Rant about a team

How a'holian. Geeze, wht is your management style bread, water, and reserve!

F'ing A if you really want to change the world try being a bit more open with it. Freeze torture isn't really an appropriate way to get impact. Loser.

Learnings of what I can improve next time

-value elicitation--what are your goals from the role. What do you hope this will do for you

-stories--show casing my abilities. Prepare impactful stories for earlier work at

-forgot planned techniques and needs

Really poor on comfort and human side of business. Gotta put feelers out there to increase options for self so that I come from a place of abundance, power, and choice.

I will succeed!

WTF WTF WTF.

U damn, no good piece of shit had the audacity to doubt my ability to deliver on big projects! Do you know how clueless all of you are. The crap someone is able to sell u because u just didn't bother to do your research.

Listen up to me u a'hole. I will succeed. I will do well. And you know what your work helped, but ultimately I will succeed because I rock. GOT THAT! Cause I rock!

Reflections on papa, and work

Today A sent me a note about a job opening. I like the company he mentioned. But despite this I wished he had added a note in there saying something that touched me emotionally. P says its too early for that.

Later I realized I was loading up the experience of repeated brainwashing from my dad, something he still does to this day. I got a reminder of this when I called him today. Hints rather than clear communication is something he relies on heavily. When I clearly call his hints out and state what I do and do not want he gets pissed and either starts guilting me or degrade this cultural context.

I feel frustrated that my experience of him invading my space has still not changed. And that pain is still so fresh. I guess it will keep coming into my experience if I keep focusing on it. Let me then focus on understanding and clear communication as something I expect and receive from all my relationships.

But back to the job. If that isn't fully the experience I want then what do I really want. The answer is probably the ability to play a bigger game. The network, social skills, and personal story telling that will allow me to get to that level. That's what I will get J to coach me on tomorrow.

The man I want--reflections on my emotions and men after a recent night out

Last night I went our with A, bro and GF, and another paki guy.

I am amazed at the number of conflicting emotions that have been coming up about this experience. Even now I don't know how to write a few lines of pure consistent prose about the experience. Let's try freehand. Hmm getting an emotional response that it will be a struggle. Lets do this bulleted list thing and see if this works:

• I love A's ferocious masculine energy. I can tell that when he has sex he consumes the other person completely. Like literally swallowing them with everything he has. Its like my wildest masturbation fantasies coming true!
• Playing with him while dancing gives me a glimpse of the above along with the feeling of rapt attention, wanting, and desire.
• Flowing with these feelings is difficult because other parts of me come in with emotions and thoughts that are the opposite of this pleasure, being, and wanting. Those other parts are constantly judging people or me, making me feel unworthy or less worthy than others, and making me feel that I have to fight, flee, or close myself down. The closing of self is particularly painful.
• Even more painful is the feeling of having to constantly be aware of how much I can trust, love, and accept people without being hurt.
• He smelt and felt so good. My heart wants to know if he cares. Does he care enough to accept my heart? If he does then I'd like to give myself the permission to let out all the love that I feel.
• Does he want the love that is bubbling inside me, the way it is? Too often have people I've loved not wanted the best kind of love I could provide. With M I felt that he wanted the fun, joy, and sexualness of being more so than what I gave him because my mental and spiritual focus quickly took the energy of our interactions to a different place then he wanted to be.
• I wish M had told me. And I wish guys would just tell me this. But they don't. Apparently some part inside of me says they do communicate this, but in ways I don't understand. They really are from Mars and perhaps I really am from Venus.
• Oh but he feels soooo good.
• Funny to be letting out all these emotions without judging them. I sound like a teenager. May be this is the part of me that I never allowed to grow up
• I wonder if a part of my upbringing makes me reduce connection levels with other guys when with one to prevent temptation. That's closing off the openness of the heart. But then again, in this case it seems to be a real concern of some of these guys.
• pain, pain of lack of a heart connection. Why am I struggling with getting the heart to meet with more folks. May be it is like opening. A game. Do it with enough people so that when the right person comes along I will be able to engage and form a trusting relationship with him
• I seem to be imbibing the emotions and energies of all these people who are connecting without the desire for a more connected interaction. I need to find ways of letting some of this out of my system--my internal center must be a stronger muscle than it is and my techniques for getting back into it need to be honed more also
• unrequited love--emotional and sexual memories are being loaded up again. Breathe. Accept and understand my relationship to that.
• hurt that he may not engage in a deeper connection due to his desire to focus on his startup rather than another person

Conclusion--like all amazing learning experiences in my life when with rich, fast moving, action oriented, yet scared of connection/love (and its loss) people like A and trio my life stream moves very fast. I see so much I want and I see so much I don't want. The wanting and unwanting is also part of the learning my soul is getting from them. And for all of that, it is worth it. The emotional ups, down, and cringes are part of the process. Of getting clearer about what it is that I do want.

I do want:

• a man who eats me up with gusto, passionate, and raw desire
• a man who cares about my emotional and physical well being
• a man whom I can easily communicate with about my emotions
• a man who is willing to learn with me on how we can both do this better
• a man who is willing to try with me different ways to deepen our emotional connection
• a man who when he puts his arm around me my body and heart opens to him in a loving, accepting embrace wherein I can surrender some control but feel the freedom to be and do and flow with my own energy and freedom
• a man who is ambitious, clear, achievement oriented. Makes hard calls about business and people when he has to. But knowing that inside is a very loving and caring person who is watching out for others as well as himself.
• a man who despite his other goals knows and wants to expand his connection with me. One who treats this also as a prime goal in his life.

I appreciate and enjoy this time with A. I am loving how he is showing up now. Yet I continue to dream with strong passion and deep love for the man I've described above. He may show these sides of himself in these or other folks I know or as someone completely new. My faith in his coming is so real that I can feel his lips on mine, his heart beat close to mine, and his passionate hardness pressing on me. I love you my love. And you are here with me, as I wait for you. :)