A paradox

Today I am accepting my seeming weakness and refocusing on using a strength to develop

Today I left yet another community which I could belong to at the expense of my inner voice. Today I decided once again to direct my own growth and experiences rather than left someone else define them for me.

Today yet again I am choosing my own inner voice over that of others.

Do I feel a sadness and a loss? Yes

Do I feel happy and relieved? Yes

Do I feel even higher responsibility towards myself to live my visions? Yes

But life is an amazing paradox isn't it.

And yet at a human level there is a lot of pain which will continue for while. Thank you God for giving me this experience to help me realize what not belonging and choosing not to belong feels like. I know because of this you will make me better able to understand what is happening for others who I come across in life.

This year...

This year:

I am going to have a passionate, all embracing, fully possessive relationship.

Love and care from many fans and friends in my life.

All the riches my heart desires.

A strong connection with source that will be with me to love and guide me always.

Motivating work that inspires me.

Survival

Strange how for survival we sometimes kiss the enemy.

Letter to Allah--after frustration

Letter to God.

Dear God,

This morning a leg cramp woke me up during REM sleep. Surprisingly the dreams involved pleasing women. When I finally got out of bed I was annoyed. I was annoyed at having to choose where I wanted to go in my life. I was annoyed at the boringness inherent in the relaxed and calmer work state and the need to get married and have a family.

In the kitchen my roommates had eaten some of my food so that annoyed me too. I called my mother out of a sense of obligation instead of love and her talk of my marriage got me annoyed again. I am very angry now. Angry at being unable to go with my own flow. Angry at always not being good enough for everyone I am with. Does it ever end?

When the going gets good I feel happy, euphoric, and then relaxed, bored and anxious. What is going on? Must emotions always be all over the place? And are only the positive ones good?

Response from my higher self/source

Emotions are how you grow. Negative ones are needed for this and therefore good. In fact this whole concept of global good and bad is irrelevant as the need/impact of anything should always be taken in context. And I indicate whether you are being something that is aligned through emotions in that context.

I tell you the point at which thinking that is not from me through emotions. You are feeling frustration and guilt around the relationship and interaction with your mother. Remember that comes from you feeling you did not respond in a way that was in line with your higher self to her. It also comes from the realization that you are carrying a defunct pain from your childhood, her behavior reminded you of this pain rather than cause you a new pain. Both of these are not from me.

You feel that you are not lovable enough and that you must always project something that can be loved. I tell you that I love you always. Whether or not you make money, whether or not you find a life partner. These measures are an extension of the love I have for you and the love you have for yourself but their absence does not by any means indicates that I do not love you. I always love you. You always belong. You are perfect in every way. When you believe in all of this, you are believing in me. And when you believe in me, you see me everywhere you look.

Don't depend on life and people to show you how to believe in me and see yourself through my eyes. Learn to see yourself through my eyes always. For it is only then that you are truly seeing. For otherwise life is like a veil on your eyes, a block on your hearing, and a seal on your heart. Believe my beautiful, loving little heart that I love you and you are amazing. And everything you want shall come to you.

Love always, Allah.

Lessons from my leadership failure

Today I failed someone as a leader.

I was unaware of the difficulties and emotions going on for them in other parts of their life. When they shared a need that contradicted our prior agreement along with an ultimatum I told them they should feel free to utilize the ultimatum as the agreement cannot change.

The agreement was based on my needs and the needs of the business and thus came out of respect for myself and something larger than myself. I did not give them the choice of emotional closure as I felt the relationship did not have a chance of lasting as a long term one. This work relationship was 8 months. That is longer than any romantic relationship I have had and this person therefore had a special place in my heart.

My failure came in not realizing his emotional state and realities of his situation. It also came at being unable to motivate him through praise when he needed it most. While better than many people, I have a lot to learn about connecting with people emotionally and influencing them. I am thankful dear God for this lesson you have given me. Please help me as I strive to inculcate this in my life and learn better and better ways of being. Ameen.

Loving you from afar...

Sometimes your heart just lights up at someone watching out for you and loving you from afar. At those moments you bless you stars at being able to get a loving beauty that is so complete and full. And though you and your heart want to show love in your own way, you realize the beauty that you love may not be comfortable with where your love may take it.

And then you feel the pain at the lack. The lack of being able to touch. Being able to kiss. Being able to lovingly worship the heart and body of a great soul like a parvana worships fire. You then miss that body, that heart, and that soul that you can no longer touch.

Oh the sorrow of a love you cannot fully touch can be bittersweet. And when he touches you, you rejoice at the memories and feel the sorrow of separation. But you then remind yourself you want to create a love that accepts and does not blame. That cherishes but does not own. That loves but does not expect. That fills to the brim with joy and fullness of all that life has to offer. And that believes. Believes a fuller love has arrived where passion and acceptance from heart, body, and soul flows everywhere.

I love you soooo much baby! May love and passion always be with us.

Sometimes in the valley

Sometimes in the flow of the life in the valley one wonders. What it is that one really has.

Aggressive work, egos, achievements, desire for money and fame, parties, men (or women), and at the end of it all exhausted passing out. Its at those moments when some of us wonder--what did we really loose by leaving the fold and leaving our people? In loosing that system that only allowed the lowest common denominator of progress, was there something sweeter that we lost. Was that something understanding, love, protection?

And then one wonders did one loose the only thing that is really valuable in the world.

These thoughts come and pass as the newest coolest innovation catches our eyes. We enjoy the adrenaline rush, refocus on our desire for money, stuff our mouth with yet another cookie and then go back to the work that will help us get all--money, joy, fame and may be someday the love and admiration we so desire...