Survival

Strange how for survival we sometimes kiss the enemy.

Letter to Allah--after frustration

Letter to God.

Dear God,

This morning a leg cramp woke me up during REM sleep. Surprisingly the dreams involved pleasing women. When I finally got out of bed I was annoyed. I was annoyed at having to choose where I wanted to go in my life. I was annoyed at the boringness inherent in the relaxed and calmer work state and the need to get married and have a family.

In the kitchen my roommates had eaten some of my food so that annoyed me too. I called my mother out of a sense of obligation instead of love and her talk of my marriage got me annoyed again. I am very angry now. Angry at being unable to go with my own flow. Angry at always not being good enough for everyone I am with. Does it ever end?

When the going gets good I feel happy, euphoric, and then relaxed, bored and anxious. What is going on? Must emotions always be all over the place? And are only the positive ones good?

Response from my higher self/source

Emotions are how you grow. Negative ones are needed for this and therefore good. In fact this whole concept of global good and bad is irrelevant as the need/impact of anything should always be taken in context. And I indicate whether you are being something that is aligned through emotions in that context.

I tell you the point at which thinking that is not from me through emotions. You are feeling frustration and guilt around the relationship and interaction with your mother. Remember that comes from you feeling you did not respond in a way that was in line with your higher self to her. It also comes from the realization that you are carrying a defunct pain from your childhood, her behavior reminded you of this pain rather than cause you a new pain. Both of these are not from me.

You feel that you are not lovable enough and that you must always project something that can be loved. I tell you that I love you always. Whether or not you make money, whether or not you find a life partner. These measures are an extension of the love I have for you and the love you have for yourself but their absence does not by any means indicates that I do not love you. I always love you. You always belong. You are perfect in every way. When you believe in all of this, you are believing in me. And when you believe in me, you see me everywhere you look.

Don't depend on life and people to show you how to believe in me and see yourself through my eyes. Learn to see yourself through my eyes always. For it is only then that you are truly seeing. For otherwise life is like a veil on your eyes, a block on your hearing, and a seal on your heart. Believe my beautiful, loving little heart that I love you and you are amazing. And everything you want shall come to you.

Love always, Allah.

Lessons from my leadership failure

Today I failed someone as a leader.

I was unaware of the difficulties and emotions going on for them in other parts of their life. When they shared a need that contradicted our prior agreement along with an ultimatum I told them they should feel free to utilize the ultimatum as the agreement cannot change.

The agreement was based on my needs and the needs of the business and thus came out of respect for myself and something larger than myself. I did not give them the choice of emotional closure as I felt the relationship did not have a chance of lasting as a long term one. This work relationship was 8 months. That is longer than any romantic relationship I have had and this person therefore had a special place in my heart.

My failure came in not realizing his emotional state and realities of his situation. It also came at being unable to motivate him through praise when he needed it most. While better than many people, I have a lot to learn about connecting with people emotionally and influencing them. I am thankful dear God for this lesson you have given me. Please help me as I strive to inculcate this in my life and learn better and better ways of being. Ameen.

Loving you from afar...

Sometimes your heart just lights up at someone watching out for you and loving you from afar. At those moments you bless you stars at being able to get a loving beauty that is so complete and full. And though you and your heart want to show love in your own way, you realize the beauty that you love may not be comfortable with where your love may take it.

And then you feel the pain at the lack. The lack of being able to touch. Being able to kiss. Being able to lovingly worship the heart and body of a great soul like a parvana worships fire. You then miss that body, that heart, and that soul that you can no longer touch.

Oh the sorrow of a love you cannot fully touch can be bittersweet. And when he touches you, you rejoice at the memories and feel the sorrow of separation. But you then remind yourself you want to create a love that accepts and does not blame. That cherishes but does not own. That loves but does not expect. That fills to the brim with joy and fullness of all that life has to offer. And that believes. Believes a fuller love has arrived where passion and acceptance from heart, body, and soul flows everywhere.

I love you soooo much baby! May love and passion always be with us.

Sometimes in the valley

Sometimes in the flow of the life in the valley one wonders. What it is that one really has.

Aggressive work, egos, achievements, desire for money and fame, parties, men (or women), and at the end of it all exhausted passing out. Its at those moments when some of us wonder--what did we really loose by leaving the fold and leaving our people? In loosing that system that only allowed the lowest common denominator of progress, was there something sweeter that we lost. Was that something understanding, love, protection?

And then one wonders did one loose the only thing that is really valuable in the world.

