clarifying and providing what the other needs.

I also remembered that in each relationship I learned something crucial about relationships and connecting. In my first relationship post college I learned that intellectual connection alone was not sufficient to life partnership. I knew what was needed was something less cerebral, but I didn’t know what exactly it was. In my second relationship I learned that a sexual connection was important. In my third I learned that emotional connection was important. And in the current one I am learning that having a spiritual orientation toward love is important. Now whether I need a fifth relationship to provide me the spiritual connection is an open question. Perhaps the spiritual connection will be manifested within the current relationship, perhaps not. But looking back I am excited that I have learned so much about relationships, both what I must give and what I must provide. These lessons will be valuable in helping me work towards ultimately creating my heaven on earth.

That prospect makes me very excited about my life? Are you excited about your relationships?

Hard decisions--what kind of love is enough

I am a believer that my emotions in any area of my life are a strong indicator for learning that something isn't working in my life. They are also an opportunity to make a change that would bring my actions more in line with my desires and goals.

All that being said this realization and change is not always easy.

Today I told the man I am seeing that I will be taking some space over the next few days to decide what I would like to do about the concerns I have over my involvement with him. This has taken a lot of courage. I am at a point in my life where I have to decide if what is beautiful lovely and works in our relationship makes up for what is lacking and what all my visions of the future include.

Do the liberal open and nonjudgmental aspects of his persona make up for the distance. The geographic distance across states. The emotional distance I feel due to his lack of effort to "be there" for me or check up on me. In the past I have requested that we speak on the phone and connect more, only to be faced with strong resistance. His reasons are a dislike for phone/email in long distance relationships due to prior baggage related to this. I don't really understand his reasons but am more amazed at the resistance. This seems like a fairly small issue at the surface, what is bigger is his lack of desire at working with me when I am having difficulty with something. What kind of future will we have if he chooses not to be there for me in the future?

Will the love and respect make up for the distance and choosing not to engage? Will this choice to not engage even exist when we are geographically close? What makes me think that this will change and not me an issue in the future? If talking about what isn't working in the relationship brings up fear and anxiety for me now, if it happens in the future what will I be teaching my children about ways to deal with interpersonal issues?

Grant me Allah the inner strength to make these concerns clear to my partner. Help me communicate such that we decide to work together to change this relationship dynamic. And if that is not what we are able to do, grant me the wisdom to realize this early and the strength to leave him and be open to the next relationship or period of time with myself, which ever is better for my growth. I love you God. Please love and sustain me through this.

Personal experience--Learning from feedback

The last two days have been quite hard. I ran to get a report done but I didn't allow time for feedback on a summary from my boss as her last email to me seemed like its a okay send as is. A vendor showed up unexpectedly cutting my work time. I decided to make him wait a little and quickly finish something so he can give me a ride to the train station. Once on the train my boss calls with requested changes. I complete as many as I can on my blackberry and forward the rest to a coworker, apparently missing yet another detail not clear to me.

I go to NY to a networking meetup where I work the crowd and further my learning well only to get more feedback emails from my boss. This morning at work an after project review has clear comments from teammates directed at me. Later at lunch my boss tells me my tone is considered unrespectful by some although she cannot tell me who said what and doesn't know what other feedback to give me.

I quickly talk to a few ppl including one person I sensed had issues with me. Though I was feeling beaten up I developed a great plan to make sure I get feedback from people directly and keep paper trail of improvement as recommended by an honest adviser. My sensitive body is working on overload making breathing and functioning very difficult.

When I meditate I realize the learning in all of this and also realize that my reduced hours and "low" commitment is a conscious effort to allow myself evening hours to build my business. I also realize that I need to be in an industry I like to really be driven to move to the next level. Enter a new goal--move to CA where I work in a tech company I like. This will yield almost automatic motivation and due to my placement in a techie environment much better and faster movement of business development.

Then dad calls and we have a crying reunion (we had a huge falling out a few months ago). He has a plausible business goal and I tell him details about mine. And my dad is all for it. A big boost to the ego I tell you.

Though painful this whole experience has given me a lot of great learnings as well as goals for behavior change and new actions. These are some of the good things:

-I will now be more cognizant of my tone and have a team of well wishers who will be giving me feedback directly. This will help me in future regardless of what I do professionally
-I am making a career change to allow for more happiness and motivation earlier with a CA job rather than later with my business taking off
-I have a new ally in my father
-I am reminded to focus on my responses and not the uncontrollable elements of my situation. The latter being my forte as a perfectionist, which does not serve me and my goals

All in all I am at a great place. Thank you God for all your blessings and lessons. Aide me God in learning from these faster and with more strength, love, and compassion for myself. And God please do the same for my gentle readers.

Powerfully changing how we learn

There is a part of our brain that filters various forms of stimulation and creates a subset of stimuli we pay attention to. What we pay attention to often determines our path towards successfully accomplishing our goals or not. Learning occurs when we choose to reorient out thinking to different kinds of stimuli than we were before.

Three things help reorient our filtering system:
1. the need you feel at a specific point in time. Ex. if you feel pain you usually try to attribute your pain to something that causes the pain
2. Your view of yourself and the world
3. Goals that are in our conscious awareness due to your thinking about them

The more we choose to clarify what we want the more we will notice what behavior and actions take us closer towards those wants and what detracts from them. We can then eliminate the behaviors that take us away from our goals and increase the behaviors that take us towards them. This is a much more powerful and fast way of learning than ignoring the score increases and decreases of our actions and waiting for large external indicators or an authority to tell us what works best.

