Great Love’s vulnerabilities

Weekend post breakup with J’ was actually quite beautiful. With cuddles, gentleness, and love…of a friend who loves me.

As I lie in bed and think back to moments I shared with J’. I remember them so clearly. There was a certain kind of spirituality to those moments. The fulfillment in his eyes, the confidence with which he knew he was loved, the love he felt and freely gave me even if I was unshowered and scruffy and otherwise unattractive to another’s eye. His adoration and love in the way he held me, kissed me, and looked at me. I clearly remember the inner sensations, the peace, the strength, and the light I felt from him.

All that love, gave me so much courage. It healed emotional wounds, allowing me to become a more open loving person. It helped me become more at ease with my skin and what I had to offer the world. Surprisingly to me, it also gave courage of parts of me I denied. The intense yearning for control of my space, of people’s actions, of my environment and the fear all of this was based on. It all came charging out. And the fact that I didn’t censor these parts of myself, well that also came from love. My love. It was that love that allowed me to be vulnerable enough to fully feel and show him my anger, my yearnings, my insecurities, but mostly my vulnerabilities. Perhaps that is what great love does, it shows you who you really are. And perhaps the reason we really want it is the magical healing it brings.

Emotional Self-Care

5/15/2008 5:22:29 PM

Today has been a beautiful day. Lots of loving wishes from people around the world, some of whom I haven’t met in years. Some jokes from the business partners, a phone call and a loving poem from Satwik in India, a true blessing. Random cake and other giveaways. A birthday lunch treat from Betty who works at my company a girl who I have met only a few times.

And then an hour ago J’ called to wish me a Happy Birthday. And I was surprised, amazed!? Whatever that emotion was it certainly wasn’t light hearted happiness. As I told Betty at lunch today and wrote last night more than what J’ should have done, I thought about how I didn’t love him as I knew how. When she asked if I will get back together with him, I told her there was a lot of stuff that my relationship with him bought out. And as much as I wanted to tell him about my regrets, right now I am just tired. I need to understand all that has come out before I can really be as loving as I want with him or with anyone else. Attached to J’ were some feelings of suffering, regret, exhaustion, and relief that I just wanted time and spirituality to deal with.

When J’ called those feelings returned very strongly. I was wondering if he was calling to connect as I had asked him to. I was amused that he didn’t realize I’d be in the office. But mostly, I just didn’t want to deal with all these feelings.

When I started my relationship with J’, I felt that I had finally found a man amazing and sensitive enough whom I can partner with to understand and heal these extreme tiring emotions. His decision to end our romance, regardless of my own behavior that may have influenced it, is indicative of the fact that he either didn’t have the resources to deal with them or that he chose not to. After all the tears and pain at separation, I’ved realized that in some way right now I can’t assume responsibility to provide him with a consistent demeanor if my needs aren’t met and to do so is exhausting. I believe right now I will be doing him, myself, and my future partner if it is not him a favor if I focus on taking care of myself, understanding myself, and loving myself.

Last night when my business partner asked me what present I would like—I responded saying peace. I now realize this is a gift I can give myself. Peace, rest, and all the rejuvenating things in between. Oh dear God, help me create a time and place of respite in my life.