These thoughts come and pass as the newest coolest innovation catches our eyes. We enjoy the adrenaline rush, refocus on our desire for money, stuff our mouth with yet another cookie and then go back to the work that will help us get all--money, joy, fame and may be someday the love and admiration we so desire...

Oh God please keep my A' safe...

Once in a while, in life we have a great love. One that even at parting you love deeply. Someone who really gets under your skin. Some one you then end up praying for forever. You ask God to keep him safe, whole, and loved.

Please God keep my A' safe. I am leaving him to your infinite grace.

On the crucible of life and love

Thinking about the analogy of the crucible of life's experiences. As C' said melting and living through the crucible allows you to become: resilient and hardened enough to handle life's embrace, soft and flexible to yield as need be, and purified and released from the pain and the impurities that prevent you from expansion.

But what if you fear this expansion, growth, and pruning. Well the answer comes best from Khalil Gibran in his chapter on Love in the book the Prophet. Here is a quote that says it well:

But if in fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all your laughter, and weep but not all your tears.

Rant about a team

How a'holian. Geeze, wht is your management style bread, water, and reserve!

F'ing A if you really want to change the world try being a bit more open with it. Freeze torture isn't really an appropriate way to get impact. Loser.

Learnings of what I can improve next time

-value elicitation--what are your goals from the role. What do you hope this will do for you

-stories--show casing my abilities. Prepare impactful stories for earlier work at

-forgot planned techniques and needs

Really poor on comfort and human side of business. Gotta put feelers out there to increase options for self so that I come from a place of abundance, power, and choice.

I will succeed!

WTF WTF WTF.

U damn, no good piece of shit had the audacity to doubt my ability to deliver on big projects! Do you know how clueless all of you are. The crap someone is able to sell u because u just didn't bother to do your research.

Listen up to me u a'hole. I will succeed. I will do well. And you know what your work helped, but ultimately I will succeed because I rock. GOT THAT! Cause I rock!

Reflections on papa, and work

Today A sent me a note about a job opening. I like the company he mentioned. But despite this I wished he had added a note in there saying something that touched me emotionally. P says its too early for that.

Later I realized I was loading up the experience of repeated brainwashing from my dad, something he still does to this day. I got a reminder of this when I called him today. Hints rather than clear communication is something he relies on heavily. When I clearly call his hints out and state what I do and do not want he gets pissed and either starts guilting me or degrade this cultural context.

I feel frustrated that my experience of him invading my space has still not changed. And that pain is still so fresh. I guess it will keep coming into my experience if I keep focusing on it. Let me then focus on understanding and clear communication as something I expect and receive from all my relationships.

But back to the job. If that isn't fully the experience I want then what do I really want. The answer is probably the ability to play a bigger game. The network, social skills, and personal story telling that will allow me to get to that level. That's what I will get J to coach me on tomorrow.

The man I want--reflections on my emotions and men after a recent night out

Last night I went our with A, bro and GF, and another paki guy.

I am amazed at the number of conflicting emotions that have been coming up about this experience. Even now I don't know how to write a few lines of pure consistent prose about the experience. Let's try freehand. Hmm getting an emotional response that it will be a struggle. Lets do this bulleted list thing and see if this works:

• I love A's ferocious masculine energy. I can tell that when he has sex he consumes the other person completely. Like literally swallowing them with everything he has. Its like my wildest masturbation fantasies coming true!
• Playing with him while dancing gives me a glimpse of the above along with the feeling of rapt attention, wanting, and desire.
• Flowing with these feelings is difficult because other parts of me come in with emotions and thoughts that are the opposite of this pleasure, being, and wanting. Those other parts are constantly judging people or me, making me feel unworthy or less worthy than others, and making me feel that I have to fight, flee, or close myself down. The closing of self is particularly painful.
• Even more painful is the feeling of having to constantly be aware of how much I can trust, love, and accept people without being hurt.
• He smelt and felt so good. My heart wants to know if he cares. Does he care enough to accept my heart? If he does then I'd like to give myself the permission to let out all the love that I feel.
• Does he want the love that is bubbling inside me, the way it is? Too often have people I've loved not wanted the best kind of love I could provide. With M I felt that he wanted the fun, joy, and sexualness of being more so than what I gave him because my mental and spiritual focus quickly took the energy of our interactions to a different place then he wanted to be.
• I wish M had told me. And I wish guys would just tell me this. But they don't. Apparently some part inside of me says they do communicate this, but in ways I don't understand. They really are from Mars and perhaps I really am from Venus.
• Oh but he feels soooo good.
• Funny to be letting out all these emotions without judging them. I sound like a teenager. May be this is the part of me that I never allowed to grow up
• I wonder if a part of my upbringing makes me reduce connection levels with other guys when with one to prevent temptation. That's closing off the openness of the heart. But then again, in this case it seems to be a real concern of some of these guys.
• pain, pain of lack of a heart connection. Why am I struggling with getting the heart to meet with more folks. May be it is like opening. A game. Do it with enough people so that when the right person comes along I will be able to engage and form a trusting relationship with him
• I seem to be imbibing the emotions and energies of all these people who are connecting without the desire for a more connected interaction. I need to find ways of letting some of this out of my system--my internal center must be a stronger muscle than it is and my techniques for getting back into it need to be honed more also
• unrequited love--emotional and sexual memories are being loaded up again. Breathe. Accept and understand my relationship to that.
• hurt that he may not engage in a deeper connection due to his desire to focus on his startup rather than another person

