Today when I stopped by D’s desk for a random social visit she began conversing on a new methodology on strength finding that corporate has been advocating. I told her I that I don’t agree with the methodology since in essence it says that you should identify your inner talents and develop strengths in accordance with them for it is difficult and almost impossible to develop strengths in areas where you have no inner talents. It is best to use areas of inner talent to loop around one’s weaknesses. I instead belief I can develop skills in any area I desire and it is not limited to areas of inner talent.
She kept arguing that is not different from what the book is saying. When I said lets agree to disagree, she said one can’t disagree when one doesn’t see what one is disagreeing with to which I responded that having a argument/conversation on the strength finder is not important to me. She said it is to her and I am being dismissive of her which is disrespectful. I told by insisting I have a conversation on something with her when I don’t want to she is being disrespectful of me.
While, that allowed her to say okay and give me a cue to exit to my mind it seemed like a needless confrontation. As I have have recently learned to learn I wondered what about my response that led to this escalation. It made me realize that the philosophies, ideas, and values I hold from people and especially people in my day job is significantly different. Sometimes to allow smooth flowing it is best to not push against that which is different but allow a parallel path which gives us all a chance to be and believe what we desire; allowing an epiphany to the other to come if their mind state so wills it. In any case, doing so will let others not feel slighted which otherwise is rampant in the close quarters of cubicle life and perhaps even in relationship life. People being free to believe and do as they will.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Random beauty of the broken hearted
I had the randomest, most beautiful experience today. A conversation about green cards with Surinder, the owner of an Indian restaurant I frequent, turned towards his breakup and then mine. It is amazing how healing it is to see your pain reflected in someone else. The disbelief, the inner emptiness, the memories, the love, the pain… And despite all this a level of acceptance. The desire to share one’s story and one’s feelings with others. Many times this is not to get advice but simply to get sympathy for one’s feelings and sense someone’s desire to uplift you. I felt this was mutual for me and Surinder as we spoke about our heart breaks. It felt so good to be united in such a way with another human being.
It feels even better to see the commitment and tenderness some men have for the women in their lives. It reminds me of the reality I aspire to create in my life.
It feels even better to see the commitment and tenderness some men have for the women in their lives. It reminds me of the reality I aspire to create in my life.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Learning from the old romance
As the days go by after your ending our romance I keep getting more lessons about my creations in the relationship. Last night I realized my need to control due to fear. Today I realized that fear is the fear of a sweet little girl, who is so afraid of being judged and not loved. Two days ago I was regretting that I wasn't able to show you all my love. And now I realize most of our time together was love. Lots of love. Deep deep love. I miss you my jaan. I pray that someday we are both able to find even more beautiful love with each other or with someone else.
May be loving means accepting someone warts and all. May be moments with a lover are like a that warm honey mixture whose warmth and love you can feel many days after leaving also. I wasn't very kind to you about the parts of you I did not like. Neither was I allowing of these. I for my part plan to work on this in the future.
I must remember to love the humanness of someone just as much as I love the strength of their spirit. This is especially true in times when I bring intense needs to the relationship as only so much can be fulfilled by the other person.
May be loving means accepting someone warts and all. May be moments with a lover are like a that warm honey mixture whose warmth and love you can feel many days after leaving also. I wasn't very kind to you about the parts of you I did not like. Neither was I allowing of these. I for my part plan to work on this in the future.
I must remember to love the humanness of someone just as much as I love the strength of their spirit. This is especially true in times when I bring intense needs to the relationship as only so much can be fulfilled by the other person.
Great Love’s vulnerabilities
Weekend post breakup with J’ was actually quite beautiful. With cuddles, gentleness, and love…of a friend who loves me.
As I lie in bed and think back to moments I shared with J’. I remember them so clearly. There was a certain kind of spirituality to those moments. The fulfillment in his eyes, the confidence with which he knew he was loved, the love he felt and freely gave me even if I was unshowered and scruffy and otherwise unattractive to another’s eye. His adoration and love in the way he held me, kissed me, and looked at me. I clearly remember the inner sensations, the peace, the strength, and the light I felt from him.
