Friday, June 27, 2008
Moments
sweet memories of holding your face close to my heart and feeling the softness of your love permeate to my heart. Feeling the roundness of your head with my arms. A moment beamed down by heaven, expanding my heart and enlarging my soul in a magical way that only tenderness can.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Law of allowing--others to be, feel, do anything they want
Today when I stopped by D’s desk for a random social visit she began conversing on a new methodology on strength finding that corporate has been advocating. I told her I that I don’t agree with the methodology since in essence it says that you should identify your inner talents and develop strengths in accordance with them for it is difficult and almost impossible to develop strengths in areas where you have no inner talents. It is best to use areas of inner talent to loop around one’s weaknesses. I instead belief I can develop skills in any area I desire and it is not limited to areas of inner talent.
She kept arguing that is not different from what the book is saying. When I said lets agree to disagree, she said one can’t disagree when one doesn’t see what one is disagreeing with to which I responded that having a argument/conversation on the strength finder is not important to me. She said it is to her and I am being dismissive of her which is disrespectful. I told by insisting I have a conversation on something with her when I don’t want to she is being disrespectful of me.
While, that allowed her to say okay and give me a cue to exit to my mind it seemed like a needless confrontation. As I have have recently learned to learn I wondered what about my response that led to this escalation. It made me realize that the philosophies, ideas, and values I hold from people and especially people in my day job is significantly different. Sometimes to allow smooth flowing it is best to not push against that which is different but allow a parallel path which gives us all a chance to be and believe what we desire; allowing an epiphany to the other to come if their mind state so wills it. In any case, doing so will let others not feel slighted which otherwise is rampant in the close quarters of cubicle life and perhaps even in relationship life. People being free to believe and do as they will.
She kept arguing that is not different from what the book is saying. When I said lets agree to disagree, she said one can’t disagree when one doesn’t see what one is disagreeing with to which I responded that having a argument/conversation on the strength finder is not important to me. She said it is to her and I am being dismissive of her which is disrespectful. I told by insisting I have a conversation on something with her when I don’t want to she is being disrespectful of me.
While, that allowed her to say okay and give me a cue to exit to my mind it seemed like a needless confrontation. As I have have recently learned to learn I wondered what about my response that led to this escalation. It made me realize that the philosophies, ideas, and values I hold from people and especially people in my day job is significantly different. Sometimes to allow smooth flowing it is best to not push against that which is different but allow a parallel path which gives us all a chance to be and believe what we desire; allowing an epiphany to the other to come if their mind state so wills it. In any case, doing so will let others not feel slighted which otherwise is rampant in the close quarters of cubicle life and perhaps even in relationship life. People being free to believe and do as they will.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Random beauty of the broken hearted
I had the randomest, most beautiful experience today. A conversation about green cards with Surinder, the owner of an Indian restaurant I frequent, turned towards his breakup and then mine. It is amazing how healing it is to see your pain reflected in someone else. The disbelief, the inner emptiness, the memories, the love, the pain… And despite all this a level of acceptance. The desire to share one’s story and one’s feelings with others. Many times this is not to get advice but simply to get sympathy for one’s feelings and sense someone’s desire to uplift you. I felt this was mutual for me and Surinder as we spoke about our heart breaks. It felt so good to be united in such a way with another human being.
It feels even better to see the commitment and tenderness some men have for the women in their lives. It reminds me of the reality I aspire to create in my life.
It feels even better to see the commitment and tenderness some men have for the women in their lives. It reminds me of the reality I aspire to create in my life.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Learning from the old romance
As the days go by after your ending our romance I keep getting more lessons about my creations in the relationship. Last night I realized my need to control due to fear. Today I realized that fear is the fear of a sweet little girl, who is so afraid of being judged and not loved. Two days ago I was regretting that I wasn't able to show you all my love. And now I realize most of our time together was love. Lots of love. Deep deep love. I miss you my jaan. I pray that someday we are both able to find even more beautiful love with each other or with someone else.
May be loving means accepting someone warts and all. May be moments with a lover are like a that warm honey mixture whose warmth and love you can feel many days after leaving also. I wasn't very kind to you about the parts of you I did not like. Neither was I allowing of these. I for my part plan to work on this in the future.
I must remember to love the humanness of someone just as much as I love the strength of their spirit. This is especially true in times when I bring intense needs to the relationship as only so much can be fulfilled by the other person.
May be loving means accepting someone warts and all. May be moments with a lover are like a that warm honey mixture whose warmth and love you can feel many days after leaving also. I wasn't very kind to you about the parts of you I did not like. Neither was I allowing of these. I for my part plan to work on this in the future.
I must remember to love the humanness of someone just as much as I love the strength of their spirit. This is especially true in times when I bring intense needs to the relationship as only so much can be fulfilled by the other person.
Great Love’s vulnerabilities
Weekend post breakup with J’ was actually quite beautiful. With cuddles, gentleness, and love…of a friend who loves me.
As I lie in bed and think back to moments I shared with J’. I remember them so clearly. There was a certain kind of spirituality to those moments. The fulfillment in his eyes, the confidence with which he knew he was loved, the love he felt and freely gave me even if I was unshowered and scruffy and otherwise unattractive to another’s eye. His adoration and love in the way he held me, kissed me, and looked at me. I clearly remember the inner sensations, the peace, the strength, and the light I felt from him.
All that love, gave me so much courage. It healed emotional wounds, allowing me to become a more open loving person. It helped me become more at ease with my skin and what I had to offer the world. Surprisingly to me, it also gave courage of parts of me I denied. The intense yearning for control of my space, of people’s actions, of my environment and the fear all of this was based on. It all came charging out. And the fact that I didn’t censor these parts of myself, well that also came from love. My love. It was that love that allowed me to be vulnerable enough to fully feel and show him my anger, my yearnings, my insecurities, but mostly my vulnerabilities. Perhaps that is what great love does, it shows you who you really are. And perhaps the reason we really want it is the magical healing it brings.