Conclusion--like all amazing learning experiences in my life when with rich, fast moving, action oriented, yet scared of connection/love (and its loss) people like A and trio my life stream moves very fast. I see so much I want and I see so much I don't want. The wanting and unwanting is also part of the learning my soul is getting from them. And for all of that, it is worth it. The emotional ups, down, and cringes are part of the process. Of getting clearer about what it is that I do want.

I do want:

• a man who eats me up with gusto, passionate, and raw desire
• a man who cares about my emotional and physical well being
• a man whom I can easily communicate with about my emotions
• a man who is willing to learn with me on how we can both do this better
• a man who is willing to try with me different ways to deepen our emotional connection
• a man who when he puts his arm around me my body and heart opens to him in a loving, accepting embrace wherein I can surrender some control but feel the freedom to be and do and flow with my own energy and freedom
• a man who is ambitious, clear, achievement oriented. Makes hard calls about business and people when he has to. But knowing that inside is a very loving and caring person who is watching out for others as well as himself.
• a man who despite his other goals knows and wants to expand his connection with me. One who treats this also as a prime goal in his life.

I appreciate and enjoy this time with A. I am loving how he is showing up now. Yet I continue to dream with strong passion and deep love for the man I've described above. He may show these sides of himself in these or other folks I know or as someone completely new. My faith in his coming is so real that I can feel his lips on mine, his heart beat close to mine, and his passionate hardness pressing on me. I love you my love. And you are here with me, as I wait for you. :)

worlds connecting...

For a moment two worlds came together and intersected in time. Thank you for the inner shine and beauty you bought to our connection. I will forever think of you fondly.

God's decree on work

Just wrapped up two productive meetings. These were great in terms of engagement and opening up people and really understanding where they are and what they need as well as enjoying the process. When I sat down at a cafe to catch up on email I felt panic and foreboding, emotions that it seemed came out of no where. As a break I turned to Hafiz. And this poem stole my heart:

A Hard Decree

Last Night
God Posted
on the Tavern wall
A hard decree for all of love's inmates
Which read:
If your heart cannot find a joyful work
The jaws of this world
Will probably
Grab hold of your
Sweet Ass.

Thank you for a brief encounter

Thank you. Thank you for dipping into my spirit and sharing my most feminine self. Thank you for loving my presence and my form. My light and my love. Thank you for letting me love you and you me. The bounds we crossed, the courage you showed, the desire we felt will remain honored and sacred. May life grant us both that which nurtures us, grows us, and keeps us on a path of progress, growth, and happiness. The spirit that is me lovingly embraces the spirit that is you.

On developing love!

Oh what a weekend--3 parties. Lots of great contacts and learning both on the professional and personal front. Professionally learning which folks are great resources for learning and connecting. Several folks for follow up chats and interviewing for the other blog.

Personally--at first party bad feeling vibration to someone's actions which I quickly cut short. Understood the guy was using pick up artist moves and look towards him with compassion and belief in his being better. Or not, but it doesn't affect me as its not about me and I choose not the focus on it. At another party someone I really liked trying to hook me up with someone else. Felt really weird about it and realized thru someone else's feedback that I appeared annoyed. At this point even that feedback feels great because now I know exactly what areas of rapport I have to focus my efforts on learning in terms of outside action with inside inner change. Love someone and enjoy them, not be annoyed by who they are. Love will grow deeper as time goes by but sensing its lack isn't what will get me there. Thank you source for this expansion and learning. I feel the manifestation is coming!

Now I will focus on my professional goals. Blog about those ideas of marketing and strategy that I feel strongly within me. Give a written voice to those ideas I believe so strongly within me. I know and feel them coming.