All that love, gave me so much courage. It healed emotional wounds, allowing me to become a more open loving person. It helped me become more at ease with my skin and what I had to offer the world. Surprisingly to me, it also gave courage of parts of me I denied. The intense yearning for control of my space, of people’s actions, of my environment and the fear all of this was based on. It all came charging out. And the fact that I didn’t censor these parts of myself, well that also came from love. My love. It was that love that allowed me to be vulnerable enough to fully feel and show him my anger, my yearnings, my insecurities, but mostly my vulnerabilities. Perhaps that is what great love does, it shows you who you really are. And perhaps the reason we really want it is the magical healing it brings.
As I lie in bed and think back to moments I shared with J’. I remember them so clearly. There was a certain kind of spirituality to those moments. The fulfillment in his eyes, the confidence with which he knew he was loved, the love he felt and freely gave me even if I was unshowered and scruffy and otherwise unattractive to another’s eye. His adoration and love in the way he held me, kissed me, and looked at me. I clearly remember the inner sensations, the peace, the strength, and the light I felt from him.
All that love, gave me so much courage. It healed emotional wounds, allowing me to become a more open loving person. It helped me become more at ease with my skin and what I had to offer the world. Surprisingly to me, it also gave courage of parts of me I denied. The intense yearning for control of my space, of people’s actions, of my environment and the fear all of this was based on. It all came charging out. And the fact that I didn’t censor these parts of myself, well that also came from love. My love. It was that love that allowed me to be vulnerable enough to fully feel and show him my anger, my yearnings, my insecurities, but mostly my vulnerabilities. Perhaps that is what great love does, it shows you who you really are. And perhaps the reason we really want it is the magical healing it brings.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Emotional Self-Care
5/15/2008 5:22:29 PM
Today has been a beautiful day. Lots of loving wishes from people around the world, some of whom I haven’t met in years. Some jokes from the business partners, a phone call and a loving poem from Satwik in India, a true blessing. Random cake and other giveaways. A birthday lunch treat from Betty who works at my company a girl who I have met only a few times.
And then an hour ago J’ called to wish me a Happy Birthday. And I was surprised, amazed!? Whatever that emotion was it certainly wasn’t light hearted happiness. As I told Betty at lunch today and wrote last night more than what J’ should have done, I thought about how I didn’t love him as I knew how. When she asked if I will get back together with him, I told her there was a lot of stuff that my relationship with him bought out. And as much as I wanted to tell him about my regrets, right now I am just tired. I need to understand all that has come out before I can really be as loving as I want with him or with anyone else. Attached to J’ were some feelings of suffering, regret, exhaustion, and relief that I just wanted time and spirituality to deal with.
When J’ called those feelings returned very strongly. I was wondering if he was calling to connect as I had asked him to. I was amused that he didn’t realize I’d be in the office. But mostly, I just didn’t want to deal with all these feelings.
When I started my relationship with J’, I felt that I had finally found a man amazing and sensitive enough whom I can partner with to understand and heal these extreme tiring emotions. His decision to end our romance, regardless of my own behavior that may have influenced it, is indicative of the fact that he either didn’t have the resources to deal with them or that he chose not to. After all the tears and pain at separation, I’ved realized that in some way right now I can’t assume responsibility to provide him with a consistent demeanor if my needs aren’t met and to do so is exhausting. I believe right now I will be doing him, myself, and my future partner if it is not him a favor if I focus on taking care of myself, understanding myself, and loving myself.
Last night when my business partner asked me what present I would like—I responded saying peace. I now realize this is a gift I can give myself. Peace, rest, and all the rejuvenating things in between. Oh dear God, help me create a time and place of respite in my life.
Today has been a beautiful day. Lots of loving wishes from people around the world, some of whom I haven’t met in years. Some jokes from the business partners, a phone call and a loving poem from Satwik in India, a true blessing. Random cake and other giveaways. A birthday lunch treat from Betty who works at my company a girl who I have met only a few times.