Kamila Shamsie--Karthography and my thoughts

I love Kamila Shamshie. She is my current favorite desi. The freshness of her style, the humor in all her lines makes me feel like I am reading a life update from my very own pathaka girl. A pathaka girl is what I call a smart funny witty Pakistani girl who has a knack of telling you about sad incidents with just as much wit and humor as the happy ones. The life of a pathaka girl seems like a stream of stories with little in it that can't be laughed about.

Kartography which I am reading right now is Shamshie's first novel but the second one I am reading. It is about the lives of two childhood friends, their parents, and their city Karachi in their teenage years and beyond. I am at a juncture of the novel where the narrator Raheen is in her junior year of college in the US and her friend Karim calls her after years of separation in which Karim moves to London, his parents get divorced, his mother remarries, and their letter contact comes to a halt after both feel misunderstood by the other.

Karim calls because he thinks Raheen finally is trying to understand the city and themselves in light of the larger happenings of the city nature, all those things that were hard to face earlier. Raheen who obviously wasn't at that place replies with anger that he misread the paper she wrote that started this conversation. While she was trying to talk about their separation and how she wished it never happened and how he was ignoring the stories of their shared past. But Karim was speaking of how their understanding and themselves was imperfect due to the isolation in which it lived without knowing and thinking of sorrows that belong to the rest of the world. The difference was of perspective.

I haven't been back to Pakistan in many years and the green card situation makes it likely that I won't be going back for many more. I wonder if this is something I have chosen so that I forget the nuances of my own story of being a child born in Kuwait to Pakistani parents returning to learn of the ethnic and class tensions that divided my life as I knew it in Karachi in so many ways. The backdrop of sectarian and ethnic violence that marked my teenage years. The ethnic and class differences that bound different parts of my family or the conscious effort to ignore it all as I continued to live my life focusing on the smaller dramas of romance, heart break and grades. Is it that even today after having a career and financial independence I'd like to forget those stories. Perhaps its time I accepted them and build with them the reality I want.

“Stir fried saali”—a sweet saali learning how to co-create her stir fried world

Welcome my sweet and gentle reader to the blog of Stir-Fried Saali.

I hope you are well and shining brightly. Thank you for coming. I feel honored to have you here.

I am a saali. In South Asia saali is the word for sister-in-law*. It connotes several emotions related to the saali—beauty, passion, fun, flirtatiousness, freshness. However, by nature of her relationship the saali remains tangential to most lives in her immediate circle. For the wife she remains a young harmless and naïve sister. For the husband a source of flirting pleasure but never someone to whom he feels any serious commitment that involves obligations. And for children a fun and playful aunt to go to for love and feel-good affection when the moral judgements and obligations of their parents’ world leave them feeling low.

Although the saali moves in the same circles as her family members, unlike them she does not “have” to do anything. She has ultimate freedom to experience whatever appeals to her. The practicing of this freedom, and passion with which she does so is the reason for her lively joy, a joy that prevades everything and everyone she touches. Those that come into contact with saali feel happier and revived. Their world looks brighter and they feel that they have the energy to strive for their dreams. For this gift they love her and like addicts they return to her repeatedly for their wellness elixir.

But cultural archetypes are idealized models constructed to allow us to understand how things would function if all other influences on a subject were not present. Reality is seldom so clean.

Regardless of where a saali comes from, being a free thinking woman she will always have her own opinions and values. She may live different parts of her life with different individuals. But her whole self, her inner values, and the seeming contradictions between them is something that she may not always share. For to share all parts of herself with everyone will put saali’s social value at stake. She therefore strives to provide observers with an image consistent with what they believe her to be.

I am everything a saali connotes. I am also a third culture kid and am in someways a more superior impression manager than most saalis. I amaze myself with my own ability to be a cultural chameleon. This is not to say that I am falsely presenting myself since growing up in different cultures from a young age has made my thought processes very multicultural. Nevertheless, if you know me I will only show you parts of my values, the one’s you are more likely to accept and appreciate.

I’m learning that if you wear masks long enough they become hard to take it off. Initially it is due to a sense of discomfort and overwhelming fear at the very thought of taking them off. But once you get past that you realize its because of inner confusion. Confusion about who one really is for in learning what one think others want one to be, one forgets what it is like to be one’s whole sweet authentic self.

When that happens it becomes hard to be the sweet happy saali that the world loves, for there is no longer a through line in what the saali is. Like the fallen leaves of a tree in autumn that toss and turn wherever the winds of life take them, saali inadequately bungles through life, for like the leaves she is no longer connected to a consistent loving whole—the deepest part of her soul that is linked to God.

I believe that allowing my inner voice the freedom to speak clearly and often is a key step to establishing that connection and trust with self, God and His universe. The thoughts expressed in this blog are one of my key attempts to do so this year. In it I plan to share the experiences and thoughts that challenge my spirit to understand my stir-fried world by looking deeper and learn better ways of being, doing, and creating as I learn to be united with God in creating the life and world I intend to bring into being.

This process may not always be easy for spiritual growth and development involves dealing with deep seated thought patterns and fears that have so far held one back. But I have faith that such difficulty and pain is a purposeful teacher. Although it can be hurtful and annoying if not consciously understood, just like stir fried vegetables look and taste so much better due to their experience with heat and spices, my body and soul will come out stronger and more successful on both worldly and spiritual counts. As I understand and learn my inner truth I will share with you my process with love and light. My intention is that this will bring healing and aid to your spiritual paths also.

Peace and Love,
Stir fried saali

*Saali can also be used as a swear word in Urdu. So I advise my non-South Asian readers to use this word with caution with everyone other than myself.