My most important goals in relationships

1. I am loving and being loved
2. I am growing and learning to be better connected emotionally
3. I add value to the other's life and happiness
4. I am understanding of my needs and his needs
5. I am being fair to myself and him
6. I am meeting my needs first and then determining best combination of both of our needs
   

Believing in myself when corporate world doesnt

Many of all the consulting offers I am getting from my outreach efforts are leaving me frustrated. The taking advantage--inadequate or no pay offers, demeaning what I offer, and the talks of how my past successes were low hanging fruit are jarring my awareness. BS u little good for nothings. I am amazing and great at what I do. I will reach heights of achievement. And then you will wonder what made you miss it. And even if you don't trust me I will get better results than you ever dreamed of in you puny little offices.

I believe in myself and my power. I value myself as higher than anything these guys could pay me.

Get network goal up in 3 months.

How being with some people is the same as being alone

M didn't commiserate or sooth when I told him something was annoying me. Why bother with guys like that! Its like being alone with flirts thrown in, which if you have a healthy global sense of flirting is like being alone--with flirts thrown in.

Cherry picking desi men

Wanting to give myself more options in the dating life I am actually going to Facebook and cherry picking desi men. Helps me feel there is an abundance of choice out there. Well almost. When I a "married" status this morning I actually said "screw you, what's wrong with you," laughed and continued to cherry pick. LOL!

Rant: Sindhi closemindedness

Weirdness. My cousin emails me to tell me she is having her nikah--marriage contract signed with someone on Friday. All she tells me about the guy is that he is Punjabi from my dad's hood. Does nothing else matter to these people?! She is living in the west, you'd think ethnic close mindedness and Sindhi nationalism would leave by now. Her email does not make her sound any different from a girl in Pakistan.

Ugh.

I wonder if at some level I'd rather not hear from such mentally improvished family members.

Secret to getting it all--make someone else do it! :)

Yesterday I finished my client deliverable and took a break. But you know how it goes for most of us. Once we take that break we realize all those things we had been avoiding. The cleaning, the tidying up, the wired mangle running across the living room... And there goes the break as we then start the cleaning, the tidying, the separating of the mangled wires in the room.

There are some people who are quite comfortable with making living their work vision a priority. But making living your work vision a reality a priority often does not mean you want to give up having a beautiful organized space and you probably want to keep all the other wheels of the process turning. You want those new business cards followed up with. You want that email cleared. And gosh even the tidying up needs some logic which a cleaning service may not always put in.

We may say its brainless, its meditative. But there is nothing like having all these things done and being open to a few hours of serendipity. Here's the trick--we don't have to do it ourselves. I recently hired an assistant who takes pride in organizing my life even though her own can sometimes get very chaotic. I guess its just easier to see what helps someone else's life than your own. Also most of us pride ourselves in a job done to our internal satisfaction. Her internal satisfaction in seeing my life organized is so huge that she makes sure that the ball is never dropped (overall) . I love it!

I have an organized living room, work space, closet. And soon all the furniture to keep it that way without spending the countless brainless hours taking care of these things. If I were at this alone all this probably would not have happened or taken many months if not a year to get there.

Thank you Nora from the bottom of my heart!

Emotions tearing you? Love yourself.

Just had a great morning of contrast and resultant expansion. About 40 mins ago I was not flowing with the expansion. Meditating did not help me flow either. Turns out my ego was pulling me apart. A part of me wanted to believe I was right in behaving a certain way while that another part of me was guilting me for. The thought process that allowed this conflict was that sometimes one has to take a hard and difficult stance for justice. And the emotional after tearing is just part of that decision.

But today I realized that it doesn't have to be. Emotions are a result of thoughts. An emotion of guilt should be examined for any teaching it gives regarding whether an action should have been avoided or been better in some way. Once that examination has been made. Love and trust yourself. You are not bad. You are simply learning. Tell yourself to remember to use that learning in the next situation and then enjoy all that you have in this moment and all that you are doing and planning to do in this moment.

Love yourself. There is never a need for suffering.

Sharing where you are going

There is something sooo powerful and expanding about sharing where you are going in life with different people. This is true regardless of whether you just met them or have known them for years. The experience is one of personal expansion and growth at its best.