And then an hour ago J’ called to wish me a Happy Birthday. And I was surprised, amazed!? Whatever that emotion was it certainly wasn’t light hearted happiness. As I told Betty at lunch today and wrote last night more than what J’ should have done, I thought about how I didn’t love him as I knew how. When she asked if I will get back together with him, I told her there was a lot of stuff that my relationship with him bought out. And as much as I wanted to tell him about my regrets, right now I am just tired. I need to understand all that has come out before I can really be as loving as I want with him or with anyone else. Attached to J’ were some feelings of suffering, regret, exhaustion, and relief that I just wanted time and spirituality to deal with.
When J’ called those feelings returned very strongly. I was wondering if he was calling to connect as I had asked him to. I was amused that he didn’t realize I’d be in the office. But mostly, I just didn’t want to deal with all these feelings.
When I started my relationship with J’, I felt that I had finally found a man amazing and sensitive enough whom I can partner with to understand and heal these extreme tiring emotions. His decision to end our romance, regardless of my own behavior that may have influenced it, is indicative of the fact that he either didn’t have the resources to deal with them or that he chose not to. After all the tears and pain at separation, I’ved realized that in some way right now I can’t assume responsibility to provide him with a consistent demeanor if my needs aren’t met and to do so is exhausting. I believe right now I will be doing him, myself, and my future partner if it is not him a favor if I focus on taking care of myself, understanding myself, and loving myself.
Last night when my business partner asked me what present I would like—I responded saying peace. I now realize this is a gift I can give myself. Peace, rest, and all the rejuvenating things in between. Oh dear God, help me create a time and place of respite in my life.
Prayer for the 25th year of my live
May 15, 2008
10 mins past birth date.
Prayer for the 25th year of my life—I am enjoying my fabulous connected life with abundance of love, joy, money, intelligence and purpose. I am conscious of what I do and how I do it, creating a legacy and a world that is heaven on earth! God grants me the strength and love to do my holy work.
10 mins past birth date.
Prayer for the 25th year of my life—I am enjoying my fabulous connected life with abundance of love, joy, money, intelligence and purpose. I am conscious of what I do and how I do it, creating a legacy and a world that is heaven on earth! God grants me the strength and love to do my holy work.
de end of a romance
May 14, 2008
Two hours to my birthday. And also the moment that it will be three days from the ending romance with J’.
Physically the pain with this breakup was less severe than in the past, but still stronger than any other pain I have known. I slept and exhausted peaceful sleep mixed with some sense of relief and freedom and some sense of loss. All that was still better than the piercing incredulousness and disbelief I had felt just moments earlier.
When I awoke the thought of the loss pierced through my system. At the office as I sat through a meeting J’’s words rang threw my head—“I don’t love you like a lover anymore. But more like a friend.” The love that gave me strength, wholeness, and hope was suddenly not mine anymore. The same person who I couldn’t bring myself to breakup with 2 weeks earlier due to the severe pain I felt at that thought, told me that while he “loves, respects, and adores me” the current situation no longer worked for him.
As I sat and thought about my overwhelming sense of pain, I wondered why I was hurting so much. We don’t hurt when things simply happen, we only feel hurt when we feel something else was possible and under our control. Why am I feeling this hurt if it is simply because of J’, who he is, and where he is in this time of his life. After all I had fallen in love with the whole person, to change him would be to disrespect that which I loved. That’s when my coach’s words about “accepting and not expecting” came to mind. That’s when I remembered J’’s sense of pain at how I expressed my unhappiness at his phone call behavior came to mind.
Pain, drama, numbness…hitting my head against a thick glass wall of my own suffering. All the while forcefully asking J’ to bring my suffering to an end. Showing him, telling him, threatening him with my experience of pain.
And J’, poor J’, the man I love so intensely felt that he was responsible for my pain and annoyance. Overtime joy, bliss, and love deteriorated from our relationship. I kept practicing the law of attraction but forgot the other two laws, those of intending and allowing. I tried to attract beauty in my life, without intending clearly the how. The only how I intended was what J’ had to do to allow me to be happy, not intending what I had to do to. When I did intend my own actions—they usually revolved around expressing my needs. I didn’t allow him to be the magnificent lover he was capable of being. I kept focusing on what he was not providing, rather than letting him decide how he wanted to love me.