As I lie in bed and think back to moments I shared with J’. I remember them so clearly. There was a certain kind of spirituality to those moments. The fulfillment in his eyes, the confidence with which he knew he was loved, the love he felt and freely gave me even if I was unshowered and scruffy and otherwise unattractive to another’s eye. His adoration and love in the way he held me, kissed me, and looked at me. I clearly remember the inner sensations, the peace, the strength, and the light I felt from him.
All that love, gave me so much courage. It healed emotional wounds, allowing me to become a more open loving person. It helped me become more at ease with my skin and what I had to offer the world. Surprisingly to me, it also gave courage of parts of me I denied. The intense yearning for control of my space, of people’s actions, of my environment and the fear all of this was based on. It all came charging out. And the fact that I didn’t censor these parts of myself, well that also came from love. My love. It was that love that allowed me to be vulnerable enough to fully feel and show him my anger, my yearnings, my insecurities, but mostly my vulnerabilities. Perhaps that is what great love does, it shows you who you really are. And perhaps the reason we really want it is the magical healing it brings.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Emotional Self-Care
5/15/2008 5:22:29 PM
Today has been a beautiful day. Lots of loving wishes from people around the world, some of whom I haven’t met in years. Some jokes from the business partners, a phone call and a loving poem from Satwik in India, a true blessing. Random cake and other giveaways. A birthday lunch treat from Betty who works at my company a girl who I have met only a few times.
And then an hour ago J’ called to wish me a Happy Birthday. And I was surprised, amazed!? Whatever that emotion was it certainly wasn’t light hearted happiness. As I told Betty at lunch today and wrote last night more than what J’ should have done, I thought about how I didn’t love him as I knew how. When she asked if I will get back together with him, I told her there was a lot of stuff that my relationship with him bought out. And as much as I wanted to tell him about my regrets, right now I am just tired. I need to understand all that has come out before I can really be as loving as I want with him or with anyone else. Attached to J’ were some feelings of suffering, regret, exhaustion, and relief that I just wanted time and spirituality to deal with.
When J’ called those feelings returned very strongly. I was wondering if he was calling to connect as I had asked him to. I was amused that he didn’t realize I’d be in the office. But mostly, I just didn’t want to deal with all these feelings.
When I started my relationship with J’, I felt that I had finally found a man amazing and sensitive enough whom I can partner with to understand and heal these extreme tiring emotions. His decision to end our romance, regardless of my own behavior that may have influenced it, is indicative of the fact that he either didn’t have the resources to deal with them or that he chose not to. After all the tears and pain at separation, I’ved realized that in some way right now I can’t assume responsibility to provide him with a consistent demeanor if my needs aren’t met and to do so is exhausting. I believe right now I will be doing him, myself, and my future partner if it is not him a favor if I focus on taking care of myself, understanding myself, and loving myself.
Last night when my business partner asked me what present I would like—I responded saying peace. I now realize this is a gift I can give myself. Peace, rest, and all the rejuvenating things in between. Oh dear God, help me create a time and place of respite in my life.
Today has been a beautiful day. Lots of loving wishes from people around the world, some of whom I haven’t met in years. Some jokes from the business partners, a phone call and a loving poem from Satwik in India, a true blessing. Random cake and other giveaways. A birthday lunch treat from Betty who works at my company a girl who I have met only a few times.
And then an hour ago J’ called to wish me a Happy Birthday. And I was surprised, amazed!? Whatever that emotion was it certainly wasn’t light hearted happiness. As I told Betty at lunch today and wrote last night more than what J’ should have done, I thought about how I didn’t love him as I knew how. When she asked if I will get back together with him, I told her there was a lot of stuff that my relationship with him bought out. And as much as I wanted to tell him about my regrets, right now I am just tired. I need to understand all that has come out before I can really be as loving as I want with him or with anyone else. Attached to J’ were some feelings of suffering, regret, exhaustion, and relief that I just wanted time and spirituality to deal with.
When J’ called those feelings returned very strongly. I was wondering if he was calling to connect as I had asked him to. I was amused that he didn’t realize I’d be in the office. But mostly, I just didn’t want to deal with all these feelings.
When I started my relationship with J’, I felt that I had finally found a man amazing and sensitive enough whom I can partner with to understand and heal these extreme tiring emotions. His decision to end our romance, regardless of my own behavior that may have influenced it, is indicative of the fact that he either didn’t have the resources to deal with them or that he chose not to. After all the tears and pain at separation, I’ved realized that in some way right now I can’t assume responsibility to provide him with a consistent demeanor if my needs aren’t met and to do so is exhausting. I believe right now I will be doing him, myself, and my future partner if it is not him a favor if I focus on taking care of myself, understanding myself, and loving myself.
Last night when my business partner asked me what present I would like—I responded saying peace. I now realize this is a gift I can give myself. Peace, rest, and all the rejuvenating things in between. Oh dear God, help me create a time and place of respite in my life.
Prayer for the 25th year of my live
May 15, 2008
10 mins past birth date.
Prayer for the 25th year of my life—I am enjoying my fabulous connected life with abundance of love, joy, money, intelligence and purpose. I am conscious of what I do and how I do it, creating a legacy and a world that is heaven on earth! God grants me the strength and love to do my holy work.
10 mins past birth date.
Prayer for the 25th year of my life—I am enjoying my fabulous connected life with abundance of love, joy, money, intelligence and purpose. I am conscious of what I do and how I do it, creating a legacy and a world that is heaven on earth! God grants me the strength and love to do my holy work.
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