Money and fun with bondage in Pakistan

A friend sent me a beautiful heartwarming tale of entrepreneurial success and pushing of boundaries in Karachi, the city I am from. Be sure to watch the embedded video if you get time

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/28/world/asia/28fetish.html?_r=1&emc=eta1

My criticism of a criticism of a criticism

This morning I awoke to an email from an Australian living in Pakistan asking me to comment on her controversial piece titled in Defence of Muslim Women. Now I love Danielle, but I think some of her writing on Pakistan does not help raise Pakistani consciousness or even that of the west about it. Below is my comment to her piece. I feel bad that my tone is harsh but it needed to be so.

I respect you a lot but I think some of your points here are just as misguided as the Western criticism. My thoughts:
-many Pakistani women do feel oppressed by the scarf wearing--associations, heat, sense of loss of freedom. This does not come from western influence, it comes from the cultural push by some segments to do this to others who don't accept it. The issue becomes whose version of Islam are you following.
-You use a US example of a broken society due to lack of punishment for illicit extramarital relations. First off Europe has similar laws and way fewer pregnancies. Researchers says this is because US sexual education preaches abstinence rather than birth control as in many ways the US is puritan. Thinking of US as puritan is hard for those in Pakistan. When my mother visited here some of her aunty circle asked if people in the US have sex on the streets! Just as the west gets a warped perspective of Pakistan, Pakistan gets one heck of a warped perspective on the US.
-If it were just this warped perspective on sex I wouldn't care, but what does bother me is that in doing so we often leave out everything that is constructive. This includes the quintessential US belief in being able to get what one wants if one puts in the hard work. Very different than the feeling that things from outside (your government, other governments, the electric company and everything else Pakistanis complain about) drive your reality. By the way isn't that a key tenant of Islam--faith and belief in one's own power to improve things.
-There are a lot of human right violations that go on in that so called Muslim country. These have existed pre-terrorism rise and continue to do so today. You yourself complain about these but do not tap into the stillness of mind that would make them instructive for you and your readers. Instead you try to combat it with resistant negative thought. God's reality is that such negatively keeps one locked in the same patterns.

In the segment of US society I live in, everyday people wake up and plan/execute how to make their lives and those of others more improved, enthusiastic and beautiful, through their work. I recognize this is not all of the US. But what thoughts do most people in Pakistan wake up with? Let me read the news and feel bad about the hue and cry of the world? Let me drown in feelings of anger and self-pity? Wouldn't it be better to take a step back and actively teach yourself and others how to be more positive and thus change you life and those of others. May be you already do this. But if so why aren't you writing about it? Why is it that I never see stories of more than doom and gloom from Pakistan. Unlike what political and mulana propoganda in Pakistan teaches you, self-justification and righteousness is not the path of faith; changing and improving systems and structures is.

When I have said this in the past people have told me that I do not understand Pakistan and the forces it must deal with. I will be bold and say something I often feel but don't let out. I think all you who call yourself Muslims do not understand your faith. The prophet's life was about bringing change to oppressive systems. Not justifying them. If you call yourself muslims and love him, then follow his example in whatever small way you can. Complaining about the state of the world and other's criticism is not one of those ways.

15 sec pitch for a revolutionary mentality

As someone who grew up in class conscious Pakistan I sometimes have occasions of feeling class inferiority. These occasions have become much rarer over the last few years. But a recent breakup reminded me of some of the same feelings. So I pinged my friend P, a raving San Franciscan liberal--the kind of people I really love and told him about this, thinking that his incredulous-ness will shame these last visages of class inferirioty out of me. What actually happened was much more amazing. It reminded me of the brightness I really am. Here is P's 15 sec pitch for a revolutionary mentality. Read, enjoy, and grow!

First:
recognition that you have come to this country overcoming class and gender, and a powering your way to success all by yourself compared to someone whose mommy and daddy paid their way through life, that's not a big accomplishment

Second:
humans have a divide and conquer system going on
it's a chain

Third
think about womens rights, decolonialization, abolition of slavery, queer rights. All of these things at it's roots have been class struggles

Fourth
It's about empowerment. Empowerment of the individual, empowerment of you
if you had a kid and they said that they didn't feel good enough to date a white person, what would you tell them?


that the future of the world is getting beyond class and race conciousness? :)
it's cool to be working class
it's the best class to be
:)

working class produced punk rock, hip hop, all that in your face stuff
okay, that's my mini rant.

Loving myself

This day I greet with love. Love for myself and love for all people and situations. The true God consciousness is really one of love and acceptance. I will practice this love for myself as I learn to be kinder to myself. For how I am with myself and others attracts life's behavior towards me. Help me God as I strive to love myself through the tasks of my day.