A few days ago I was thinking about what I had learned most for my past relationships. There was learning about what the other could not provide and learning what was important to me; leading me to subsequently seek and find better partners. But as sat back and thought of each partner and what I learned from him I realized what I wished for most when looking back was not how they loved me. Instead, it was how I loved them. I did a small prayer of thanks for that realization resolving to share my love with J’ more.
That realization didn’t help me in letting go of my sense of need and suffering. A few days later J’ breaks up with me.
I don’t want to create this pain of regret anymore. I want to create shared joy and bliss and deep love. Deep love doesn’t mean that I can depend on another to create what I want them to create. I am first an individual creator, and then sometimes on some topics a joint-creator. I must first educate myself on how to lift myself to be closer to my own spirit and things that are good. And on being that to others that I would like them to be for me.
I told J’ when we first started getting involved—that I don’t know what will happen in the future. But that I love him and that I will be forever thankful to him and to God for all I learn from this experience with him.
Allah, I have learned so much in this year. Lessons I wanted and also lessons I didn’t. Thank you for giving me the courage to explore them. Thank you also for sending people in my life who have allowed me to bring forth so many colors of emotions from my heart. And most importantly for sending me people and lessons that have allowed me to bring out and see what is in my heart, so that I may purge that which is not good for me and allow that which is best for me to come in.
Thank you for your love, guidance, and support. Thank you also for always being with me every step of the way. For that I am forever grateful.
Yours always,
Stir Fried Saali
Two hours to my birthday. And also the moment that it will be three days from the ending romance with J’.
Physically the pain with this breakup was less severe than in the past, but still stronger than any other pain I have known. I slept and exhausted peaceful sleep mixed with some sense of relief and freedom and some sense of loss. All that was still better than the piercing incredulousness and disbelief I had felt just moments earlier.
When I awoke the thought of the loss pierced through my system. At the office as I sat through a meeting J’’s words rang threw my head—“I don’t love you like a lover anymore. But more like a friend.” The love that gave me strength, wholeness, and hope was suddenly not mine anymore. The same person who I couldn’t bring myself to breakup with 2 weeks earlier due to the severe pain I felt at that thought, told me that while he “loves, respects, and adores me” the current situation no longer worked for him.
As I sat and thought about my overwhelming sense of pain, I wondered why I was hurting so much. We don’t hurt when things simply happen, we only feel hurt when we feel something else was possible and under our control. Why am I feeling this hurt if it is simply because of J’, who he is, and where he is in this time of his life. After all I had fallen in love with the whole person, to change him would be to disrespect that which I loved. That’s when my coach’s words about “accepting and not expecting” came to mind. That’s when I remembered J’’s sense of pain at how I expressed my unhappiness at his phone call behavior came to mind.
Pain, drama, numbness…hitting my head against a thick glass wall of my own suffering. All the while forcefully asking J’ to bring my suffering to an end. Showing him, telling him, threatening him with my experience of pain.
And J’, poor J’, the man I love so intensely felt that he was responsible for my pain and annoyance. Overtime joy, bliss, and love deteriorated from our relationship. I kept practicing the law of attraction but forgot the other two laws, those of intending and allowing. I tried to attract beauty in my life, without intending clearly the how. The only how I intended was what J’ had to do to allow me to be happy, not intending what I had to do to. When I did intend my own actions—they usually revolved around expressing my needs. I didn’t allow him to be the magnificent lover he was capable of being. I kept focusing on what he was not providing, rather than letting him decide how he wanted to love me.
A few days ago I was thinking about what I had learned most for my past relationships. There was learning about what the other could not provide and learning what was important to me; leading me to subsequently seek and find better partners. But as sat back and thought of each partner and what I learned from him I realized what I wished for most when looking back was not how they loved me. Instead, it was how I loved them. I did a small prayer of thanks for that realization resolving to share my love with J’ more.
That realization didn’t help me in letting go of my sense of need and suffering. A few days later J’ breaks up with me.
