Meeting with the ex.

Today I met my ex-BF J. Our conversation was superficial. Perhaps it was the 4.5 months since our break-up. Perhaps it was the presence of my current (but soon to be ex-BF, a mutual decision I did not tell J about). Perhaps it was a joint desire to not get into detailed unresolved feelings from our relationship. Or perhaps it was us repeating interaction dynamics from our relationship. Once it was over I felt the pain. The pain of not sharing how I truly felt. And the pain of freshly feeling what it is like to let go of another and the dreams we have about them.

I wish him well. I also wish I could speak to him about our breakup openly. But perhaps the emotional release I expect from something like this is what I must provide myself. Life will tell…

Polygamy in Islam

My current boyfriend is passionately pro-polygamy and wants me to agree to him engaging in it post marriage. In recent months this topic has led to lots of emotional and mental salsa—one step forward, one step back. It goes like this: I share that monogamy is non-negotiable factor for me and that something otherwise take me away from the vision of life that I want to create for myself. At times when he sees my pain at the thought of having to leave him for his polygamous views, he says he has given the idea up. But at other times he returns to his original viewpoint and tries to convince me of the many ways in which polygamy will add to his life and mine.

Key to his viewpoint is the belief that polygamy is permitted in Islam. He says that as a progressive Muslim I must accept polygamy as valid. To him progressive Muslims should accept polygamy for we say we live by the following principal:

“We recognize the full diversity of Islamic traditions and the free participation therein as a sincere expression of faith.”

To me this argument is a gross misjudgment of what it means to be a progressive Muslim for another principle of progressive Islam is:

“We recognize critical reasoning and dynamic engagement with Islamic scripture and prevailing Islamic practices as an expression of devotion to, and esteem for, Islam and humanity.”

But even before we consider a cerebral argument regarding which values one adopts by affiliating with a religion or a progressive stream within a religion we should consider our inner emotional and mental clarity. We should ask ourselves: What values and decisions make me feel good? Make me feel empowered, loved, and justly dealt with? If values, words, thoughts, or behaviors feel oppressive or preventative of our free will we are keeping ourselves away from self-realization by giving them credence.

Use of silence and limited action in cocreation

For the past 3 or 4 of my asking my boyfriend to do the dishes and tidy his room. I didn’t like the feeling I got when trying to coerce him to do this. I tried doing the dishes myself for a few days hoping he will take over the next day but that never happened. I tried a calm discussion and how his not taking care of these things made me feel but this only led to him agreeing to take care of things but instead doing two other unasked for favors and later trying to renegotiate the room cleaning and dishwashing.

When I woke up this morning to a dirty room and a strong feeling of annoyance mixed with anger I started to analyze why his inaction was making me feel this way. I realized more than his inaction it was from feeling that his behavior called for angry rude behavior on my part. I also realized the nagging and the anger made me feel really sad and disconnected from source.

So I am trying an alternate course of action. I woke up this morning and wrote down the note below and made him sign it:

“I [my boyfriend’s name] promise to wash the dishes and tidy the bedroom before sunset. When I do so my girlfriend will begin speaking to me again. I understand that if I do not she will not do so.”

After signing I stopped speaking to him. Although he has still not completed both tasks in their entirety some changes have taken place, the negative reinforcement of no speaking has made him do a few dishes. But the most powerful thing is that I no longer feel cranky or disappointed. I feel hopeful. The decision to not talk as well as establish clear priorities by writing has taken action away from the equation of trying to create what I want--a tidy home. Not talking has made me realize the energy used in speaking and the energy used in expressing negative feelings makes the inner constriction of feeling grow. Letting that go has given me the space to vibrate in love and affection for my darling and recognizing the beautiful vibrance within him regardless of whether he follows through or not. It has also helped me realize that it is not the actions of others that makes us feel pain, it is our judging of them that gives us pain. This pain takes us away from our connectedness to source and all the beautiful things that lie within.

How we hold ourselves back

Yesterday while observing a period of anger in another I noticed a strong negative vortex within me. Later when I started to examine and release my negative emotion I realized that it fell in three categories: anger, annoyance, and fear.

Anger at the thought of unfairness. At strongly feeling that this person is yelling and showing himself to be a bigger animal in order to manipulate the object of anger to not acting out of his own understanding of his greater truth but instead to appease the aggressor by acting according to his will.

Annoyance at the aggressor’s choice to not learn from countless reminders he has received in life that manipulation is never the path to mutual happiness or the brighter free allowing world he says he wants to create.

And fear. The aggressor is choosing to show himself to be a bigger animal to get the object of anger to act out of fear. In line with this method the aggressor may intensify to higher and higher levels of maliciousness to reach his aims. Fear at the very real possibility of harm when dealing with such an individual.

As I finished thinking out loud about the basis of my negative reactions I realized that at their very core is the belief that all of us have the right to choose what we do and how we do it in our lives. My emotions are the result of feeling the contrast of people not allowing others to do so. But really by feeling these emotions and holding on to them I am being just as disallowing as the aggressor. Even if I am not responding with manipulation and anger by responding with negative emotion I am disallowing myself from the higher desire I launched due to my experience of this contrast i.e. creating a world in which we think, speak, and act out of our own highest self and allow and inspire another to do the same.

And like all thought this last thought is attractive. It has already given me ideas on how to deal with conflict at its seeds in a way that provides the space for each of us to voice and launch our own desires, without feeling the negative emotions of a disallower but instead the emotions of those who are source and are learning and reaching for a greater understanding towards the free world that I really want to create.

How does one express one's feelings?

What is a good way of expressing one's feelings? How does one say to another that something they said or did really bought out older pains or caused new one's? And if one doesn't do this how does one heal?