Towards the manifestion of a spiritual equal relationship

Last night when I called my mom to share my happiness over a call for a date, I tooted my own horn a bit for my tact with which I influenced the date request. My mom however, denied to give me any praise. She said that she does not agree with my viewpoint on things. She feels I have no control and think I am too good: a woman should always feel some reverence for a man as he is greater than her.

I always feel a strange confusion when my mother talks like this. On one hand she has never truly accepted this in herself. On another she and my uncle think that I challenge the male ego by viewing myself in such a positive light.

I wonder about this though. Wouldn't a healthy man prefer someone who is strong in her own right. Who loves him for who he is and how he is showing up in the world rather than from a need or a vulnerability. Why does one have to manufacture vulnerability anyways? Isn't it a natural part of our spiritual development and will show up in a relationship anyways. Wouldn't a great partnership be one in which both partners are focused individually on their growth and jointly aiding the other in his or her growth. And if that is the case, why must one feel less than another?

I now let go of this frustration.

I now focus on this new desire of an equal loving spiritual relationship. Oh how delicious it feels. :)

Believing in oneself

Each time we are overtaken by fears, by our sense of another's judgment, by pressure to change who we are and what we believe we are struggling with. We are struggling between what we or others see versus what we want and believe to be true. Many times we get disheartened at this. But really we should simply believe in ourselves and our vision. If we do so even if we fail, though there is not such thing as failure, we will move from this life knowing that we tried. And in that trying we grew. Oh and how delicious that growth is.

Visual representation of my ideal days

Visual representation of my ideal days
Originally uploaded by stirfriedsaali

Visual representation of my ideal day and goals. This helps me keep on track with my goals by giving my brain a visual method. It doesn't matter if you can draw or not. Drawing out images related to your goals is a powerful way to keep on track. Try this technique!

Heaven and hell--metaphors or entities? Does it really matter?

Last night a friend asked me if I believe in heaven and hell.

This is an interesting question and a few years ago when I decided to take an alternative to mainstream Islam stance at this I was keenly aware that in doing so I was breaking from generations of dearly held doctrine.

According to mainstream Islam--heaven and hell are entities. At some point in the future there will be a day of judgment when all that we know as matter ceases to exist. When this happens human beings will be given an account of their lives. Those who were good will go to heaven and those who sinned will go to hell. At face value the Quran supports this view and there is a very detailed description of the occurrence of judgment day and its aftermath.

Progressive muslim thinkers however believe that this description could also be a metaphor for heaven and hell as being metaphors for our experiences on earth. Some say that heaven and hell are not entities. Others say that the Quran can be interpreted as describing heaven and hell as both metaphors and as entities.

My Quran discussion facilitator takes that latter view. When I asked him what is true he responded by asking me what I think*. I responded with saying that I believe that heaven and hell are metaphors for my experience in this life. I am not denying that they may exist as entities, they very well might. All I am saying that the explanations given to me of their existence as entities do not appeal to me or strike me as particularly well-grounded. I like to say that I am agnostic their existence as entities. This has led me to a very long and intense discussion with a mainstream Christain, who felt that it was his duty to return me to the crucial and true fundamental of faith i.e. believing in the existance of heaven and hell as entities**.

But frankly if I am agnostic about the existence of heaven and hell as entities, why does it matter? My morality is not based on a fear of punishment in the afterlife. Instead it is based on the obvious consequences I face now. If I engage in generally unadvised acts that act as obstacles in my path (the general progressive interpretation of sin) then I will get negative consequences. As a sentient being with my best interests at heart, I will correct. These consequences can be anything from painful emotions such as lack of peace, anxiety, fear to various forms of punishment by human beings.

At best this makes me more cognizant of the impact of my actions than a believer in punishment in the afterlife. At worse, I am just as likely to be deterred from gross sins as him or her. So if the primary intent of the heaven and hell view is to deter immoral behavior, the agnostic viewpoint does the same.

So what do you think? Is belief in an afterlife central to religiousity and morality?

*a practice among the best Progressive discussion facilitators to prevent group think and encourage individual thinking. One I highly agree with.
**interesting how the other disagreements he has with Muslim doctrine were forgotten at this point :)

To seek the end of spiritual upheaval

Last night after a full day of exciting work my evening was ridden with loneliness, low self love, and doubt. I got myself out of this by admitting vulnerability to a friend and distracting self with 3 episodes of Buffy the Vampire slayer. There is something about that show that allows one to deal with darkness and evil. Fear and evil are treated as things one battles with and eventually frees oneself from. I generally watch the show at nights of spiritual crises until I can no longer remain awake. Almost always I wake up the next morning with lots of strength. My unconscious dreams processing takes away all the remaining anguish.