I don’t want to create this pain of regret anymore. I want to create shared joy and bliss and deep love. Deep love doesn’t mean that I can depend on another to create what I want them to create. I am first an individual creator, and then sometimes on some topics a joint-creator. I must first educate myself on how to lift myself to be closer to my own spirit and things that are good. And on being that to others that I would like them to be for me.
I told J’ when we first started getting involved—that I don’t know what will happen in the future. But that I love him and that I will be forever thankful to him and to God for all I learn from this experience with him.
Allah, I have learned so much in this year. Lessons I wanted and also lessons I didn’t. Thank you for giving me the courage to explore them. Thank you also for sending people in my life who have allowed me to bring forth so many colors of emotions from my heart. And most importantly for sending me people and lessons that have allowed me to bring out and see what is in my heart, so that I may purge that which is not good for me and allow that which is best for me to come in.
Thank you for your love, guidance, and support. Thank you also for always being with me every step of the way. For that I am forever grateful.
Yours always,
Stir Fried Saali
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Giving and receiving spiritual love
I realized recently that I am not liking what I am co-creating in my current relationship. When I told my coach this he responded by saying perhaps your partner simply does not know what you need. He asked me how many people in my life I have actually felt really get me to which I responded maybe three or four in different phases in my life. He said he doesn’t ask many people this but he is asking me because I’m high nurturance and trust that I should accept my partner, that I should love him through all that he does which I do not like and I should model that which I want from him. I replied by saying: “but that is so exhausting, to provide all that to others without getting it from them.” Soon after I said this he made me realize that is the only option. For the alternative of insisting on needing something does not work in relationships because it simply makes the other feel like they are not good enough.
Last night before going to bed I was thinking about which of my needs is not being met by my current relationship when I remembered my coach’s words. It made me wonder--aside from anything my previous partners could have done which they didn't do what is it that I regret from my past relationships?
Surprisingly the answer was how I behaved in each relationship. In each relationship I knew subconsciously how the other wanted to be loved, but I didn’t fully love in the way they needed. But I held back. The reason could have been feeling that what I wanted was not being met or simply not being conscious of what the other's needs were. I am now making a conscious choice to not have that regret in the future. From now on I will work on clarifying and providing what the other needs.
I also remembered that in each relationship I learned something crucial about relationships and connecting. In my first relationship post college I learned that intellectual connection alone was not sufficient to life partnership. I knew what was needed was something less cerebral, but I didn’t know what exactly it was. In my second relationship I learned that a sexual connection was important. In my third I learned that emotional connection was important. And in the current one I am learning that having a spiritual orientation toward love is important. Now whether I need a fifth relationship to provide me the spiritual connection is an open question. Perhaps the spiritual connection will be manifested within the current relationship, perhaps not. But looking back I am excited that I have learned so much about relationships, both what I must give and what I must provide. These lessons will be valuable in helping me work towards ultimately creating my heaven on earth.
That prospect makes me very excited about my life? Are you excited about your relationships?
Last night before going to bed I was thinking about which of my needs is not being met by my current relationship when I remembered my coach’s words. It made me wonder--aside from anything my previous partners could have done which they didn't do what is it that I regret from my past relationships?
Surprisingly the answer was how I behaved in each relationship. In each relationship I knew subconsciously how the other wanted to be loved, but I didn’t fully love in the way they needed. But I held back. The reason could have been feeling that what I wanted was not being met or simply not being conscious of what the other's needs were. I am now making a conscious choice to not have that regret in the future. From now on I will work on clarifying and providing what the other needs.
I also remembered that in each relationship I learned something crucial about relationships and connecting. In my first relationship post college I learned that intellectual connection alone was not sufficient to life partnership. I knew what was needed was something less cerebral, but I didn’t know what exactly it was. In my second relationship I learned that a sexual connection was important. In my third I learned that emotional connection was important. And in the current one I am learning that having a spiritual orientation toward love is important. Now whether I need a fifth relationship to provide me the spiritual connection is an open question. Perhaps the spiritual connection will be manifested within the current relationship, perhaps not. But looking back I am excited that I have learned so much about relationships, both what I must give and what I must provide. These lessons will be valuable in helping me work towards ultimately creating my heaven on earth.
That prospect makes me very excited about my life? Are you excited about your relationships?
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