Funny isn't it. How a fictional show and sleep can do this for one. I think it is because both deal with a darkness I do not like to consciously admit. This makes recovery time slow when this darkness appears during the usual course of my waking life. So this morning I decided to spend at least 3 hours daily on my education of spirituality and people. As I was shifting through my books to determine my reading in these hours I came across Scott Peck's "People of the Lie." I bought this book a while ago as it was recommended by S in my spiritual circle but have until now shyed away from reading it. It discusses evil and darkness, within us and within others; not something I like to admit exists. I generally try to believe what appears to be an evil act is the result of pain and thus deserves compassion, while taking care to protect self.

My experiences with A and the disgusting cycle of darkness he was involving me in has made me question that belief. His behaviors are not something I can consciously explain with anything from my prior experience. The psychological paradigm provides an unsatisfactory explanation for the lack of growth that was deteriorated his life and discoloring mine.

The scary dream world and world of low energies also cannot be explained by my earlier ideas of spirituality, life, and humanity. So I am going into my reading of these matters with a more open mind and heart. I pray to Allah that he help me as I begin, proceed, and complete this endevour to take me to a newer and higher expanded level of understanding through which I can benefit my life and those of others.

Faith a constant journey in refocusing our energy towards belief in betterment from focusing on its lack

This morning I feel much better. I realized that before my acknowledgement of how my behavior was painful to others and not from source I was spending lots of energy maintaining my beliefs that what I was doing was needed and fun. This reminded me very much of A. I lived with A and his wife in exchange for work on their startup recently.

A is an ex-Israeli army officer. Many times his viewpoints about people, life, and the need for violence depressed me to my very core. Furthermore he focused a lot on violence. Violence in the past, violence in the present. Conflict between groups. The stupidity of action of one group that forced the other to retaliate. Life in A's home was constant talk of violence, pain, and suffering. His view of history was one of centuries of Jewish suffering and the inability to have a home. The most salient in his mind of the aggressors were the Muslims. Under his view there was no period of peace for Jews under Muslim rule (interestingly most Christain covert atrocities such as career and social limitations under Christain rule like forbidding Jews to all professions but usury and shunning them in society for it, was not in his mind an atrocity; I guess its to hard to maintain more than one demon).

The interesting thing about A was that he desired to change the world by creating an online community of openness and positivity where organic food, environmentally friendly practices, and spirituality were discussed. This vision was obviously at conflict with his worldview of depression, anxiety, and anger about the world and certain groups. But this was not obvious to him. He spent several hours working on his community daily. But breaks were always taken up by news and talk of news. At times he would invite friends to practice singing and guitar playing but even then his strong thoughts about world affairs and Muslim extremism almost always came up. My guess is these views were also the reason why he felt justified in scaring people and pressuring them, particularly those who had strong ideas of what they want to do. These tactics were again was in conflict with a more peaceful side of him that he also tried to aspire for.

Living with A was hard. But in hindsight I can feel great compassion for his suffering. I feel compassion for the suffering his resistant non-source thoughts formed within him. I also feel compassion for the suffering he felt from the constant internal tug of war within him. This war was between the hope and belief in the coming of what he has asked source and the constant talk of the lack of what he wants.

Its interesting how easy it is for me to see this now for someone else's issues. But really I do the same thing. And so do you. Faith is not a destination. It is a constant practice in believing in our powers of conscious creation and focusing on them solely while letting go of the resistant thoughts. May God help me and you in this journey.

On inflicting painful humor on others

March 13, 2009,12:41 AM
It is 12:41 AM and I am still up. By all respects my day was great. I went hiking w some friends over a beautiful terrain. My mind however refuses to give me enough peace for sleep. As I lie in bed wondering what is causing this I can’t help but think back over my week. As I do I see things I did not like.

Among the ills I committed this week are:
· losing my temper over trivial things such as a late invoice from a vendor (who has made romantic advances in the past) and is using the lack of an invoice as an excuse to talking on the phone
· An unhelpful technical support specialist at HP
· Making a lot of fun of people, particularly Pakistani people

I thought back to some of the news stories about Pakistan I have been reading. I thought back about the state of my country. And I also thought back at the way we Pakistanis react to each piece of news on further corruption and pain in our country. We get sad, angry, and frustrated at worse and indifferent and mocking at best.

The same happens when we see behaviors in our countrymen that don’t appeal to us. The constant judging makes us feel disconnected and disparate from a wider community. The most common element is the humor. While it initially gratifies certain needs to be right and to feel better about oneself, in the end you don’t really. Mainly because the greatest joy one can receive is when one is connected and giving through source. When one is with source, one is incapable of degrading another. All that one can give another is of the highest form and of the greatest beauty possible. This painful humor, these put downs, don’t come from source. And each time one engages in them, the higher part of oneself goes to a more uplifting behavior. But we don’t follow in the physical reality. The result is negative feelings.

I for one, believe strongly is the beauty and power of source through me. I will now try my utmost to not engage in unjust behavior. I would rather uplift and encourage then downgrade and discourage. If I do not have good things to say to others, I will simply opt for silence. Such silence is better than any personal instant gratification or wowing in the eyes of others.

Help me dear Allah as I achieve this goal in my life.

Thoughts on sex as an emotion

A raw hungry desire, starting in the loins and prevading the body. Awaiting fulfillment and in the absence of it, self-destructing need. What is sex? A desire for the highest form of knowing oneself or a purely carnal desire of the body? Perhaps like everything it is a duality and our rational minds struggle to understand and accept when our bodies covet it extremely.

And sometimes this want and desire keeps one away from realizing how one is blessed. From the love and caring that comes from those around you, even the one you may covet.

It may also keep you from the realization that like all thoughts and feelings this too shall pass. Especially if you focus on that which makes you happier more and makes you happier now. Extreme energies like sex and love can sometimes take you away from the stable bliss and contentment that comes from deliberate conscious creation. This is not to say that these extreme energies are obstacles in your path. In fact enjoying them can also be a deliberate conscious creation, but so many times we engage in them on autopilot and as a distraction from our true goals. Rather, lets make fulfilling them a goal and consciously decide the context in which we fulfill them. They then loose their distractive power over you and become a beautiful thing you consciously create.

How to uplift someone

If you want to uplift someone don't ask them how they are doing or how they have been? Ask them where they are going and see what magic awaits both them and you.

Handling criticism and finding emotional balance

I just had a discussion with my mother that included her bringing up things that were painful for me. I suffered the emotions corresponding to those moments for a short while after ending our conversation. What's interesting is that she simply had a different view point and nothing that was overwhelmingly wrong or abusive. But my internal suffering was intense.

Its interesting these dynamics of a relationship between two adults, where one adult myself is still coming from a child's perspective--i.e. that of needing unconditional love and thinking of each statement as a directive, where it simply may be an opinion.

Emotional balance comes from letting go of intensity when processing someone else's words, including those of our parents. And it is only with that balance that we can make solid life choices.

Refining my worldview

This morning I lay in bed for a while not wanting to wake up and deal with a world where everyone is out to snake each other. I was trying to get my scared little heart to the right place for having the courage to wake up, do yoga, and attend a 9am webinar I wanted to attend. Somewhere around 8:30am, my higher self reminded me that the worldview that my mind was following was my source of suffering rather than the world itself. My worldview was preventing me from feeling okay enough to go and create beautiful abundant things. I repeated to myself thoughts about the greatness of God and the beauty he makes possible for me. I told myself that he is my one and only source of succor and the only one I turn to for help and instantly I felt better. I felt less forlorn and much more at ease. By the time I started the webinar I felt open to whatever amazing learning was going to come my way.

The result was marvelous. Not only was the webinar more interestingly presented but it gave me lots of inspiration. Not only did I receive inspiration of specific steps to take but I also received a more overarching realization. The realization was that I had started following the paths of others. While I learned a lot about business, people’s behaviors, and negotiation in the process, I had lost sight of a greater goal--of creating systems that are independent of me, inspire me, and make me revenue. This goal was somehow lost among a world of hustlers who call themselves independent consultants.

There are many good things to be said about hustling independent consultants. They have the stills to pitch in any and all situations, they provide a lot of free value to gain revenue and traction, and since they are constantly looking out for projects they are in a good position to learn about new market flows and directions. At the same time however they spend a lot of time trying to win clients (often for small deals) and thus drop the ball on delivery and expectations. Their focus on the consulting engagement often forces them to work on a frantic pace that prevents focus on other startup projects that aren’t currently paying. Consulting is therefore not a sustainable way to create a revenue system outside of oneself, at least not if you don’t have a stable income stream already.

So from now on, I am focusing on developing my own brand. Be it with my blog and social media presence as well as talk of my startup life. I will also try and get set up in a full-time job for a few months to grow my skill sets in areas I deem important. These new goals will definitely give me more direction.

Wish me luck.